I’m finally sitting down to write my goodbye letter

[Stroopwafel.]

I have been procrastinating this moment for so long. But as I feel I'm getting closer to CTB, I know it needs to be done. I will only write a letter to my mom and dad. Man, this is really hard and I'm crying a lot while writing things down. I will miss them so much. But the suffering is getting too much to stay. I need to be ready to leave at any moment.

I'll be writing down my wishes for my cremation as well (I just want it to be simple, I don't want it to be expensive, I only want a few people to be invited) and I will write down what to do with my belongings. I want my family to have it or I want it to be donated.

Things are getting really serious now. I do not think there's a way back for me anymore. I did not set a date and I probably won't. Knowing myself, I think setting a date will stress me out a lot and I might keep chickening out. I have my plan ready. I have the SN and all other required meds. When I finish those letters, all the preparations are done. I think I will know when the time is right. I wanna spend some more time with my parents and my cats. Oh man, my cats, I will miss them so much.

 

[amarillo]

I feel you. I've actually started writing mine recently and I'm struggling. I need to be in a very specific mood as well, depressed enough to really feel what I'm writing, but not so depressed that I can't get myself to do anything, let alone write goodbye letters. It could also be that I'm subconsciously postponing it, because as I recently received the last necessary materials for my method (also SN) this is the last step I need to take before I'm really ready. Maybe I'm not ready for it to be "real" yet, but then again, I would hate it if I just keep putting it off. I like your idea of not setting a fixed date, maybe that would help me feel less pressured.

I hope you can share some good last moments with your parents and your cats and I wish you the best of luck, however things might go. <3

 

[slyna]

Arent you scared SN have a high risk of hurting?

 

[Stroopwafel.]

I feel you. I've actually started writing mine recently and I'm struggling. I need to be in a very specific mood as well, depressed enough to really feel what I'm writing, but not so depressed that I can't get myself to do anything, let alone write goodbye letters. It could also be that I'm subconsciously postponing it, because as I recently received the last necessary materials for my method this is the last step I need to take before I'm really ready. Maybe I'm not ready for it to be "real" yet, but then again, I would hate it if I just keep putting it off. I like your idea of not setting a fixed date, maybe that would help me feel less pressured.

I hope you can share some good last moments with your parents and your cats and I wish you the best of luck, however things might go. <3

Thank you for your kind words I feel you on postponing it for a long time. Looking back at my own situation: I was not ready for it yet. I sat down to write some things down about my cremation and belongings before, but never started to write the actual goodbye letter. Looking back on that: I was not ready yet to write it down. I don't know if that's the case for you as well: but I hope you will find the right moment for it, but please remember there's no rush in such thing. The letter and death are not going anywhere. It's not an easy thing to decide, and it's okay to take all the time you need.

I'm struggling as well right now. So far I wrote down all the things about my cremation and belongings. But the actual goodbye letter is really hard. I write down a few things, don't really 'like/feel' them, and start all over again. There is no 'right way' to write down what I want to say. There's no words for it. I just want it to be short, I want my parents to have this letter after I'm gone, as I think it could help them a bit. I have a really good relationship with them and lately we have been super open about my feelings. Honestly I think they know this moment will come. I feel so bad for the pain I cause them. My mom literally told me that she understands if I decide to leave this world at some point. I can't believe how supportive she became in the last 1.5 years of my suffering. She says she will support whatever decision I make. Still I feel like a terrible daughter for causing her this much pain. She's the greatest person on this planet tbh. She deserves so much more.

The next obstacle is deciding where to do it and during what time of the day/night. I live in an institution where they monitor me almost 24/7 and there's other people who live here as well. I do only have little privacy. The only chance I have is during the nights. That's the only moment they will not check on me every few hours. I will be left alone during the night, more then enough hours to kill myself with SN. I'm just worried a bit about the noice I might cause. The person who works here won't hear it, as their bedroom is on another floor and they are in the bedroom between 11pm-7am, unless someone needs them and goes to them/call them. So that's enough time to make sure the SN kills me. But I'm afraid that my neighbor might hear me making noice and getting alarmed. It's not possible to go to a hotel room in my current situation. The only other option would be leaving the building during nighttime and look for a quiet spot outside. But then there's always this chance of people passing by and finding me…

Arent you scared SN have a high risk of hurting?

I don't think it will cause a lot of pain. I'm sure I will be in some discomfort. Also I might have a panic attack. From people who survived SN, I haven't read anyone remembering being in a lot of pain.

Also dying won't be easy and I don't think there's a 100% painless way. From all the options available, I think SN might be one of the better options.

 

[AtMostOkay]

I wish you all peace, in whatever form that takes. Safe passage.

 

[amarillo]

Thank you for your kind words I feel you on postponing it for a long time. Looking back at my own situation: I was not ready for it yet. I sat down to write some things down about my cremation and belongings before, but never started to write the actual goodbye letter. Looking back on that: I was not ready yet to write it down. I don't know if that's the case for you as well: but I hope you will find the right moment for it, but please remember there's no rush in such thing. The letter and death are not going anywhere. It's not an easy thing to decide, and it's okay to take all the time you need.

