I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do. Please help me!

[sadjenny]

Edit: Feeling better emotionally. Still a crisis situation (see below), but I'm calmer! Thank you for reaching out.

I made a mistake and it's cost me deadly and I'm SO SCARED now. I only have one person in my life, and it's my sister. I thought she was safe to seek emotional support from. This morning, I confided in her that I was feeling suicidal and unbeknownst to me she had already been hacking my email and knew about my SN order!

She has been yelling and screaming at me all day. I feel so small and ashamed and terrified. She made me take medication I don't want (literally watched me and threatened ambulance if I didn't comply), and installed a camera baby monitor in my bedroom to watch me 24/7. She has altered her work schedule to work nights instead of days and is tracking my MAIL to intercept my ORDER OF SN.

Please please help me! I am so scared and scared. I made a horrible mistake confiding in her and I am afraid. I feel like a prisoner. I don't know what to do!

She took my car keys and debit card and now I can't make another order. And even if I could, I have zero money. That 25$ was the LAST money I had in the WORLD. I can't stop crying. I can't live like this. I don't understand!

She doesn't understand that these actions are driving me to suicide QUICKER and more dangerously. I was so happy and calm yesterday. Now I'm frantically looking around my room for ways to end myself and I can't cope. Please, someone, anyone talk to me. I need you

To anyone reading, I made my SS account on an alternate email so at least she doesn't know I'm here.. If I didn't have you I don't know what I would do..

Never EVER tell ANYONE you are feeling suicidal. Not your best friend, your doctor, ANYBODY. Please don't be trapped like I am.

 

[Sadbrains]

I'm sorry you have to go through this and hope you can overcome this within time, as that's the only thing that will fix anything now. I don't know why the world think keeping someone prisoner and on meds like a rat in a lab is going to magically "fix" them. It's a longshot on most people even agreeing with what is happening, but try telling her it was a "just in case" thing and try to get her to believe you aren't going to do anything. Express more of your feelings although that's how this happened in the first place. If she understands, she will chill. There's also the option of acting as if you are getting better. Tell her you're going to go to therapy, seek help, even if that is clearly not your intention.

This may not be helpful, but if I were in your shoes, these are the desperate things I'd do.

 

[sadjenny]

I'm sorry you have to go through this and hope you can overcome this within time, as that's the only thing that will fix anything now. I don't know why the world think keeping someone prisoner and on meds like a rat in a lab is going to magically "fix" them. It's a longshot on most people even agreeing with what is happening, but try telling her it was a "just in case" thing and try to get her to believe you aren't going to do anything. Express more of your feelings although that's how this happened in the first place. If she understands, she will chill. There's also the option of acting as if you are getting better. Tell her you're going to go to therapy, seek help, even if that is clearly not your intention.

This may not be helpful, but if I were in your shoes, these are the desperate things I'd do.

Thank you. I'm trying to keep my emotional outbursts to myself so that to her I seem calm, but she's a psych major and sees right through me. I also made the mistake of lying to her that I got the SN order cancelled, but she followed up and discovered I didn't. Which led to the ramping up of punishment. Currently, I have emergency appointments with both my psych md and therapist, and hope that can help placate her..

My BIGGEST fear is that she might seek retribution against the company and make it so even when things are calmer in like a month, I won't have access to SN because she'll take down CCS. It's a longshot, but she is HIGHLY intelligent. I may have just ruined things not only for myself but so many others. I can't believe I let this happen

 

[Sadbrains]

Thank you. I'm trying to keep my emotional outbursts to myself so that to her I seem calm, but she's a psych major and sees right through me. I also made the mistake of lying to her that I got the SN order cancelled, but she followed up and discovered I didn't. Which led to the ramping up of punishment. Currently, I have emergency appointments with both my psych md and therapist, and hope that can help placate her..

