Venting I'm Dying Cause He Didn't want me: So what?

[Crushed_Innocence]

Why is it so damned taboo to announce that one is going to kill themselves over lost love/relationship/rejection/unrequited love?

Out of all the thousands of pop songs and poems written and sung since man began to write, are on the topic of some version of "Baby Id die without you.." Clearly this is some sort of natural human response to the unique agony & angish relational disintergration causes... I just find it amusing. One would think that instead of all.the bullshit ass: "..He's not worth it..." "..Don't give away all your power to someone who doesn't give a shit about you..." Ugh. Why not? Motherfuckers have ctb over this for ages, it might be the #1 reason the bus delivers a soul from heart-torment every 40 fucking seconds. Don't fucking tell me he isn't worth it. OBVIOUSLY if my ass is going to die, in my heart and eyes he was. And is. This is me. This is MY truth. I do not want to live not being with this person. The DSM can diagnose me all day & night. I dont give a fuck. This is nothing rare, special or new. I am nothing more than human for my current condition and reason to leave this hellish place.

Every morning I wake up to another day that I was not chosen as his Queen for WHATEVER REASON, is a empty, worthless day. So fuck all these hypocrites who love to say: "..you should not let anyone define you, validate you...." Why not? I still haven't heard a reason that satisfys me other than being like this attracts abusers. But oh well to that too because my emotional deformity can't be operated on without destroying the entire creature. So I am going to destroy her.

I will not get revenge by living my best life. I will get peace by granting myself the best death. Giving mysrlf the gift of not having to wake up in the morning and not see him there.

Yes. I AM THAT GIRL. This is my truth. I wish I could replace him. I wish it was that easy. But I will die never having had a mutually loving relationship. And Staying for that reason only will increase my torment because I discovered at 40 that I want kids... I never did till I met him. I am ruined. Im not invincible. Another human being certainly can kill me emotionally, just like a mass shooter can take an innocent life, in the blink of an eye...

The dreams came back, the intrusive thoughts... Nothing can fill the lonliness. Stop telling me it can't be filled by another... it most certainly can... but when they leave... I die... Life for me was a boy. That trauma boy from last summer. Is taking to my grave. I go willingly. It feels right to die for this. Im sick of the shame. Im killing myself cause some asshole, amazing, beautiful, sick, fucked up, sexy, boy.... Didn't find me worth it. Im okay with that. Im so.tired and worn out.

 

[Stan]

I literally see nothing wrong with feeling the way you or having that reason. Stories from ancient legends to modern day story telling a filled with tragedies for lost or unrequited love. It's been known for thousands of years! I think there is even a Bible story or two based on it. I completely understand that if you don't have a certain person (or people) that you can be incomplete and never be able to live life to the full. Don't ever apologise or feel shame for your reason. Take solace that we are all here with different pain, nobody has the right to judge you or anyone else. I do hope though that at some point in the day, you can get a peaceful mind from all of those thoughts, when I get mine it is an absolute blessing.

 

[WelcomingPain]

I think people don't like the idea because over time, the loss does tend to get easier to deal with. I thought about ctb after a horrible breakup I had a long time ago, but I have had many positive experiences since that breakup that I would've hated to miss out on. It depends how old you are too I guess. Back then, I was younger and knew I would have plenty of time to find someone else. Idk, I'm on the fence about it. On one hand, I understand, but on the other hand, I would really hope for a person struggling with rejection to just give things time before making a decision whether they want to ctb or not. If that person still wants to ctb after a while, then that's understandable. I just think you should maybe give things a bit of time and thought, and see if you still want to ctb. It isn't a decision that should be rushed either.

