Venting I'm Falling Apart

[laceandsilk]

My mental health keeps steadily deteriorating. I am trying so hard to be better. I am trying so hard to be better. I am trying so hard. But I am so easily downtrodden and every step back feels like the world is ending. I feel so dramatic all the time and I feel so insane for being so emotional. I'm trying my best. I am going to therapy. I'm taking meds. I'm trying to do the things that are supposed to bring me joy but I just stare into space and my thoughts overwhelm me and I sit there crying for hours. I feel like a fucking mess. I feel like I am ruining everyone's life. I can't stop being like this and I truly don't know what to do. I won't shower for a week and I won't eat meals or drink water for days. I sit in the company of friends spacing out and mute and unable to comprehend anything. I've started drinking to black out on a weekly basis, becase at least then, even if I'm sad, it doesn't sink so hard into my thoughts. It sits on top of my body like a thin glaze and I can at least move through the space without drowning. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend who has to witness this. When he notices I haven't eaten he takes the time to make me food and it makes me feel so awful that he has to exert this effort for me and that I am probably concerning him and that I am probably still just a waste of this effort. I don't know how to fix what I am. I feel as if I am just getting worse and worse as the years progress. I wish I was made of light. I wish I was only positive and could help everyone all the time and never complain and never feel hurt and never feel betrayed. Instead I am surely and exponentially falling apart. Everyone tells me that they are glad to know me, but I can't help but feel they are only saying that to be nice. The other day I was murmuring to myself ways to hurt myself without thinking and my boyfriend had to leave the room because I was making him anxious. My best friend is too depressed for me to express any of this to them. I am poisoning them both. I have started to try and isolate myself from everyone. It is for the best. I think I am poison. My existence is poison. I am let into your life because I have this facade of kindness and empathy and light. Instead it is an gross amalgamation of anxiety, guilt, and fear. And then you are stuck with me because it probably would feel akin to fucking kicking out a pathetic wounded puppy. I shouldn't be allowed to poison everyone anymore.