banger12
Former nerd; current burden
- Aug 1, 2024
- 270
I know the title probably doesn't make much sense but I'll try to explain what I mean.
So ever since the end of 2023 my life has been on a downward trajectory and at some point, in the deep depths of some of the worst days in summer of last year I was in tons of agony and I realized how dark my future looked. Unfortunately I wasn't afforded a death or any means to die at the time. But I very much was extremely emotionally suicidal almost to the point of impulse and thr lack of effective means was the only barrier. My will to live and fear of death had deteriorated and I felt ready.
As time went on I got used to life like this and learned to manage it, which reduced stress, but that's a double edged sword.
Even though I'm feeling better, I'm not feeling good, just good enough to where follow through might be difficult (at least I'm fearing) and regardless I have a dark future ahead of me which renders suicide in the near term the only logical option. But as I've gotten better my fear of death has started regrowing enough to where I fear that once the time comes ill hesitate or I'll be a coward and I hate that.
I want to die but I don't at the same time. It's more that I wish none of this had happened but since it has and I can't undo a year and a half of my life falling apart I need to escape. But will to live, fear of death and stronger SI might stand in the way. Idk wtf to do. I need this to end.
I'm getting closer to when I would've been able to do it. Options will be available to me roughly within the next two months. This is horrible timing.
The stress was horrible but it was putting so much strain on me that I had lost doubts I could do it. Those doubts re-emerge.
What do I do? Somebody please help.
So ever since the end of 2023 my life has been on a downward trajectory and at some point, in the deep depths of some of the worst days in summer of last year I was in tons of agony and I realized how dark my future looked. Unfortunately I wasn't afforded a death or any means to die at the time. But I very much was extremely emotionally suicidal almost to the point of impulse and thr lack of effective means was the only barrier. My will to live and fear of death had deteriorated and I felt ready.
As time went on I got used to life like this and learned to manage it, which reduced stress, but that's a double edged sword.
Even though I'm feeling better, I'm not feeling good, just good enough to where follow through might be difficult (at least I'm fearing) and regardless I have a dark future ahead of me which renders suicide in the near term the only logical option. But as I've gotten better my fear of death has started regrowing enough to where I fear that once the time comes ill hesitate or I'll be a coward and I hate that.
I want to die but I don't at the same time. It's more that I wish none of this had happened but since it has and I can't undo a year and a half of my life falling apart I need to escape. But will to live, fear of death and stronger SI might stand in the way. Idk wtf to do. I need this to end.
I'm getting closer to when I would've been able to do it. Options will be available to me roughly within the next two months. This is horrible timing.
The stress was horrible but it was putting so much strain on me that I had lost doubts I could do it. Those doubts re-emerge.
What do I do? Somebody please help.
