I'm done with relationships. Romantic, friendships, the whole 9 yards...

[Water-Lily]

After my ex's response to me hooking with another person post break up, I'm feeling like a filthy person

I feel disgusting and nasty, like I cannot stand looking at my disgusting bitchy self

I've deleted all my posts on instagram

I've blocked my ex and unfollowed a bunch of people

Deleted my discord/instagram/Facebook off my phone (I still can access them on my laptop but I'm avoiding people)

I know its not health to live like this but, I'm tired of my mentally ill/unstable fucking self hurting people

And yeah I do the work

Been hospitalized twice, on meds, getting therapy, etc etc etc

And yet I'm still a fucking bitch

My friends have to put up with my BS all the time

I don't care how they assure they're ok with it

The reality is that I'm a lot to deal with

I'm tired of the cycle

Distancing myself, getting back close, only to feel guilty for getting close and going back into seclusion

its so fucking frustrating

I don't know man I just really feel done

I'm going to be honest with my therapist this Wednesday

Tell her that I understand her approach in holding me accountable for my spirals

Often challenging my thoughts and my behaviors and oucntering with what I can do better

But for our next session I don't want that feedback

I just want to feel shitty and stay shitty

I don't care that it's hurting me, I don't want to do the "work"

I'm done, I'm tired

Is that enough? Is it ok to be tired?

I want to ensure I am still doing the basic self care

From brushing my teeth to cooking meals and being physically active

I haven't let myself go entirely

I'm just not sure how to deal with people and I'm tired of feeling tired...