 

[BPD_LE]

I understand. I don't have anything else to say apart from that I really do understand ❤

 

[Elias]

Y'know people always get so hellbent on telling you they'd miss you a lot if you were to disappear from their life, that you matter a lot and you'd destroy your family and friends by departing early from (their) life.
Well... These people seem to understand that missing someone from your life can send you into a pit of despair, obviously, but they don't extend it to a break up or the end of a friendship. In my opinion it's even worse when the person is still alive but out of your life, cause you're not only missing them but you know deep down that they're out there, and there's the possibility (stupid hope) that you could see them again and relive those moments at any time.
So yeah, it is a pretty huge deal and no one that hasn't lived what you're going through can tell you it is not a reason enough to wish for eternal peace. To live with a tortured mind because you feel like you're missing a part of your identity that vanished when this person left your life is as good a reason as any.
In the end it's all about the freedom from future pain and the eternal (hopefully) peace we're all longing for, whatever the element that triggered that need.

 

[Haku]

I understand pretty well, went through this myself back in 2014, I felt like I had met my soulmate, and long story short, it didnt end well for me, I went on a 5 month wrist cutting bender. After that, killed the emotion of love from myself, well, so I thought. Present time, I run into someone on the forum which is the closest thing to a soulmate for me, and yea, after meeting this person, online ofcourse, but like exchanging pictures and talking for hours on end and what not, I felt like smashing my head into a concrete wall. I didnt think after so many years of feeling numb to the emotions of love, that anyone would trigger that again, oh boy, was I wrong. I see it as the Universe trying to fuck with me one last time before i end up taking my life. And to make things worse, this girl is still in love with an ex, and she sees me as just a friend, and apparently I'm not the only friend. So I feel like theres something there, but also not. It confuses me, especially because of how I feel for this person, out of your handful of friends, why am I the lucky one of the bunch you chose to talk for many hours with, and when I try to keep you at arms length, you try to talk to me constantly. So of I'm just a friend, why the sudden urge to talk to me over them, I just dont get it, it fucks with my mind, especially since apparently she doesnt feel the same way i do about her. And this just makes me want to prematurely ctb. I had no intention of falling for anybody here, I didnt even think it was possible for me anymore. But yea, I can understand how you feel Crushed_Innocence. Sorry for the long reply, this just hits close to home for me

 

[Lilith81]

My wife soon to be ex wife wants a divorce and this has caused me to think about ctb night and day. I thought about it all the time before I met her and then it kind of went away while we were married. But I want to ctb because she left me but also for other reasons such as health reasons..

 

[JSauter]

Meh, this is probably not what you want to hear right now..but I was in a committed relationship for 7 years. She was my world. The perfect person. A gentle, brilliant, radiant soul..but she left me. I thought I'd never get over it, and maybe you don't quite fully get over it, but I have long since moved on. My current dilemma and issues with ctb don't regard anything from that time. Maybe there's a little embitterment when I set aside a moment to think and dwell on it, but nothing that weighs me down in any meaningful way.

 

[not4us]

The truth is that you will get over it with time (it's hard to believe, I know).
But if you don't feel like waiting till that time comes, nobody has a right to blame you for your decision to exit that hell.

 

[Sweet emotion]

You know I love you. I just wish you wouldn't base your self worth on whether a certain person who you said treated you horribly love you. But I know this is something you can get out of your mind and when you can't do that life can be unbearable. You know I'm always here. I don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone on why they want to die.

 

[I’vehadenough]

Well loss and loneliness can cause suicide. It was a guy who left me to my downfall, so I know how horrible they can be

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I literally see nothing wrong with feeling the way you or having that reason. Stories from ancient legends to modern day story telling a filled with tragedies for lost or unrequited love. It's been known for thousands of years! I think there is even a Bible story or two based on it. I completely understand that if you don't have a certain person (or people) that you can be incomplete and never be able to live life to the full. Don't ever apologise or feel shame for your reason. Take solace that we are all here with different pain, nobody has the right to judge you or anyone else. I do hope though that at some point in the day, you can get a peaceful mind from all of those thoughts, when I get mine it is an absolute blessing.

Thank you so much for your words hun.......... I finally am coming to acceptance of this. i have carried the shame of my reason for CTB for so long and I refuse to carry this burden any longer. I have to be honest about what pushed me over the edge.

