I'm going to ctb on my father's birthday

[Foresight]

I want everyone to know he was on my mind. He ruined me. He tortured me as little girl, neglected me, abused me day in and day out. All of that led to a disfigurement (I dont want to go into details, it's too much). The disfigurement led to the isolation and a horrific life, which led to ptsd and now symptoms of psychosis I can't control. Every fucking day of my life has been a dark, disturbing fight and I can't fight anymore. He ruined me. I never had a chance. I was never going to make it.

I tried from the time I was a little girl to believe in myself and believe in what's good but this world is dark and cold. There's a reason people like him even exist. It's harsh in this world.

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people really are so cruel. It is such an awful, unfair world that we live in, and I'm sorry that you have suffered so much. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[existcrisisactor]

im so sorry fren i hope your suffering ends

 

[Ligottian]

At my former place of employment, I was told about a deceased worker, a young man, who hung himself on Fathers Day.

 

[ShatteredSoul]

I'm so sorry. I wish you nothing but peace for eternity. ❤

 

[Foresight]

I finally bought my SN. Just ordering it was an incredibly overwhelming experience so I need to restart a detachment period to prepare for the date. But my racing thoughts ceased. I felt deep stillness inside. No more struggle, the battle is over.

I want to see if N comes back this summer. I needed backup in case. I have other things I need.
1. The rest of the necessary drugs
2. to read Stan's guide
3. notes???
4. toss away my belongings bit by bit
5. figure out the situation with my dogs
6. deal with softening the blow of this for the people who unfortunately knew me
It's okay to die. We're made to die eventually.

We're not made to suffer endlessly. We aren't built for that. There's dignity in realizing when it's time to let go. I need to find myself some self respect in this choice.

 

[Foresight]

Chris Cornell died on my father's birthday.

Maybe I'll listen to one of his songs on the way out.