My BIGGEST fear is that she might seek retribution against the company and make it so even when things are calmer in like a month, I won't have access to SN because she'll take down CCS. It's a longshot, but she is HIGHLY intelligent. I may have just ruined things not only for myself but so many others. I can't believe I let this happen

Let's think a little positive, as silly as that might sound in this situation. CCS most likely have protections in place, which is why they haven't been brought down yet. And even if they were, there are many other sources out there that have not. There will always be a way. If you take down a big drug dealer in a town, drugs don't suddenly disappear in the town.

I hope all goes well at your appointment and she has a change of heart. Make sure you bring up how being locked up makes you feel, as they will probably try to suggest to your sister a way to tone down all the restrictions while still making sure you are safe.

 

[Looking]

How can a pysch major imprison someone, by taking away their money and keys (which is typically seen as a form of abuse amongst spouses), invading their privacy by reading their personal email inbox and setting up cameras? Holy cow. This situation is kind of crazy.

Has she ever done this before? With how safe you felt to be honest with her, this would be the last thing I would expect from a family member.

 

[ShotgunShell]

I don't have much to say other than I'm sorry this is happening. People say they will support anybody with suicidal ideals and then turn around and act like this constantly. We're here for you, friend.

 

[sadjenny]

Let's think a little positive, as silly as that might sound in this situation. CCS most likely have protections in place, which is why they haven't been brought down yet. And even if they were, there are many other sources out there that have not. There will always be a way. If you take down a big drug dealer in a town, drugs don't suddenly disappear in the town.

I hope all goes well at your appointment and she has a change of heart. Make sure you bring up how being locked up makes you feel, as they will probably try to suggest to your sister a way to tone down all the restrictions while still making sure you are safe.

Friend, thank you so so much. I know you didn't have to take time out of your day to reach out, but it means a lot to me... This is the first moment all afternoon I have had to myself and I'm just vomiting emotions all over and I know I sound crazy. Thank you for being here.. You're right, CCS has got to have protection in place. I'm going to do my best to stay low on her radar and be a model "prisoner".

Has she ever done this before? With how safe you felt to be honest with her, this would be the last thing I would expect from a family member.

Yes, she has done controlling type behavior before, but not as bad as this. Nowhere as bad! It's complicated. Although I'm recognized as mentally competent (legally), I am autistic and she often "babies" me. She limits who I can see and where I travel, and says it's for my safety. And as an introvert and somewhat recluse, it has been fine with me. We never had the closest relationship, but this morning I just wanted a hug. I hadn't hadn't been hugged by anyone in several years and I was lonely and hoped we might talk, sister to sister.

 

[Looking]

Yes, she has done controlling type behavior before, but not as bad as this. Nowhere as bad! It's complicated. Although I'm recognized as mentally competent (legally), I am autistic and she often "babies" me. She limits who I can see and where I travel, and says it's for my safety. And as an introvert and somewhat recluse, it has been fine with me. We never had the closest relationship, but this morning I just wanted a hug. I hadn't hadn't been hugged by anyone in several years and I was lonely and hoped we might talk, sister to sister.

I think it's normal to want to want affection and not punishment when it comes to being vulnerable to someone you care for. I'm sorry this has happened to you, and it's really unfair on you. I really wish there was more I could say, but it's such a ridiculous situation that you're in, I have no idea what you can even say or do here...

 

[sadjenny]

I don't have much to say other than I'm sorry this is happening. People say they will support anybody with suicidal ideals and then turn around and act like this constantly. We're here for you, friend.

Thank you. I am overwhelmed by the kindness of this community. People have always been difficult for me to talk to because of my mental deficits, but here is the closest place that has ever felt good. I wish I had started talking sooner.

I think it's normal to want to want affection and not punishment when it comes to being vulnerable to someone you care for. I'm sorry this has happened to you, and it's really unfair on you. I really wish there was more I could say, but it's such a ridiculous situation that you're in, I have no idea what you can even say or do here...