 

[Rachel74]

My first attempt was after a breakup and my last was when my partner said he couldn't go on anymore with my illness.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I think people don't like the idea because over time, the loss does tend to get easier to deal with. I thought about ctb after a horrible breakup I had a long time ago, but I have had many positive experiences since that breakup that I would've hated to miss out on. It depends how old you are too I guess. Back then, I was younger and knew I would have plenty of time to find someone else. Idk, I'm on the fence about it. On one hand, I understand, but on the other hand, I would really hope for a person struggling with rejection to just give things time before making a decision whether they want to ctb or not. If that person still wants to ctb after a while, then that's understandable. I just think you should maybe give things a bit of time and thought, and see if you still want to ctb. It isn't a decision that should be rushed either.

I agree. If I was 20, then yeah------------ Somebody would need to slap some sense into me. But i'm 40, and even though thats not super old. For ME, it too old to start what I really wanted to have: A full life. A career, partner, kids...... I am BEYOND devastated. And your right, after the aftermath subsided, I felt better and had the chance to move on. But I chose not to. He really was my last and only chance. I could never have all the circumstances and elements line up they way they did. And I always would be searching for him in someone else. I would never accpet anything less than his identical twin. i think its sad that these things happen in the pshyche of some of us human beings- But it does. I have been primed for this since I was born to a pshycopath mother and lived in 25 institutions before I was 18. I never had a chance anyway. I should have ctb way before now. Its been a year. Probably not long enough. Since my first attmept was 3 months after. He was the straw the broke the camels back.... But yes. I agree with your assessment. But I dont see my future as anything but a consolation prize.

My first attempt was after a breakup and my last was when my partner said he couldn't go on anymore with my illness.

Im so sorry to hear that. Must have made you feel like shit. Because we cant control wether or not we have illness. Did things get better? Are not no longer ctb active?

I understand. I don't have anything else to say apart from that I really do understand ❤

Thank you gurl. I know you do. :)

 

[lizinha]

I can relate with you, its a contributing factor to why im going to ctb too sadly.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Y'know people always get so hellbent on telling you they'd miss you a lot if you were to disappear from their life, that you matter a lot and you'd destroy your family and friends by departing early from (their) life.
Well... These people seem to understand that missing someone from your life can send you into a pit of despair, obviously, but they don't extend it to a break up or the end of a friendship. In my opinion it's even worse when the person is still alive but out of your life, cause you're not only missing them but you know deep down that they're out there, and there's the possibility (stupid hope) that you could see them again and relive those moments at any time.
So yeah, it is a pretty huge deal and no one that hasn't lived what you're going through can tell you it is not a reason enough to wish for eternal peace. To live with a tortured mind because you feel like you're missing a part of your identity that vanished when this person left your life is as good a reason as any.
In the end it's all about the freedom from future pain and the eternal (hopefully) peace we're all longing for, whatever the element that triggered that need.

Yes, thank you. It seems like this reason is always seen as false, not good enough---------- I wish it weren't this way, but i refuse to end my life not being 100% about why, because I let shame take me over.

 

[JimFord99]

No, you did not. It came over you and not by your choice. No need to blame yourself. Outside influence, then it creeps on you: life.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I understand pretty well, went through this myself back in 2014, I felt like I had met my soulmate, and long story short, it didnt end well for me, I went on a 5 month wrist cutting bender. After that, killed the emotion of love from myself, well, so I thought. Present time, I run into someone on the forum which is the closest thing to a soulmate for me, and yea, after meeting this person, online ofcourse, but like exchanging pictures and talking for hours on end and what not, I felt like smashing my head into a concrete wall. I didnt think after so many years of feeling numb to the emotions of love, that anyone would trigger that again, oh boy, was I wrong. I see it as the Universe trying to fuck with me one last time before i end up taking my life. And to make things worse, this girl is still in love with an ex, and she sees me as just a friend, and apparently I'm not the only friend. So I feel like theres something there, but also not. It confuses me, especially because of how I feel for this person, out of your handful of friends, why am I the lucky one of the bunch you chose to talk for many hours with, and when I try to keep you at arms length, you try to talk to me constantly. So of I'm just a friend, why the sudden urge to talk to me over them, I just dont get it, it fucks with my mind, especially since apparently she doesnt feel the same way i do about her. And this just makes me want to prematurely ctb. I had no intention of falling for anybody here, I didnt even think it was possible for me anymore. But yea, I can understand how you feel Crushed_Innocence. Sorry for the long reply, this just hits close to home for me

