Help I'm back

[Negative-Nancy]

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Welcome back … don't feel bad. If it were easy most of us wouldn't be here.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

They should change the title to Never Ending Misery cuz that's what it feels like being here day after day.

 

[Gregor samsa]

So I left this forum for two weeks, and that's because I really wanted to catch thwee bus, and I had numerous opportunities to do that, being home alone for days, but despite that I just couldn't do it. I felt ashamed of myself for not being able to keep my word and I decided to not post on the forum ever again to not be insulted or criticized, but seeing that I'm probably going to stay trapped here (earth, physical universe, or just existence itself if this is all there is. I'm kinda losing my faith in new age/gnosticism spirituality, though I want it so bad to be true. A lucid dream like afterlife would be amazing) for months, two years at best, and I have really nothing to do (no social life) I'm taking the risk of being called an attention whore (and you have all the right to accuse me of being one, after my infinite goodbye posts and failed "attempts", when in fact I only had one real attempt and thousands of aborts due to my lack of courage). I would tie the rope to my room wardrobe door (it has a metallic object that connects it to the wardrobe), and I would just stare at it for hours because of this subconscious mechanism that would send impulses to stop me. This feeling of intense fear and anxiety triggered just by the simple thought of knowing that tomorrow in X hours I'll have to die. I can't do it. It's stronger than me. Killing yourself it's not as easy as saying: well I guess I'm going to die now, goodbye guys. It needs time, hard work and strategies apparently. Unless you have a cyanide pill, in that case it's really as easy as pressing a quit button. The older members would remember my first failed attempt, but the truth is back then I didn't want to die either, but I enjoyed the feeling of being asphyxiated and I just played with it thinking I could turn back just to faint instead and goddamn it, it didn't even kill me. It would have been perfect, just dying without even realizing it. And I think that's the only way I'll ever be able to make this happen, because doing it while being conscious is out of of the table. Consciousness is a curse. I considered going to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed with social anxiety disorder so I can get my hands on Benzodiazepines, (I hope he doesn't suggest me therapy instead) which I might use for other purposes hehehe, combined with 40% Alcohol from my vodka. Yeah that would be great, another thing I could do to motivate me would be to sign my death warrant by overdosing on aspirin. Of course I'm not an idiot I know overdoses rarely kill, at best they put you in a hospital. The whole point would be to scare myself that If I don't hang myself, I'll have to deal with unbearable pain in the aftermath. Other advices to overcome survival instinct? Can you for example go to a doctor and fake having insomnia to get a prescription for sleeping pills? Oh by the way it was fun reading your speculations about my death. Yeah don't do that again, I don't like it.

 

[Gregor samsa]

So I left this forum for two weeks, and that's because I really wanted to catch the bus, and I had numerous opportunities to do that, being home alone for days, but despite that I just couldn't do it. I felt ashamed of myself for not being able to keep my word and I decided to not post on the forum ever again to not be insulted or criticized, but seeing that I'm probably going to stay trapped here (earth, physical universe, or just existence itself if this is all there is. I'm kinda losing my faith in new age/gnosticism spirituality, though I want it so bad to be true. A lucid dream like afterlife would be amazing) for months, two years at best, and I have really nothing to do (no social life) I'm taking the risk of being called an attention whore (and you have all the right to accuse me of being one, after my infinite goodbye posts and failed "attempts", when in fact I only had one real attempt and thousands of aborts due to my lack of courage). I would tie the rope to my room wardrobe door (it has a metallic object that connects it to the wardrobe), and I would just stare at it for hours because of this subconscious mechanism that would send impulses to stop me. This feeling of intense fear and anxiety triggered just by the simple thought of knowing that tomorrow in X hours I'll have to die. I can't do it. It's stronger than me. Killing yourself it's not as easy as saying: well I guess I'm going to die now, goodbye guys. It needs time, hard work and strategies apparently. Unless you have a cyanide pill, in that case it's really as easy as pressing a quit button. The older members would remember my first failed attempt, but the truth is back then I didn't want to die either, but I enjoyed the feeling of being asphyxiated and I just played with it thinking I could turn back just to faint instead and goddamn it, it didn't even kill me. It would have been perfect, just dying without even realizing it. And I think that's the only way I'll ever be able to make this happen, because doing it while being conscious is out of of the table. Consciousness is a curse. I considered going to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed with social anxiety disorder so I can get my hands on Benzodiazepines, (I hope he doesn't suggest me therapy instead) which I might use for other purposes hehehe, combined with 40% Alcohol from my vodka. Yeah that would be great, another thing I could do to motivate me would be to sign my death warrant by overdosing on aspirin. Of course I'm not an idiot I know overdoses rarely kill, at best they put you in a hospital. The whole point would be to scare myself that If I don't hang myself, I'll have to deal with unbearable pain in the aftermath. Other advices to overcome survival instinct? Can you for example go to a doctor and fake having insomnia to get a prescription for sleeping pills? Oh by the way it was fun reading your speculations about my death. Yeah don't do that again, I don't like it.

