I really wanted an easier way out, but after spending actual years of my life researching and contemplating suicide, my plan is to jump from an abandoned building that I discovered around two years ago. I've known I've wanted to die for a long time but I needed to be sure. I kept the place in my thoughts just incase. Last week I went in again with some friends but I really wanted to see how high the building actually went. They didn't want to go because one of them joked 'they would jump'. Which I find ironic. I got to the top and I don't know why I didn't. It sure was high enough and the chance was right in front of me. It looked like a messy fall; i'd definitely die, but I wouldn't be able to be put in a casket afterwards. I don't think I had been so close to death like that, although i have had overdoses in the past, it was different and it felt so real and exciting in a way, I almost felt like I couldn't breathe. I knew that's what I wanted. I debated jumping for a long time because of how many seconds i'd have left to regret my decision in the fall. But I don't think I will. If anything being right there next to death was so peaceful and I honestly can't wait to leave this horrible place. I wish I could have been happy.