It will be okay. I feel better some just having had the space to talk a little and gather my thoughts. I know it's going to be rough for me for a while, and honestly I may just check myself into the psych ward next week to get away from her monitoring. But it will be okay. I'm still going to be able to exit. I will just have to wait longer than I anticipated. I appreciate you, friend. Lord knows I hope you're having a better day than I.

 

[Scythe]

That is absolutly horrible, I hope you'll get out of this suituation soon. I'm pretty sure what she did is illegal to some extent...assuming you're an adult. Either way, that's fucked up. You can probably get her in trouble with the law. Or at least force her to hand over your belongings by consulting with law enforcement. (Assuming she hasn't yet) You might be able to force her to uninstall the cameras if you get the police involved, but I'm not sure. Although, I guess your sister can just get the police to send you to a psych ward, which you said might be better. I also suggest trying to get a refund for the SN. And you can probably access your debit card online.

 

[leloyon]

People you know putting you on suicide watch sucks the most. You feel terrible? Time to make you feel even more so, for your safety.

 

[sadjenny]

That is absolutly horrible, I hope you'll get out of this suituation soon. I'm pretty sure what she did is illegal to some extent...assuming you're an adult. Either way, that's fucked up. You can probably get her in trouble with the law. Or at least force her to hand over your belongings by consulting with law enforcement. (Assuming she hasn't yet) You might be able to force her to uninstall the cameras if you get the police involved, but I'm not sure. Although, I guess your sister can just get the police to send you to a psych ward, which you said might be better. I also suggest trying to get a refund for the SN. And you can probably access your debit card online.

Yes, we're both adults in our 30s. I am older than her by several years. I know I could get police involved, but honestly I am frightened of them. (I am in USA) And I fear that would escalate things even further. I don't mind psych wards, I have gone in voluntarily before when I needed. But to be taken against my will would be traumatic. And there, you are not allowed your phone! Rn I am able to keep it and just having you guys around and videos on YouTube to distract me is keeping me sane. It is a really crazy situation I got myself in.

People you know putting you on suicide watch sucks the most. You feel terrible? Time to make you feel even more so, for your safety.

Ikr? And the saddest thing is, now I don't trust her anymore. I thought she would be a safe person, and I lost that today. My world got a small bit smaller.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like an absolutely horrific situation, it's really disgusting and cruel to force someone to suffer like that against their wishes, you just cannot trust people in this pro life society and I agree that it's always for the best to never be open about wanting to die.

 

[Galileo3630]

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling scared, trapped, and overwhelmed. It is understandable that you confided in your sister for emotional support, but it is not okay that she has taken extreme measures to control your behavior and limit your access to resources. I'd be as equally upset if someone would be controlling me this much, but I'm sure it's just her sisterly instincts coming into play. If you don't mind me asking, was your mother not much of a role-model during you child years? Did she take good care of you and your sister when you were young? Or was your sister the grown-up during your child-hood and had to take care of both of you?

 

[Ki_Nam]

I'm afraid my package will be intercepted too.

 

[sorrow_sparrow]

sorry to hear that dear...

another broken thrust is the worst feeling we can have in these situation of ours. we all aware that even psychiatrist are human, they will show their emotion differently to their loved one than to a patient whose complete strangers for them.

your sister's reaction are genuine and common for someone hearing her loved one being suicidal and already prepared, she shows her love to you with her own 'language', it's her human instinct kick in, we cannot blame her... and also she cannot blame us for having our own suicidal thought... no ones fault and we wont point our finger toward other that we loved for being protected to their and our emotional feeling, we are all just not in the same page with them to view the living world

we have to understand their love language same as we want them to understand ours...

my advice is let the universe decide... maybe the universe just give you time to prepared better or to say goodbye properly to loved one ( its my cats in my case ) or to understand more about your CTB purposed, or there is something you forgot before you go

so now maybe just chill a little, try to save some from your sandwich money or take some of your belonging and sell it to your friend, craigslist or ebay ( any marketplace at you country ) using app transfer ( e-money ) coz I personally believe if it is meant to be, the mother earth will set time to let us go... and we'll know... :)

sorry if my writing is so cheesy, its just some of my thought.... be kind hehe

 

[sadjenny]

If you don't mind me asking, was your mother not much of a role-model during you child years? Did she take good care of you and your sister when you were young? Or was your sister the grown-up during your child-hood and had to take care of both of you?