Welcome back no life found ur posts to be informative and interesting

 

[Miss clefable]

Hey welcome back

 

[sky7]

Welcome back. That survival instinct is near impossible to get over. Can definitely empathize with you there.

 

[MEoDP]

We never spoke until now,but welcome back. On the bright side,at least you didn't accidentally turn yourself into a vegetable from your failed attempts. I'd highly advice against your idea of taking aspirin or whatever else to prevent yourself from backing out. that could end very,very badly. Look for an alternative method that feels more comfortable for you is what I'd suggest.

The truth is I'm not as desperate as many members here are. I'm just bored and tired of living that's all. I don't suffer from terminal cancer or chronic physical pain. My choice for self termination is mostly philosophical. I think the only ones here who are really fit to do it are the ones who are forced to do it.

In that case,may I make an unsolicited suggestion and recommend you take up Lucid Dreaming? It should give you something very fun to look forward to,a goal to strive for. I'd recommend you explore and try out all kinds of other hobbies as well,but I think lucid dreaming would be a good start in your position.

Just PM me your email address,and I'll send you a free e-book to help you get started. (Other members,you're also free to request the same. The forum has the option to send attached files,but the last time I used it to send a PDF/reading material,it failed. so I'll need your email addresses to send the e-book)

 

[suffering]

I'm 99% sure I'll never be able to do it. Whatever you do, my advice is: try not to burn *all* the bridges. Keep learning/trying/working etc as if you are going to live till old age. You're 18, make sure you get to a good uni, learn a skill, read books, get summer jobs, internships etc... Basically make sure that in case you end up like me (a coward) you don't have to deal with a situation in which you are screwed because you burned bridges thinking "meh I'll ctb anyway", because you may actually not. Life is particularly hard for people like you (smart, deep thinkers) because you won't be able to put up with situations which other people consider fine(for instance, some 9 to 5 surrounded by idiots). So you will need financial freedom. Also take good care of yourself physically - you will need the health plus the benefits it can give you in terms of finding a partner that can help you cope with life, in case you decided it's better to do so. But while attractiveness is optional, health is crucial. I procrastinated a lot thinking and planning my suicide and now I have to put myself back up after my survival instinct stopped me from my desired escape. I look like shit, I feel like shit and my financial status is bad. I have to fix all these. I may not win the suicide quest, but I try to take comfort in being an antinatalist. It's my only victory. I try to tell myself that is enough. Take good care of yourself, buddy.

 

[bigj75]

A gun is probably one of the hardest methods to do since you know if you pull the trigger, you'll either die or change your life forever.

Yes. That's why for me it's such a difficult method. Failure will result in even more hell .

 

[windingdown]

Apart from N, there is no really good method, IMO. So no need to feel bad that you haven't been able to (with any method, really). It's all so scary - the violence and uncertainty. I woke up this morning imagining what it will/would be like to wake up, take anti-emetics, and then prepare my poison solution and drink it. It seemed so improbable, like I could never take the step of drinking it. And maybe I won't, and I will just suffer, variably, for the next 6 decades (I'm 31). It is a dreadful feeling, as it is, waking up every morning being a suicidal person. It hurts in itself that life is so tragic.

Anyway, while I think I have a number of good qualities, there's no question that the turn my life has taken (mental illness and suicidality) has made me an even more non-judgmental, compassionate person than I was before. Being human can be very hard, and is a walk in the park for almost no one; and there's nothing wrong with being afraid.

Something that frightens me about failing is that the poison I take could make my hair fall out, in theory, and then I would have to live as a balding person (my hair has already gotten thin this year).

My preferred outcome would be to get into my own apartment (I am on disability, so this could take years) and stop eating and drinking, without anyone (family) intercepting me. This would be the least violent, and most certain course of action. It would beat getting old.

