Im fine

[annxietty]

As Im writing this my sister is talking very loudly with her husband and her husband's sister about how Im fine, how Im not suicidal, how Im not anxious anymore, how I dont need meds, how Im addicted to meds and their effects, she is talking for me, I havent said any of this, but you know what's funny? If I start talking about my true feelings, the truth I had to say in front of the psychiatrist I saw today, everything will fall apart. They dont believe in psychiatrists, they havent seen one ever, but they act like they know better than me how they are, they talk like they know me better than myself, they talk like they know what the meds do better than me, they talk like I take a "happy pill" (thats how my sister calls them) and I feel happiness, they dont know shit, they are laughing right now, right after saying that all I accomplish is not because Im doing all my effort to accomplish it, is because my meds... I want them to shut up, please... I have a big bruise on my leg because I hit myself when I feel like shit, I think about cutting and killing myself everyday, I feel anxiety everytime I leave my house, Im leaving notes on my phone, on notebooks, everywhere I can, so they know how I truly feel after I leave this world.
I didnt give much context but today I went to a psychiatrist, yesterday I talked with a nurse and she got so worried she talked with the doctor herself so he could see me today, the day after, I talked with him and he prescribed me some meds, my next appointment is in June, and there is only one psychologist for 70k people so I will only see her maybe next year, my sister didnt like any of this, the meds, the late appointments... she says Im fine, so Im fine right? If Im not fine is only because I dont put effort in it.
I want to laugh when they talk about the happy pill, I once told her that if she knows about a pill like that she should tell me lol