Venting I'm in an abusive relationship with myself and I'm not coping well

[RiT]

I'm constantly exhausted with fighting my own thoughts. On one hand I should feel lucky, I only dream of self deletion once a month because, from what I've gathered, is a messed up hormonal cycle. But on the other hand my own mind is trying to convince itself that living is hell and I need to run away and give up if ever I want to feel peace. Every month I'm inching closer and closer to the edge, it started when I was a kid and hasn't had too much momentum, but after about 20 years of fighting it I feel its made a lot of progress.

A lot has been happening in recent years and I feel too privileged to ever complain about things going wrong in my life, but I'm also not privileged enough to have any control over it. I'm constantly giving into what others want because its easy and I'm too tired to take the hard route. I'm ashamed of how I'm too weak to stand on my own two feet while putting on a face of strength and "independence".

All I want in life is to clean when I'm stressed, cook when I'm feeling inspired, dress up nice to feel desired by myself, give myself spa days and sit by the fire at night to watch the stars. Make myself feel worthy of an easy life. But yet here I am, working a job I use to love that I now despise. I tell myself I'm worthless and ugly, I clean for a house I never get to enjoy being cleaned. I cook when I have to and not cause I love it. I treat myself worst than anybody ever has because I can't treat myself to the life I want.

I'm so tired, I want peace

 

[Jadeith]

From what You described, you kinda look like my psychological mirror. Life to please and serve others, never yourself as you don't find yourself worthy. Things that used to bring joy, hobbies and such became burdens and offer nothing but frustration and no new "joy bringers" in sight. Duties and chores being only reason i allow myself to waste oxygen.
Some creature of light i got in my circles suggested that these are typical signs of depression. But then again, even if they are right, i won't find myself worthy of treatment , also with 0 faith in any chance of success of such treatment,

I'm so tired, I want peace

And i heartedly wish you one. But, given that you are like me or similar, i have 0 idea how to achieve it outside of sweet embrace of death.