Its all good Haku..... Unfortuanlty your story just confirms why I want to get the fuck out of here. I mean, I KNOW I don't have another round of this shit left in me. If I was to get bonded like that to another person before i ctb and they betray me, I WOULD TAKE BOTH OF OUR ASSES TO THE DAMN GRAVE... I'm so serious. Its better for a girl like me to leave. So, sounds like your heart got caught again. I think ll of this is just biological evolutionary processes that we are victims of in our modernizing enviroment. We can't catch up as quickly and so we are just dying like fireflies. I realize there has to be millions of random casualties just for the species to move forward. We are emotional casualties to forces we cannot control. Sure, we might be able to "make the best of a bad situation" but what kind of life is that? My old religion taught me that the purpose of life isn't to be happy and I bought that shit until my sucide attempt and the trauma boy. I was conditionded to feel like wanting happiness was evil. That brainwashing is still in me and so Im done. But I hope you fond a way to get relief in your redevous.... Relationships with the opposite sex(if your str8) seems to be something that is so twisted and fucked up in our modern world. It truly is a tragedy that something so BASIC to our nature is corrupted... We are the results of that.

 

[justanotherday]

Why is it so damned taboo to announce that one is going to kill themselves over lost love/relationship/rejection/unrequited love?

Out of all the thousands of pop songs and poems written and sung since man began to write, are on the topic of some version of "Baby Id die without you.." Clearly this is some sort of natural human response to the unique agony & angish relational disintergration causes... I just find it amusing. One would think that instead of all.the bullshit ass: "..He's not worth it..." "..Don't give away all your power to someone who doesn't give a shit about you..." Ugh. Why not? Motherfuckers have ctb over this for ages, it might be the #1 reason the bus delivers a soul from heart-torment every 40 fucking seconds. Don't fucking tell me he isn't worth it. OBVIOUSLY if my ass is going to die, in my heart and eyes he was. And is. This is me. This is MY truth. I do not want to live not being with this person. The DSM can diagnose me all day & night. I dont give a fuck. This is nothing rare, special or new. I am nothing more than human for my current condition and reason to leave this hellish place.

Every morning I wake up to another day that I was not chosen as his Queen for WHATEVER REASON, is a empty, worthless day. So fuck all these hypocrites who love to say: "..you should not let anyone define you, validate you...." Why not? I still haven't heard a reason that satisfys me other than being like this attracts abusers. But oh well to that too because my emotional deformity can't be operated on without destroying the entire creature. So I am going to destroy her.

I will not get revenge by living my best life. I will get peace by granting myself the best death. Giving mysrlf the gift of not having to wake up in the morning and not see him there.

Yes. I AM THAT GIRL. This is my truth. I wish I could replace him. I wish it was that easy. But I will die never having had a mutually loving relationship. And Staying for that reason only will increase my torment because I discovered at 40 that I want kids... I never did till I met him. I am ruined. Im not invincible. Another human being certainly can kill me emotionally, just like a mass shooter can take an innocent life, in the blink of an eye...

The dreams came back, the intrusive thoughts... Nothing can fill the lonliness. Stop telling me it can't be filled by another... it most certainly can... but when they leave... I die... Life for me was a boy. That trauma boy from last summer. Is taking to my grave. I go willingly. It feels right to die for this. Im sick of the shame. Im killing myself cause some asshole, amazing, beautiful, sick, fucked up, sexy, boy.... Didn't find me worth it. Im okay with that. Im so.tired and worn out.

