Venting I'm conflicted

[levatating.needle]

Part of me wants to CBT but the other doesn't.
I go through insanely aggressive highs and lows, like one day I reach for a way out and the other I am on top of the fucking world.
I don't have the compacity to do anything, "good," with my life because I am so emotionally unstable.
I will be stuck working shitty jobs my whole life because I can't function, "normally," and I am a trans guy.
My country/the world is basically debating my right to exist right now and I don't know if I will be safe regardless.
I want control of how I leave, I don't want another person or a country to dictate when and how it happens.
My biggest regret is failing to CBT in 2021, because since then I have met people like my boyfriend who have made it a lot harder to make this decision. He knows I don't want to live past like 40, so I think he understands that in the future I wont be here. But it is difficult because I don't want to be here now, I don't want to be stuck with shitty jobs, I don't want to be kidnapped/murdered on the streets, I don't want to have constant mood swings, I don't want any of this.
If I do, it wont be for a little bit though. I have things to do before I CBT but once my obligations I've set for myself are done then I will in that scenario.
For now, I don't know what I am going to do.

 

[HighFlight]

@levatating.needle - You've said a lot about what you don't want. What is it that you do want? (and ctb, while a valid want, is kinda a given in this forum.) I would be interested.

And by the way, my 40's were actually not that bad. For me, life was hardest when I hit 50 and ironically, age was actually just a small factor at the time.

 

[levatating.needle]

@levatating.needle - You've said a lot about what you don't want. What is it that you do want? (and ctb, while a valid want, is kinda a given in this forum.) I would be interested.

And by the way, my 40's were actually not that bad. For me, life was hardest when I hit 50 and ironically, age was actually just a small factor at the time.

Ideally, I guess I want something to hold me in place. Something that I have control over. I think that was the main reason I've turned to things like starving myself.
And maybe to learn more and to see more? It's an odd place to be in because on one side I want to see the world and such but on the other I want to leave it? I think one of the things that draws me to the idea of CTB is the idea of, "what happens after you're gone?" It's one of those things that you don't need to be incredibly wealthy or have free time to experience. (I'm sorry if I keep contradicting myself, that's kind of my life at this point to be honest.)

And for the age thing, it really just scares me that one day I wont have the body I once did, it wont be able to handle as much as it does now. Plus many health conditions run in my family + due to my disordered eating I know somewhere down the road I will experience major health issues.

 

[HighFlight]

First, try substituting the word "curious" for "conflicted". My apologies for quoting my therapist here, but as I read through your posts, that was what came to mind. You seem curious about a lot of things including ctb. You want to learn and see more and in that you're curious about what happens after death. Learning is one of my few passions, so I would strongly encourage that. You also seems to want to ensure some level of control over your own life - an anchor to hold on to as the chaos surrounds you. Those can be more difficult to find, but could be a special someone, a pet, a special place you go to collect your thoughts, etc.

I'm sorry you were dealt a bad hand - eating disorders, emotional instability, trans, crappy political environment, etc. (If you feel safe answering - what country are you from? I know in the US, we seem to be slipping backwards by a 100 years.) I think everyone here has their own bad hand their playing with, and sometimes folding is the only option (Sorry for the irrelevant poker metaphor - it's late for us people over 40 - lol.)

ctb is the ultimate expression of freedom and liberty. And you're right, you don't have to be wealthy or have a ton of free time to experience it. Although the guide on this site will show you it's not as simple as you might think - at least to do it peacefully. As a result, I would save this as your last resort, maybe after spending some time learning about it. It's a final solution that cannot be undone - so use that power with care.

Finally, I can't say that I know specifically what you are going though, physically, mentally, or emotionally. But if you ever need someone to talk to, I am willing to talk directly via pm once you have access. (no pressure, no judgement and you can be in control.)

My apologies for the ramblings of an old man. Regardless, I wish that you can find some peace while you navigate your confusion.

 

[Murt]

I just seem to have lows with some ok days. Im a recovering alcoholic going through a divorce from someone I love. I doing want to be here anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really awful feeling trapped in that situation, I could also never wish to reach an old age, the thought of such a thing certainly is so horrible to me. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.