I’m getting ready

[Rain]

I'm getting ready. Does anyone have a checklist they can share with me. I can't think clearly enough and I don't want to leave anything undone. Not that it would matter. I used to be a writer, but I can't even write a note. I don't even know what to say. There's so much to say and I've been crying it out loud for years and begging for help. My own mother ignores me when I cry. My crying annoys her and she can't stand it. I tell her maybe if she came to me and tried to soothe me or comfort me the crying would stop. I think I have severe borderline personality. I'm don't see hope healing from this and I am in a lot of pain. Too much detail to write but the last three years have been a living nightmare. I don't even know what I'm asking right now. I just need someone to see this, I'm in so much pain. I want to be at peace, I don't want to die. I want to live. I don't know if I can hold on any longer. At this point it's me living with my mom who hates me and I can't leave because I'm on disability and don't have enough money to support myself. I should have married when I was 25. I should have a husband and family of my own to love. But I chased after a boy who didn't love me back and never wanted me and missed the good one. Now I'm 11 years older and the borderline is getting worse. I don't feel I can heal this level of pain. I'm gonna end up hanging myself, seems quick and painless right? I hope. I find peace in knowing I have my plan. But not in the other things...making sure everything is in order. I should cash out my retirement and give it away, but to who? Maybe my nephew. I need the pain of my mother to end. Even if I did move out it would haunt me the rest of my days the evil she portrayed to me the last three years. The lack of love is what's killed me.

 

[Return2Dust]

Hi Rain! Before you do anything, take a few deep breaths. Just breathe.
What usually works for you when you're upset? Do you listen to music? Take walks? You said you're a writer. What genre?

 

[Rain]

Hi Rain! Before you do anything, take a few deep breaths. Just breathe.
What usually works for you when you're upset? Do you listen to music? Take walks? You said you're a writer. What genre?

Nothing works anymore because this has been going on too long. I'm fighting for my life for three years now. I'm tired. I'm told I am a burden. I know it's going to happen, I just don't know when. I can't take this hell anymore. It's not about passing a feeling bc things will look up, of course ebb and flow I understand. It's deep rooted trauma and it's still happening in my adult life. I have no one else. Lack of love kills. I am not wanted, everyone has left me. Who are we without others? We're social beings that's what we need to thrive. I'm not thriving. I don't want to be told to hold on. I want support for the end. I'm suffering. My story is long and intense and involves more than mom. I lost a lot the past few years, my health, my job, my best friend, my freedom and independence. I suffer prolonged brain damage from psychiatric drug withdrawal. I'm in hell here. I'm suffering! I need this pain to stop.

 

[Jean4]

Rain, you are me. I am 51. I understand and I understand your pain and how nobody hears you when you say you are in pain.

We are here for you, we understand, and we will listen if you want to talk.