I used to really care about being in a relationship too. If it didn't work out,the best medicine for me was to meet someone else. So, what about finding someone new? You sound like a very bright person, and kind. You are still young. Forty is still young. You could find a new guy.But,I feel your pain, I really do.I used to get torn up over things not working out as well. I personally do not want to ever be involved with anyone ever again. I feel such a sense of relief and freedom to not have to be concerned with all the potential bad stuff that can happen in relationships. I am so glad to be free from that stuff.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

No, you did not. It came over you and not by your choice. No need to blame yourself. Outside influence, then it creeps on you: life.

Yes hun..your right and I am finally starting to embrace this truth it is freeing.

 

[JimFord99]

Good. You are more worth than you think you are. Bare this in mind.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Meh, this is probably not what you want to hear right now..but I was in a committed relationship for 7 years. She was my world. The perfect person. A gentle, brilliant, radiant soul..but she left me. I thought I'd never get over it, and maybe you don't quite fully get over it, but I have long since moved on. My current dilemma and issues with ctb don't regard anything from that time. Maybe there's a little embitterment when I set aside a moment to think and dwell on it, but nothing that weighs me down in any meaningful way.

Oh its okay. I know this happens for many. We are all emotionally constituted differently and some of us are able to "take a hit and keep on tickin.." I'm just not built that way. Plus, obviously there are other contributing factors...But I would not be on SS and committed to die if I had not met him last summer. So he was the guy who removed the wrong block out of my Jenga tower.... lol

Good. You are more worth than you think you are. Bare this in mind.

Oh You! I knew you would come to the thread with your delightful empathy...lmao......

You know I love you. I just wish you wouldn't base your self worth on whether a certain person who you said treated you horribly love you. But I know this is something you can get out of your mind and when you can't do that life can be unbearable. You know I'm always here. I don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone on why they want to die.

I love you too sis...... Your heart is pure....... We both wish things weren't this way. For my situation and yours. Ultimately, I feel like it was my fault that he is gone and THAT is what I can't live with. I wish we all could be self-sustaining adults that love-ourselves and all that jazz.... But that was not my lot. My therapists speaks of self acceptance. But I can't accept this...... I want so much more, but will never attain it now. Anything less than my dream is nothing but a worthless consolation prize. And it is this thinking that is the fall of me, but I want what I want and if I can't have it I'm not going to play the game. If that makes me nothing but a big 5 years old, so be it. Not my fault. LOL....... But yes girl, I wish we could all find a way out that wasn't death that would lead to happiness and fulllfullment and meaning. But those things are gone for me now because of severe emotioanl damage.

 

[WelcomingPain]

I agree. If I was 20, then yeah------------ Somebody would need to slap some sense into me. But i'm 40, and even though thats not super old. For ME, it too old to start what I really wanted to have: A full life. A career, partner, kids...... I am BEYOND devastated. And your right, after the aftermath subsided, I felt better and had the chance to move on. But I chose not to. He really was my last and only chance. I could never have all the circumstances and elements line up they way they did. And I always would be searching for him in someone else. I would never accpet anything less than his identical twin. i think its sad that these things happen in the pshyche of some of us human beings- But it does. I have been primed for this since I was born to a pshycopath mother and lived in 25 institutions before I was 18. I never had a chance anyway. I should have ctb way before now. Its been a year. Probably not long enough. Since my first attmept was 3 months after. He was the straw the broke the camels back.... But yes. I agree with your assessment. But I dont see my future as anything but a consolation prize.

I completely understand that. I don't blame you for wanting to ctb. And you're right, 40 is quite the age to try restarting your whole life. I know it's easier to just ctb, but I do hope you find a way to keep pushing forward. If you don't find a way, then I guess all I can wish you is a painless, swift transition to another better life.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I used to really care about being in a relationship too. If it didn't work out,the best medicine for me was to meet someone else. So, what about finding someone new? You sound like a very bright person, and kind. You are still young. Forty is still young. You could find a new guy.But,I feel your pain, I really do.I used to get torn up over things not working out as well. I personally do not want to ever be involved with anyone ever again. I feel such a sense of relief and freedom to not have to be concerned with all the potential bad stuff that can happen in relationships. I am so glad to be free from that stuff.

