Discussion I'm getting better and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

[paperbaghat]

My life has gotten so much busier in the past month. I've started attending classes again, keeping a good attendance record, being more proactive in my learning and sometimes talking to others. I often find myself smiling when over-hearing my peer's conversations (they are very entertaining). I have also started cooking meals for my family again and going on daily walks.

Despite these improvements, I feel a intense feeling of dread; the further I climb out of this hole the greater I will fall if I fail or burn out. I often ruin positive moments or my entire day by reminding myself of how I will mess up again and how I never deserved to get better in the first place, that I will eventually succumb to my suicidal thoughts.
The dissonance between my actions and emotions leaves my conflicted and uncomfortable since I want to get better, but I can't imagine a world where I don't commit suicide. Has anyone felt a similar way?

 

[SnaileyBailey]

That happened to me and I think its normal, especially for people who have been in depressive slumps for a very long time. Try making long term goals for yourself, when suicide stops being an end goal then stability stops being scary.

Keep at it! You sound like you're making a lot of good improvements for yourself.

 

[orpheus_]

I'm glad you are doing better! Really proud of you for making that efforr

Also same, my life has been surprisingly good through the last month too (besides maybe a few days but that was probably related to situational stress). I've had these "good times" before, a few weeks usually, sometimes they faded out slowly and sometimes I suddendly crashed without a reason.

the further I climb out of this hole the greater I will fall

Well yes, the sharp contrast between feeling better and suddendly crashing can be overwhelming. However, after longer periods of "better" time, I feel like bearing the worse ones is easier. Eventually you subconsciously re-learn that it's not as hopeless.

how I never deserved to get better in the first place

Also I know this will sound generic af but you DO deserve to get better, nobody deserves to suffer /in my personal worldview, at least/ and if you are trying/were trying to recover and make effort even though it's hard, you ESPECIALLY deserve it. You don't deserve to feel bad!!

The dissonance between my actions and emotions leaves my conflicted and uncomfortable since I want to get better, but I can't imagine a world where I don't commit suicide.

Yeah I experienced something similar during, like, the first months when I commited to actually getting better instead of destroying myself further. I theoretically did all the things I was "supposed" to do, logically knowing that I am trying to live, but at the same time I still felt like everything was going to end soon and why even bother. Still I tried just doing things, sometimes pushing through bad moments, kind of taking a leap of faith in all of these.

I guess some people will never get rid of suicidal thoughts and for them the point of recovery is not getting perfectly "normal" forever, but putting together a life that will be worth bearing the bad times. You know, treating a mental breakdown more like catching a cold than the end of everything. Knowing that there IS the possibility of feeling better and it will eventually come.
It is kind of like this for me, at least, and many people I've known.

By this I'm not saying *you* will never recover completely, because it is all very individual. I also do not know your exact problems and I'm talking mostly from the viewpoint of depression and similar issues. My point is - even if more bad times will come you can still have a good life. It's just, "getting better" is not all black and white.

I'd say keep trying and you are doing good. For many people functionality returns before feeling better. As you proceed making your life something more than misery, even with silly little things like casual conversations or cooking and walks, there's a possibility it will get better.