I'm getting ready.

[marooned123]

I've decided on my method. I have plenty of propranolol, amitriptyline, etc. to stop my heart. I'll eat a small meal and take an antiemetic to keep from throwing up. I'll take the doses a little at a time. I'll have a double trash bag ready for when I'm almost asleep. I have a buckled strap with Velcro that I got just for this, when I think I'm close to passing out, I'll fasten it securely around my neck. It won't need to be tight, just enough to deprive me of oxygen. I have a tarp for the floor so I won't ruin anything after I pass. I'll just fall asleep and never wake up. I'll make arrangements for my ESA to be taken care of. I'll have messages and/or emails pre-written and scheduled for the next day so the police can find me and my family won't have to. I'm just scared as hell. Damn SI. I'm such a chicken. I thought about getting a partner but I don't trust anyone anymore anyway plus I don't want to be responsible for someone else's death. Only question is, the thoughts are always there, when will they get so bad that I finally can do it? Will the prep scare me out of doing it again? I told my dad that if he ever found me he wouldn't try to save me. He promised me. He's 86 years old and understands how horrible life can be and he knows I've struggled my whole life. I was doing well in therapy and then my trauma counselor resigned due to health reasons. I was about to start EMDR, etc. I have tried almost every counselor near me and they seem to take everything either too seriously or too lightly. Like Goldilocks. What happened at the end of that fairytale? Did the bear eat her? I don't remember.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring what you've been through, it truly is such a cruel existence. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[fallingtopieces]

We all struggle with SI, it's a natural part of us. One of the hard things about therapy is finding someone you feel you can connect to. I'm sorry you lost your counselor. Is EMDR still possible through a new therapist?

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Together with you in solidarity for Palestine. For those poor innocent children being slaughtered over there, survival instinct is not part of the equation.

 

[marooned123]

We all struggle with SI, it's a natural part of us. One of the hard things about therapy is finding someone you feel you can connect to. I'm sorry you lost your counselor. Is EMDR still possible through a new therapist?

No. I tried everyone already

 

[FallingGrace]

Also together with you in solidarity with Palestine. I'm not sure whereabouts you live, but depending on the type of trauma you hold, some charities offer EMDR for free after a (painfully) extended waiting list. For example when you are the victim of criminal sexual assault offences, but I'm sure other charities have different criteria. I'm currently on one myself, hence why I'm still sort of lingering. Everything is worth a shot, right?

 

[marooned123]

Also together with you in solidarity with Palestine. I'm not sure whereabouts you live, but depending on the type of trauma you hold, some charities offer EMDR for free after a (painfully) extended waiting list. For example when you are the victim of criminal sexual assault offences, but I'm sure other charities have different criteria. I'm currently on one myself, hence why I'm still sort of lingering. Everything is worth a shot, right?

Well I live in a red state with no care about mental health

Together with you in solidarity for Palestine. For those poor innocent children being slaughtered over there, survival instinct is not part of the equation.

I meant SI as in survival instinct in the context of my post

 

[dauntra17]

For me, this time feels different. I've accepted what I am and will never be and forgive myself for giving up. I too worry SI will kick in, but I've fought thru SI before, just didn't die. I hope you are able to make a decision deep down, the in between pain is horrific. I like your plan and it helped me tweak mine a little. I hope you find peace in whatever way you choose. I'm journaling my days as I get closer and will reread my entries if SI does kick in, to remind myself why I came to this decision.

 

[marooned123]

For me, this time feels different. I've accepted what I am and will never be and forgive myself for giving up. I too worry SI will kick in, but I've fought thru SI before, just didn't die. I hope you are able to make a decision deep down, the in between pain is horrific. I like your plan and it helped me tweak mine a little. I hope you find peace in whatever way you choose. I'm journaling my days as I get closer and will reread my entries if SI does kick in, to remind myself why I came to this decision.

I hate that I gave you and other members any possible assistance with ctb. I was raised,.as most of us were, to believe it's a selfish act.

I can't predict my moods anymore. I've tried 6 new jobs in the past 12 months. Without a job I feel like I have no purpose. I just sit here. I literally am slowly dying because our society thinks it's horrible to ctb. Animals like deer, elephants, etc. would eventually take over the planet without population control. I read about this. We are just another species - but we think we're so special and superior that, OMG, your life is so important!! There are twice as many people on the earth as there were just a few decades ago. It's 8.07 billion people.