I'm struggling as well right now. So far I wrote down all the things about my cremation and belongings. But the actual goodbye letter is really hard. I write down a few things, don't really 'like/feel' them, and start all over again. There is no 'right way' to write down what I want to say. There's no words for it. I just want it to be short, I want my parents to have this letter after I'm gone, as I think it could help them a bit. I have a really good relationship with them and lately we have been super open about my feelings. Honestly I think they know this moment will come. I feel so bad for the pain I cause them. My mom literally told me that she understands if I decide to leave this world at some point. I can't believe how supportive she became in the last 1.5 years of my suffering. She says she will support whatever decision I make. Still I feel like a terrible daughter for causing her this much pain. She's the greatest person on this planet tbh. She deserves so much more.

The next obstacle is deciding where to do it and during what time of the day/night. I live in an institution where they monitor me almost 24/7 and there's other people who live here as well. I do only have little privacy. The only chance I have is during the nights. That's the only moment they will not check on me every few hours. I will be left alone during the night, more then enough hours to kill myself with SN. I'm just worried a bit about the noice I might cause. The person who works here won't hear it, as their bedroom is on another floor and they are in the bedroom between 11pm-7am, unless someone needs them and goes to them/call them. So that's enough time to make sure the SN kills me. But I'm afraid that my neighbor might hear me making noice and getting alarmed. It's not possible to go to a hotel room in my current situation. The only other option would be leaving the building during nighttime and look for a quiet spot outside. But then there's always this chance of people passing by and finding me…

I'm actually pretty sure I'm not ready to die yet, but I'm afraid I'll never be ready and will just keep living this life and feeling miserable until one day I look back and think "why didn't I kill myself 30 years ago?". Plus my circumstances right now are ideal. I have my own space with flatmates who regularly leave for multiple days, which gives me the time and freedom to plan my end without having to worry about being found. Because what you're describing sounds horrible. It sucks that you have to sneak around and that you will have to be on your toes in those very last moments, when all you want is to just be at peace. And yeah, going outside sounds like a fool-proof way to get found, especially in the Netherlands.

I'm so happy for you that you have such a good relationship with your parents. Man, your mum sounds like an angel being that supportive. It's rare, so you should definitely treasure it (which it sounds like you're doing). But I understand it must make it extra hard having to leave her. I feel very bad for my mum as well. We have a weird relationship in that we're quite close, but we never talk about "real" stuff. She has mental issues as well and I know she would understand, but I just don't feel comfortable enough to talk to her about it. She doesn't even know I'm struggling so much so my ctb will most probably come as a surprise, which breaks my heart. Even more so because I don't know if she will be able to survive my death. I feel so guilty, but in the end we gotta do what's right for us (is how I'm trying to justify it heh).

 

[Stroopwafel.]

I'm actually pretty sure I'm not ready to die yet, but I'm afraid I'll never be ready and will just keep living this life and feeling miserable until one day I look back and think "why didn't I kill myself 30 years ago?". Plus my circumstances right now are ideal. I have my own space with flatmates who regularly leave for multiple days, which gives me the time and freedom to plan my end without having to worry about being found. Because what you're describing sounds horrible. It sucks that you have to sneak around and that you will have to be on your toes in those very last moments, when all you want is to just be at peace. And yeah, going outside sounds like a fool-proof way to get found, especially in the Netherlands.

I'm so happy for you that you have such a good relationship with your parents. Man, your mum sounds like an angel being that supportive. It's rare, so you should definitely treasure it (which it sounds like you're doing). But I understand it must make it extra hard having to leave her. I feel very bad for my mum as well. We have a weird relationship in that we're quite close, but we never talk about "real" stuff. She has mental issues as well and I know she would understand, but I just don't feel comfortable enough to talk to her about it. She doesn't even know I'm struggling so much so my ctb will most probably come as a surprise, which breaks my heart. Even more so because I don't know if she will be able to survive my death. I feel so guilty, but in the end we gotta do what's right for us (is how I'm trying to justify it heh).

I think I'll never be 100% ready to kill myself. The SI will probably always make me doubt, even if it's just in the slightest way. I just really hope I can overcome that damn SI at some point.

I do not live in a very busy area, for as far as that's possible in the Netherlands lmao. But I live in a very touristy area. So yeah, I could find a quiet place in the middle of the night probably, but I think chances of getting caught are much bigger outside, than when I'm in my apartment.

Yes, she definitely is a real angel. We have gone through a lot before she became super supportive tho, to the point where our relationship became so bad that we literally didn't talk anymore. I admire her a lot for being so supportive, I'm not sure if I could do the same tbh. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her.

I feel you on the guilty feelings. I feel the exact same about leaving my mom behind. I'm not sure if she will survive it. And the guilt of knowing that is eating me alive tbh.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, life is painful. Writing notes will probably be hard for me when the time comes around, as I will need to get in everything I want to say and it can be hard putting it into words. I wish you peace if this is what you decide.