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DeathSleep
Unstable Potato
- May 25, 2023
- 158
A few days ago was the date I set for myself. I don't know why I I bothered to set a date. I'm not a person who plans well and follows through with plans. I don't even consider it an attempt as I never got that far. One thing I wanted to do was clean things up more so others wouldn't have to deal with it after I'm gone. I've been so depressed and apathetic lately that I've been struggling to get out of bed let alone get the finishing touches done. I think it's SI's way of stopping my plans.
I think I'm afraid to die and afraid of commitment. Turns out I'm a coward. Part of me is always waiting around to see what else can happen out of curiosity I guess.
All I have to do is pull the trigger.
Also, I'm a little concerned about traumatizing my roommate and/or neighbors in the small apartment building I live in. I don't like loud noises and live my life quietly. So, going out with a bang and announcing my end with it is unsettling for me. Also, leaving a mess behind me bothers me a bit. Part of me doesn't care because obviously I'll be dead. It's not something that will really stop me but I don't like thinking about it. I've thought about dying somewhere else but this is the most convenient place that I'm comfortable with. I also don't want the gun falling into the wrong hands after I die. Crime where I live almost guarantees someone will run off with it if I do it outside. I've tried other methods and decided that a gun is the way to go for me.
If I don't set a date though, then when will I do it? I'm going to continue to prepare when I get the motivation so I can be ready.
I'm sick of living for others. They want me to want to live and are happy I'm alive but that's it. They don't have to live my life. They just want me to be alive so that they feel better.
I'm terrified of having to live so much longer. However, I worry I'll won't be able to follow through with the plan anytime soon. I'm just depressed and lack motivation to do anything. Meanwhile I continue to self sabotage my life making things even worse for myself because I don't see the point in doing most things if I'm going to die soon anyways.
I'm also scared that someone will find out I have a gun and try to take it away. It at least makes me feel a little better knowing that I have it and can use it anytime. I've thought about getting another as a backup and hiding it somewhere else. Which is being a little paranoid, I know. Or I could just use the first one before that happens.
I'm tired of living. I can't seem to commit to death though. I've had a couple other attempts with different methods (that obviously failed) but I really thought I was going to die.
What else has to happen before I commit again? I'm sick of living like this. I wish someone would just do it for me. Then I couldn't chicken out a least. I wish for an accidental stray bullet to the head but I live too cautiously for that to actually happen. Better chance of winning the lottery. Although I don't see that happening any time soon either.
I don't really know what the point of this was. I just think I needed to talk about things that I can't talk about anywhere else. I haven't posted since my last "attempt" months ago. Felt like a failure then too. Been wanting to talk to someone for quite awhile now but really don't want to be hospitalized again. I keep saying suicidal things to people. I have to be more careful. They say things like "stop it. Life is beautiful". I've been having trouble keeping it in though. I struggle with masking things anymore.
Anyways thanks for reading.
I think I'm afraid to die and afraid of commitment. Turns out I'm a coward. Part of me is always waiting around to see what else can happen out of curiosity I guess.
All I have to do is pull the trigger.
Also, I'm a little concerned about traumatizing my roommate and/or neighbors in the small apartment building I live in. I don't like loud noises and live my life quietly. So, going out with a bang and announcing my end with it is unsettling for me. Also, leaving a mess behind me bothers me a bit. Part of me doesn't care because obviously I'll be dead. It's not something that will really stop me but I don't like thinking about it. I've thought about dying somewhere else but this is the most convenient place that I'm comfortable with. I also don't want the gun falling into the wrong hands after I die. Crime where I live almost guarantees someone will run off with it if I do it outside. I've tried other methods and decided that a gun is the way to go for me.
If I don't set a date though, then when will I do it? I'm going to continue to prepare when I get the motivation so I can be ready.
I'm sick of living for others. They want me to want to live and are happy I'm alive but that's it. They don't have to live my life. They just want me to be alive so that they feel better.
I'm terrified of having to live so much longer. However, I worry I'll won't be able to follow through with the plan anytime soon. I'm just depressed and lack motivation to do anything. Meanwhile I continue to self sabotage my life making things even worse for myself because I don't see the point in doing most things if I'm going to die soon anyways.
I'm also scared that someone will find out I have a gun and try to take it away. It at least makes me feel a little better knowing that I have it and can use it anytime. I've thought about getting another as a backup and hiding it somewhere else. Which is being a little paranoid, I know. Or I could just use the first one before that happens.
I'm tired of living. I can't seem to commit to death though. I've had a couple other attempts with different methods (that obviously failed) but I really thought I was going to die.
What else has to happen before I commit again? I'm sick of living like this. I wish someone would just do it for me. Then I couldn't chicken out a least. I wish for an accidental stray bullet to the head but I live too cautiously for that to actually happen. Better chance of winning the lottery. Although I don't see that happening any time soon either.
I don't really know what the point of this was. I just think I needed to talk about things that I can't talk about anywhere else. I haven't posted since my last "attempt" months ago. Felt like a failure then too. Been wanting to talk to someone for quite awhile now but really don't want to be hospitalized again. I keep saying suicidal things to people. I have to be more careful. They say things like "stop it. Life is beautiful". I've been having trouble keeping it in though. I struggle with masking things anymore.
Anyways thanks for reading.