"The global human population reached 8.0 billion in mid-November 2022 from an estimated 2.5 billion people in 1950, adding 1 billion people since 2010 and 2 billion since 1998."

Source: https://www.un.org/en/global-issues...n population reached,and 2 billion since 1998.

So I'm a little dubious that we're so special. Look how we treat each other. We traumatize each other and then just say "oh well that's a part of life." Well if so then I don't want anything to do with it.

Also together with you in solidarity with Palestine. I'm not sure whereabouts you live, but depending on the type of trauma you hold, some charities offer EMDR for free after a (painfully) extended waiting list. For example when you are the victim of criminal sexual assault offences, but I'm sure other charities have different criteria. I'm currently on one myself, hence why I'm still sort of lingering. Everything is worth a shot, right?

I've taken millions of "shots" during my life, trying to find a solution. I'm exhausted. Why can't I just fucking get cancer? It would be more pleasurable than this crap. I'm not young anymore and I have less empathy and more anger and resentment every day. I'm turning into one of those people who you try to avoid. So I don't make friends and I have none because I wouldn't have the energy to be a good friend in return and I also would just scare people off. But I get your point. I'm just so freaking over it.

 

[dauntra17]

I want to clarify you helped me rethink who would find me. I was planning on my family, didn't even consider law enforcement. So you actually helped me be more kind, in a way. I agree we don't treat each other right, it's hypocritical at every level

 

[marooned123]

I want to clarify you helped me rethink who would find me. I was planning on my family, didn't even consider law enforcement. So you actually helped me be more kind, in a way. I agree we don't treat each other right, it's hypocritical at every level

You're highly intelligent and empathetic. As you just stated, we're hypocrites. Because I think the world would be better off with you in it.

 

[marooned123]

For me, this time feels different. I've accepted what I am and will never be and forgive myself for giving up. I too worry SI will kick in, but I've fought thru SI before, just didn't die. I hope you are able to make a decision deep down, the in between pain is horrific. I like your plan and it helped me tweak mine a little. I hope you find peace in whatever way you choose. I'm journaling my days as I get closer and will reread my entries if SI does kick in, to remind myself why I came to this decision.

Journaling as well. That is an excellent reason, though. I'll just go over my entries to prove how much hell it is to exist..why can't I just be selfish and unaware of every little horrible thing in life so I can go on meaninglessly like so many other lemmings?

 

[dauntra17]

Do you believe in something after this?

You're highly intelligent and empathetic. As you just stated, we're hypocrites. Because I think the world would be better off with you in it.

Can I ask why you think that?

 

[Dmoore3232]

I've decided on my method. I have plenty of propranolol, amitriptyline, etc. to stop my heart. I'll eat a small meal and take an antiemetic to keep from throwing up. I'll take the doses a little at a time. I'll have a double trash bag ready for when I'm almost asleep. I have a buckled strap with Velcro that I got just for this, when I think I'm close to passing out, I'll fasten it securely around my neck. It won't need to be tight, just enough to deprive me of oxygen. I have a tarp for the floor so I won't ruin anything after I pass. I'll just fall asleep and never wake up. I'll make arrangements for my ESA to be taken care of. I'll have messages and/or emails pre-written and scheduled for the next day so the police can find me and my family won't have to. I'm just scared as hell. Damn SI. I'm such a chicken. I thought about getting a partner but I don't trust anyone anymore anyway plus I don't want to be responsible for someone else's death. Only question is, the thoughts are always there, when will they get so bad that I finally can do it? Will the prep scare me out of doing it again? I told my dad that if he ever found me he wouldn't try to save me. He promised me. He's 86 years old and understands how horrible life can be and he knows I've struggled my whole life. I was doing well in therapy and then my trauma counselor resigned due to health reasons. I was about to start EMDR, etc. I have tried almost every counselor near me and they seem to take everything either too seriously or too lightly. Like Goldilocks. What happened at the end of that fairytale? Did the bear eat her? I don't remember.

do you have diazepam though?

 

[marooned123]

do you have diazepam though?

It's a benzo, so, no access. But I almost completed ctb about 25 years ago by taking a whole bottle of propranolol and some other ones, I don't remember much. They said I was gone and they had to resuscitate. Assholes.