Oh our mom was amazing, an excellent example of kindness and alturism. But she was very sick for our entire lives and by the time I was a preteen, she was 100% bedbound and I assumed her full time caregiving. In our childhood, I was actually the "adult" for my sister and I. I cooked and sent her to school and tried to make sure she was okay. Our roles flipped as we grew into adults. My sister was able to grow and become a proper adult, make connections with people, establish her career. And I was not. Despite what's happening now, I am still tremendously proud of her. Her success is all I ever wanted for her, as her big sibling.

Thank you for asking, friend. I am not used to people taking interest in my life.

I'm afraid my package will be intercepted too.

I hate that you have this worry! I hope it arrives to you safely, friend. And that you may experience the comfort of knowing you can take your life in your own hands.

my advice is let the universe decide... maybe the universe just give you time to prepared better or to say goodbye properly to loved one ( its my cats in my case ) or to understand more about your CTB purposed, or there is something you forgot before you go

so now maybe just chill a little, try to save some from your sandwich money or take some of your belonging and sell it to your friend, craigslist or ebay ( any marketplace at you country ) using app transfer ( e-money ) coz I personally believe if it is meant to be, the mother earth will set time to let us go... and we'll know... :)

sorry if my writing is so cheesy, its just some of my thought.... be kind hehe

You are tremendously sweet. Thank you... I am feeling better from where I was yesterday. It is still eerie to look at the camera in the corner of my room, but I am okay. Funnily enough, I had just that same thought earlier today. That the universe wants me to stick around for something. In my case, I believe that "something" is the next season of my favorite cartoon show, which airs in April.

I am going to manage this crisis, regroup, research, gather new supplies, and stay positive!

 

[Galileo3630]

Oh our mom was amazing, an excellent example of kindness and alturism. But she was very sick for our entire lives and by the time I was a preteen, she was 100% bedbound and I assumed her full time caregiving. In our childhood, I was actually the "adult" for my sister and I. I cooked and sent her to school and tried to make sure she was okay. Our roles flipped as we grew into adults. My sister was able to grow and become a proper adult, make connections with people, establish her career. And I was not. Despite what's happening now, I am still tremendously proud of her. Her success is all I ever wanted for her, as her big sibling.

Thank you for asking, friend. I am not used to people taking interest in my life.



I hate that you have this worry! I hope it arrives to you safely, friend. And that you may experience the comfort of knowing you can take your life in your own hands.



You are tremendously sweet. Thank you... I am feeling better from where I was yesterday. It is still eerie to look at the camera in the corner of my room, but I am okay. Funnily enough, I had just that same thought earlier today. That the universe wants me to stick around for something. In my case, I believe that "something" is the next season of my favorite cartoon show, which airs in April.

I am going to manage this crisis, regroup, research, gather new supplies, and stay positive!

Aaah, so it wasn't your mom being an awful parent, it was simply life taking over and preparing you for the future, it is quite interesting though the way you grew up, because I grew up completely differently, I had to tell my mom want decisions she should make as an adult which was incredibly terrible when you think about it, but in hindsight I think it benefited me because now as an adult I'm more rational and open-minded to certain things. However, I think your sister only intercepted your CTB method only because she cares deeply about you and doesn't want to lose a mother-figure. You seem like a genuine and caring person, shoot me a pm, I'd love to chit chat with you a little

 

[SexyIncél]

It's a longshot, but she is HIGHLY intelligent.

Looks like you're being smart against your abusive jailer. Persistence often beats intelligence. I hope you can grind her out!