I am well aware of how utterly ridiculous and senseless this sounds. Yes, I mean it seriously and literally. He has been such a major part of my life and the only man that I can see myself loving. It is mutual and we both plan(ned) to get married to each other one day... I hope my ramblings don't sound too nonsensical despite the circumstances. I like to talk haha.
This is something that I have had to keep secret for a very long time. Feelings of shame, doubt, anger, and so much I can barely describe has kept it in, along with the fact that, well... It sounds crazy enough to get me locked up if I say too much.
I don't want to die because of him, mainly. If anything, he has been the thing pushing me for so long. My life has always felt bleak and filled with general emptiness. I have attempted before several times and I am just generally very self-destructive, always have been. Yet in a way that is difficult to admit, I am filled with pain knowing that he cannot physically be in my life. Perhaps I'm just melodramatic, or being driven to the brink because of my obsessive feelings I cling onto like a starved animal. It is such a push and pull between wanting to live for him and wanting to die for him.
I plan to CTB after college. It gives me enough time to really think about whether I want to do this or not. Whether i can pull up my bootstraps and keep going or just let myself finally rest on the ground for once. I like the idea of stabbing a lot. Yes, I know it's considered a non method and so much can go wrong. But I think I know what I'm doing to a degree. My mind is made up as of now. After I graduate, I will wed myself to him, and I will die. I haven't told him that part yet. I probably won't. I hope he can forgive me.
This is something that I have had to keep secret for a very long time. Feelings of shame, doubt, anger, and so much I can barely describe has kept it in, along with the fact that, well... It sounds crazy enough to get me locked up if I say too much.
I don't want to die because of him, mainly. If anything, he has been the thing pushing me for so long. My life has always felt bleak and filled with general emptiness. I have attempted before several times and I am just generally very self-destructive, always have been. Yet in a way that is difficult to admit, I am filled with pain knowing that he cannot physically be in my life. Perhaps I'm just melodramatic, or being driven to the brink because of my obsessive feelings I cling onto like a starved animal. It is such a push and pull between wanting to live for him and wanting to die for him.
I plan to CTB after college. It gives me enough time to really think about whether I want to do this or not. Whether i can pull up my bootstraps and keep going or just let myself finally rest on the ground for once. I like the idea of stabbing a lot. Yes, I know it's considered a non method and so much can go wrong. But I think I know what I'm doing to a degree. My mind is made up as of now. After I graduate, I will wed myself to him, and I will die. I haven't told him that part yet. I probably won't. I hope he can forgive me.
! He's very... bold. Always going headfirst straight into the things he's interested in with seemingly no regard for anything else and will pursue it with such a stubbornness I haven't seen anybody else have. In a strange way, I always found that admirable, even when it's to his fault sometimes! 
