I'm back to Planning

[ixkitty]

I have tried to look on the bright side for far too long. I'm so tired of trying different things and trying to live for people who are ungrateful for my struggles. I'm so exhausted from the daily fight of getting out of bed, trying (and mostly failing) to clean my residence, and not being able to do the things that can make me even slightly happy. I dislike the fact that I feel the need to depend on someone for anything: can't start a hobby, can't exercise, can't just go hiking without someone to go with me consistently. I am so frustrated at my inability to accept my life and make it better for myself. I am tired of the medication rotation... every 12 to 16 months I'm looking for another medication to try to find some stability mentally. I'm tired of researching which method I haven't tried... (I don't know why but I have issues trying to redo a method I've already tried and failed with... ) Now I'm a little more financially stable enough to do whatever I need to do this.

This time I'm spending the money to do the inert gas method. I have to make sure I time it perfectly because my current employer will send police officers to do a safety check if I don't appear for work. I'd much prefer they find me over a family member. I wish I could have my place cleaned so I can be found in not a trailer trash dump but I can't do this alone. I have the list of ingredients and as soon as I can secure a time (I try to plan meticulously) before each attempt.

I'd like to do this before 2024 is out. Give me time to make memories with those I care about one more time. I am terrible at taking pictures of myself and I'd like to give them something to look back on.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering in this existence, I wish you the best in your plans, I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for.