Venting I’m getting frustrated

[Willowherb]

This may seem kinda stupid, ungrateful, and naive of me
but hear me out cause I really wanna relate with someone

I've been feeling better recently (I'm not as burnt out, been around my family more often, a bit happier, and less stressed)
But not in a good way
I'm just not as desperate to CTB anymore
and I feel like something is wrong
I feel so hollow and empty
Like nothing

having no purpose in life was my number 1 reason for wanting to ctb
And ctb-ing was kind of a motive that had kept me going
It gave me hopes that if I push on just a teeny bit more I'll finally have all my resources ready and get it done
but nothing changed
My life kinda did
I got diagnosed with MS
and It kinda mended my dry relationship with my family
You know, brought everyone back together
We started talking more
Spending time more often than we previously did
Which got me distracted
But whenever I sat alone everything rushes back again
The only difference is that I'm not as desperate as I had been before
and it doesn't feel right
It's like I lost a part of me
It was the only thing I've ever felt such strong motivation towards
And I'm just so damn frustrated
I would kill myself in a heartbeat if there was a gun in front of me (or at least that's what I think)
But clearly I would never get out of my way and search for a gun


I feel a strong sense of belonging towards the version of me who would've done anything to just disappear
That version brings me so much comfort
But for some reason I can't seem to get it back

If I phrase it differently I'd just say that I wanna be as suicidal all over again
Which sounds stupid but is true

 

[defunkt]

I completely understand what you mean.

I have suffered from an early onset auto immune since my twenties myself.

I suffer from pain and disability too, though not quite as severe as MS.

But I had friends who have MS and I can imagine what a death sentence it may feel like.

As for family I'm glad you worked it out with them but you've gotten so used to being suicidal, you don't know how to be anything else, and now instead of the hurt you feel numb and not like your self anymore.

I've been through the cycle several times and I manage to find a way to work things out with partners or family but then something gets fucked again and I'm back to the same place.

I'm become so accustomed to it I just wait for the shoe to drop and it does lol so I don't even bother taking any relationship seriously. But I use to before and I felt the same way about it like the happiness felt odd. And that made me a little bit delusional too, thinking nothing bad will happen with the relationship.

But it did.

Because people can be self serving and unempathetic. Especially until they get the some illness themselves and get taught some lessons of their own.

My ex used to hate me getting panic attacks I used to feel like something was suddenly wrong in my brain like my brain cells were reorganizing and I was paranoid I was going crazy. Until he had one himself several years later and that's when he was just sitting on his chair completely stunned.

And he actually even apologized to me but I had way too much of a severe illness than him.

I just love self harm but even that doesn't quite feel the way it used to.

It doesn't quite feel the same rush but it's still better than feeling nothing.

So well, I hope you find that your family will truly help you out and sort shit out.

I hope they will be supportive and empathetic.

I hope in time you will be able to be truly happy and be with a supportive family and in time, the need for suicide will also not be a part of you anymore and you will find something good to replace it with.

 

[dinosavr]

Wow this is so relatable. And it's incredibly difficult, because pro lifers aren't there to save us because we're not in immediate danger, and we also can't feel like we belong among suicidal people who are more determined to do what it takes to die as soon as possible. But there's nothing we can do but hope that one day the gun will be in front of us, or that we'll feel ready to let it go and start to live a normal life. Being stuck and helpless is fucking tiring though, that's for sure.

 

[Willowherb]

I completely understand what you mean.

I have suffered from an early onset auto immune since my twenties myself.

I suffer from pain and disability too, though not quite as severe as MS.

But I had friends who have MS and I can imagine what a death sentence it may feel like.

I truly hope that there'll be an end to your suffering, I could never imagine and grasp how much pain you've been through since I was actually quite lucky I had MS discovered early and haven't been through much to actually consider it a disability. I honestly feel as if It's just a label for me in some way or another, cause I know I don't suffer from any disabilities visible to people around me or ones that would hinder my daily life (since symptoms vary widly from case to another in MS).
I kinda feel undeserving of all the care I get, because I know that one day I would pull the trigger or jump and end it all, that all the effort that has been put towards my case will just go to waste.
at the same time there's that feeling deep down that tells me something might go wrong, that I might turn into yet another common case of MS and end up in a life full of more suffering, leaving me in a cycle of paranoia.

I just love self harm but even that doesn't quite feel the way it used to.

It doesn't quite feel the same rush but it's still better than feeling nothing.

I agree
As ironic at it may sound It used to be the only thing that would stop the pain and make me feel something else
But now it's just absolutely nothing.
Self harm no longer sounds as pleasurable as it used to before, at the beginning of everything.
These days feel like a dream, like I'm just floating away and absolutely nothing could stop my numbness.
I no longer feel passion towards anything, it's like I just wanna get everything over with.
it feels so trapping, like this is a never ending cycle, like I'll live forever without a single purpose.
And that makes me even more suicidal.

I hope in time you will be able to be truly happy and be with a supportive family and in time, the need for suicide will also not be a part of you anymore and you will find something good to replace it with.

This truly means a lot, I hope that one day your words will be a bit desirable. At the moment, the need for suicide seems like the only thing that might bring me solace and everything else is just absolutely revolting, like a cursed idea that I can never dare think of.

 

[Willowherb]

Wow this is so relatable. And it's incredibly difficult, because pro lifers aren't there to save us because we're not in immediate danger, and we also can't feel like we belong among suicidal people who are more determined to do what it takes to die as soon as possible. But there's nothing we can do but hope that one day the gun will be in front of us, or that we'll feel ready to let it go and start to live a normal life. Being stuck and helpless is fucking tiring though, that's for sure.

Pro lifers will just shame you endlessly for ever daring to think of such a thing, and wouldn't dare to lend a helping hand unless it's to throw you into a psych ward, which rarely ever helps.

I feel so odd in here when reading how others are now on their 3rd try and I'm just a cowardly loser who'd always say they're gonna buy some rope but wakes up the next day realizing they haven't for the 30th time this month.

It's just… so damn frustrating.

Why can't I for once ever do something right.

I always end up throwing some stupid excuses like "it's too risky", "my parents are staying home tonight" or "this could never bypass customs, I'll just get my fucked up and end up in jail"

I'm so fed up with myself that I've reached a point where I just wish I could bump into a sicko with a gun.