I envy you my dear. I could never live without that concern because for me it is life itself. I think its just a personal thing. I have no control over feeling like I must be bonded with another in order to be happy in this life. I just ended up this way. As far as finding someone else. I seem to be male-kryptonite. If i had a history of having boyfriends and lovers-- some good some bad-- that would be different. I have never had a guy i like fall in love with me. I have never had a healthy, happy mutal sexual relationship. Im sick of feeling like the disgusting, pathetic unwanted girl. i was obese most of my life 300 pounds and I just lost 140 pounds 2 years ago but ive gained 70 back since my suicde attempt in Jan. MEn don't seem to see anything in me that is awesome, beautiful, sexy, lovely--- just want to screw me ,thrpw me away and run back to the ex that they crawl on thier knees for. Ive never been dated, brought flowers... I ve never been any guys fucking muse and and bitter, angry, resentful and ready to end my life over it. In the end, I looked more beautiful than ever. I thougt I was fun. But i never was enough not confident enought, didnt love myself enough, self esteem wasnt high enough...... Nothing is ever fuking god dmaned enough. I see so many girls out there with dudes and boy freinds-- they are crazy, addicts, mean, and sometimes ugly- they found a soul mate. WTF is so wrong with me.? Well, one could look at all the posts that Ive out on here at SS and rightfully conclude that no gut would want me. Its a long history of being unsucessful with men till I thought I had found the one I was wating for all these years.

The one who woudl make up for everthing, for elementary, jr high, high schoo, college..... no prom , no dates, no movies, no amazing sex..... I wasbliving in all those instutuions while kids my age were going to malls and sports events.... I was black, fat, emotionally vulnerable. I had horrfic things happen to me...I was bullied, physically assaulted by boys (not even sexually, but physically only which as sick as it sounds made it hurt even worse for me) so while I am was watching guys fight over pretty girls.... I was on the sidelines getting tortured.

I was a wreck all my young life-- confused, angry, lonely, unable to create a career or life. Seeking connestion in bars, clubs, interne..but always finding someone who just wanted to use. I dont know why no guy I felt attraction for ever stuck. And Im not staying to figure out why. im not a normal girl. I dont knwo what wrong with me. Every the psycho bunny boilers find a guy that will walk over coals for them. I am fucked up, pathetic, worthless garbadge and it shows by how men have treaged me all my life till I met my husband and forced myself to marry him out of bitterness. I was angry that I forced myself to marry him even though I want to vomit when I kissed him. Because he was the FIRST person to treat me decent. Made me a housewife. But no passion, no chemistry, no sex, nothing in common, no conversation nothing. And I been in it for 9 years till I met trauma boy. Im a mess. The world will be better without girl like me scaveging the world for love. Its so hard to explain. Sorry for this long as rant to your simple comment.

 

[bigj75]

everyone has their own trigger . if a brake up is enough to push someone to ctb that's their trigger. some people only have that one special person that keeps them going in life so it's understandable.

 

[chrijo]

Whoever says that has never had a hard and long lasting breakup. People like you, me and many others here get through this much worse.

For my part - I will never get over it.

 

[justanotherday]

I envy you my dear. I could never live without that concern because for me it is life itself. I think its just a personal thing. I have no control over feeling like I must be bonded with another in order to be happy in this life. I just ended up this way. As far as finding someone else. I seem to be male-kryptonite. If i had a history of having boyfriends and lovers-- some good some bad-- that would be different. I have never had a guy i like fall in love with me. I have never had a healthy, happy mutal sexual relationship. Im sick of feeling like the disgusting, pathetic unwanted girl. i was obese most of my life 300 pounds and I just lost 140 pounds 2 years ago but ive gained 70 back since my suicde attempt in Jan. MEn don't seem to see anything in me that is awesome, beautiful, sexy, lovely--- just want to screw me ,thrpw me away and run back to the ex that they crawl on thier knees for. Ive never been dated, brought flowers... I ve never been any guys fucking muse and and bitter, angry, resentful and ready to end my life over it. In the end, I looked more beautiful than ever. I thougt I was fun. But i never was enough not confident enought, didnt love myself enough, self esteem wasnt high enough...... Nothing is ever fuking god dmaned enough. I see so many girls out there with dudes and boy freinds-- they are crazy, addicts, mean, and sometimes ugly- they found a soul mate. WTF is so wrong with me.? Well, one could look at all the posts that Ive out on here at SS and rightfully conclude that no gut would want me. Its a long history of being unsucessful with men till I thought I had found the one I was wating for all these years.

