Help I'm having doubts. I don't know what to do.

[akira.kewl]

I've been wanting to CTB for so, so long. I was fed up with how often I've felt this way and decided to set the date 45-46 days in advance: January 1st. I've been logging daily how I feel about it so I can make sure it won't be something I'll regret, and it's actually my final option. At first, things went as expected: every day I logged "yes" or "mixed". I was struggling to wait until then, because I wanted to do it immediately. But now that the date is creeping closer, something unexpected is happening: I'm having doubts.

I'm imagining my future and being okay with it, I'm scared of attempting. Even when in favor of it and imagining it, I tend to imagine the results of failure, not if I actually succeeded in dying. I kind of have to convince myself to be okay with the idea of eternal nothingness. And most of the day, although I feel depressed and unsatisfied, my mind isn't constantly thinking about death unless something happens or I remind myself. As much as I hate my life, I don't really know where it's gonna go, and there's no harm in seeing, no? If things go bad, I can always CTB then. For some reason, out of nowhere, pushing forward doesn't seem so bad. I've felt the opposite of this for the rest of the year so I don't know where it's coming from.

But it's really getting in my way because I made all these plans, I posted the date, I wrote the note... I was so ready. Now, if I back out, I'll look like I was just baiting people for attention even though I was genuinely planning on it. But then again, isn't it silly to take your life out of embarrassment? I guess I just don't know what I want anymore, and it's frustrating. I was so dead set on this, but now I'm scared. I don't know if I really want to die or not. I don't know if I was just in crisis and wasn't being reasonable. I don't know what's good for me anymore. I set precautions like the log to help with this, but the results were inconclusive, and now I'm lost.

What do I do? Should I back out like a pussy and sure, maybe save myself from doing something I'd regret, but maybe regret not acting on it later and wishing I had, and humiliating myself by saying "false alarm everybody"? Should I do it anyway like an attention whore and sure, save myself from the untreatable pain that is every day of my life, but rid myself of the things I enjoy, and risk bringing myself into a psych ward at best and vegetative state at worst? I don't know what to do. I still can't take it anymore, and I still can't get the help I need, but I still don't know if this is the right course of action. Has anyone else had this issue? Am I just nervous because the date is soon, or is there a part of me that doesn't really want to die?

 

[loveme]

im really sorry you're feeling this way. if you don't want to die, don't. if there's something you're excited about, things you enjoy and look forward to, like you said, "there's no harm in seeing, no?" there's nothing embarrassing about it, you're not being a "pussy" or "baiting" people. continuing to live is a brave act, in my opinion, not the opposite at all. hope you're okay, OP

 

[U. A.]

All the apprehensions around failure are more than justified and people follow this trajectory all the time.
It's a bit overly verbose but I've written some about this phenomenon.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

If you have doubts then it's not your time to go.

 

[OliverGarden]

Holy shit, this was basically an exact reading of my brain. Wow. For me, it's always been a lingering thought since childhood (passively suicidal) but during moments of duress it always amped up. I made an irreversible mistake in a dear relationship of mine and now I've started to once again seriously consider things, and that doubt always hits. What if it's silly to die for a relationship? What if I someday find someone like him? But... he was all I looked forward to. And I know there's nobody else like him in the world. There can't be...