 

[windingdown]

I'm 99% sure I'll never be able to do it. Whatever you do, my advice is: try not to burn *all* the bridges. Keep learning/trying/working etc as if you are going to live till old age. You're 18, make sure you get to a good uni, learn a skill, read books, get summer jobs, internships etc... Basically make sure that in case you end up like me (a coward) you don't have to deal with a situation in which you are screwed because you burned bridges thinking "meh I'll ctb anyway", because you may actually not. Life is particularly hard for people like you (smart, deep thinkers) because you won't be able to put up with situations which other people consider fine(for instance, some 9 to 5 surrounded by idiots). So you will need financial freedom. Also take good care of yourself physically - you will need the health plus the benefits it can give you in terms of finding a partner that can help you cope with life, in case you decided it's better to do so. But while attractiveness is optional, health is crucial. I procrastinated a lot thinking and planning my suicide and now I have to put myself back up after my survival instinct stopped me from my desired escape. I look like shit, I feel like shit and my financial status is bad. I have to fix all these. I may not win the suicide quest, but I try to take comfort in being an antinatalist. It's my only victory. I try to tell myself that is enough. Take good care of yourself, buddy.

I so agree with you! It's good to keep doing everything 'right', as much as possible, as long as you're alive. Even if you think you will ctb tomorrow - do something good for your future today. At least eat right, go on a walk.

I am looking into subsidized housing for people with disabilities, even though the waiting lists are very long, and I can't imagine being here long enough. But perhaps 4 years will pass, and I will still be here, and I'll be relatively delighted that I have my own house again, after my life fell apart from mental illness. Suffering, sure, because existence is suffering for me; but better than living with others.

 

[MEoDP]

Yes. That's why for me it's such a difficult method. Failure will result in even more hell .

Lostallhope lists shotgun to the head as the most effective and guaranteed method,but the chances of failure are still there...and if it fails to kill you...a fate worse than death.

EDIT: that's why if you're doing it the "firearms way" be sure to get a shotgun or something more powerful to do yourself in. A pistol may not be enough and risks you being "saved" by someone.

 

[bigj75]

Lostallhope lists shotgun to the head as the most effective and guaranteed method,but the chances of failure are still there...and if it fails to kill you...a fate worse than death.

any suicide method risks failure. That's why I feel suicide should be legal so it can be done under supervision so death is guaranteed if anything goes wrong.

 

[MEoDP]

any suicide method risks failure. That's why I feel suicide should be legal so it can be done under supervision so death is guaranteed if anything goes wrong.

We all agree on that. The world needs to take the right to die seriously,but some methods will result in far worse consequences than others if not taken to completion. If you survive a heroin OD,you might still have an OK life afterwards,but you'll never be the same with half your face blown off by a shotgun.

 

[bigj75]

We all agree on that. The world needs to take the right to die seriously,but some methods will result in far worse consequences than others if not taken to completion. If you survive a heroin OD,you might still have an OK life afterwards,but you'll never be the same with half your face blown off by a shotgun.

Exactly. I was thinking of a heroin od. But don't know how to obtain it.

 

[MEoDP]

Exactly. I was thinking of a heroin od. But don't know how to obtain it.

The Deep/Dark web might be your best bet,but I couldn't teach you how to navigate it as I myself am relatively very inexperienced with its use.

https://darkwebnews.com/login/
Cautistic gave me this guide.

There's also a reddit sub for deep web/dark net markets. you can search it yourself,but its recommended you use this search engine if you seriously intend to go about this:
https://duckduckgo.com/
(We know google isn't exactly best at respecting our privacy,even though we commonly use it)

 

[suffering]

Suffering, sure, because existence is suffering for me; but better than living with others.

Absolutely! Existence is suffering for me too, all the money in the world couldn't fix this. But between being ill and poor and living a life which allows me some degree of freedom, health and even distractions, the choice is obvious and worth the effort.
After staring the existential dread for too long in the eyes, I feel like I am betraying someone when I don't think of it and of the horrors of the world. But I have to reconstruct (to a certain degree) a set of illusions which involve mental isolation(avoiding thinking about the suffering of the world), a certain thirst for money and power, distractions (movies, games, etc) and intellectual curiosity. They're coping mechanisms, I know. But if I can't do the rational thing, I'll do this.