The one who woudl make up for everthing, for elementary, jr high, high schoo, college..... no prom , no dates, no movies, no amazing sex..... I wasbliving in all those instutuions while kids my age were going to malls and sports events.... I was black, fat, emotionally vulnerable. I had horrfic things happen to me...I was bullied, physically assaulted by boys (not even sexually, but physically only which as sick as it sounds made it hurt even worse for me) so while I am was watching guys fight over pretty girls.... I was on the sidelines getting tortured.

I was a wreck all my young life-- confused, angry, lonely, unable to create a career or life. Seeking connestion in bars, clubs, interne..but always finding someone who just wanted to use. I dont know why no guy I felt attraction for ever stuck. And Im not staying to figure out why. im not a normal girl. I dont knwo what wrong with me. Every the psycho bunny boilers find a guy that will walk over coals for them. I am fucked up, pathetic, worthless garbadge and it shows by how men have treaged me all my life till I met my husband and forced myself to marry him out of bitterness. I was angry that I forced myself to marry him even though I want to vomit when I kissed him. Because he was the FIRST person to treat me decent. Made me a housewife. But no passion, no chemistry, no sex, nothing in common, no conversation nothing. And I been in it for 9 years till I met trauma boy. Im a mess. The world will be better without girl like me scaveging the world for love. Its so hard to explain. Sorry for this long as rant to your simple comment.

Part of what I meant to say was that I used to feel similar ways to how you feel about yourself. I used to feel like " what is wrong with me ", why does everyone else have somebody and I don't, ect..I used to feel that to be in a relationship with someone " special " was the whole world to me too. I am now happy to say I am the opposite of all that now. I changed over time to present day, I don't want anybody. They are not worth the trouble. I just in time, started to see that a lot of marriages and relationships do not last for lots of folks . I think I wrote to you before with the statistic they say... 56 percent of marriages do not work out. I know that to be true in my life personally from people I have known. And just look at a Hollywood stars- couples... they are constantly breaking up, divorcing, cheating on each other, ect.... It is not you.... There is nothing wrong with you. It is just the way the world and people are. There is nothing wrong with you or me.

 

[Miserable]

I totally agree. In my case its not just losing the person who was my world but knowing that it will be near impossible to replace that. If i had love, i would still have some issues, but I'd be happy enough and not want to ctb

 

[justanotherday]

The sad truth is, that the world is a cruel place. It is cruel when it comes to love too.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Part of what I meant to say was that I used to feel similar ways to how you feel about yourself. I used to feel like " what is wrong with me ", why does everyone else have somebody and I don't, ect..I used to feel that to be in a relationship with someone " special " was the whole world to me too. I am now happy to say I am the opposite of all that now. I changed over time to present day, I don't want anybody. They are not worth the trouble. I just in time, started to see that a lot of marriages and relationships do not last for lots of folks . I think I wrote to you before with the statistic they say... 56 percent of marriages do not work out. I know that to be true in my life personally from people I have known. And just look at a Hollywood stars- couples... they are constantly breaking up, divorcing, cheating on each other, ect.... It is not you.... There is nothing wrong with you. It is just the way the world and people are. There is nothing wrong with you or me.

I cant deny the truth of what your saying, your just trying to point out objetive facts. your so sweet. still i could never be happy being alone. And perhaps Im not as bad as I think..... But I still dont want to live here anymore without being bonded to a partner..... :( I loveyour reply tho..i am soooooo glad you found a way out and can be content.

The sad truth is, that the world is a cruel place. It is cruel when it comes to love too.

thank you.this is the cold hard truth and i finally have accepted it. i am not obligated to stay and continue to participate.