Story I'm back - SN overdose 3 month update.

[Lastsauce]

I have very severe anxiety and fear of death/existentialism.

I don't fear death itself at all but the whole consept of eternal nonexistence and oblivion is scary.

 

[Defenestrator]

Yep UK, no follow up. HDU for two days, mental health crisis team turned up 42 hours after I arrived in the hospital, got a doctors appointment told I didnt look ill enough and shouldn't be depressed because I was stereotypically attractive , thrown on anti depressants and not given the option for therapy.

Quite used to being dismissed now.

Wow, I'm surprised - your attractiveness shouldn't have anything to do with whether or not you want to die. I mean, there are loads of attractive people who've died by suicide? That's besides the point though - I can't believe that you've not been put under the community mental health team at least?

 

[bpdandme]

Wow, I'm surprised - your attractiveness shouldn't have anything to do with whether or not you want to die. I mean, there are loads of attractive people who've died by suicide? That's besides the point though - I can't believe that you've not been put under the community mental health team at least?

I know, it really upset me when the doctor diminished my suffering to appearance. I already feel misunderstood as it is, sometimes it makes me more determine to die to prove a point. Nope, nothing. The crisis team were unprofessional and so were the doctors both at the GP and the hospital. I was not taken seriously at all. I've been told personality disorders aren't real, have not been offered any sort of therapy and dismissed as soon as possible.

I hate when people are worried about me though and Im really good at pretending that I'm fine so it might have been that as well. Either way, I made a serious suicide attempt and it should have been taken seriously.

Did you feel any discomfort or suffocating feelings? I mean i could take level 7 out of 10 pain in order to have freedom from pain forever that death will bring., but it's the 9/10 , 10/10 pain or suffocating as in drowning i haven't come to terms with yet and still fear

It's really hard to place the experience on one aspect because there was a lot going on at once, I'm not sure how to explain it.

Panic 10/10
Physical pain 5.5/10
Nausea 8/10
Sickness 3/10
Uncomfortableness 7/10

 

[brokerofsecrets]

I know, it really upset me when the doctor diminished my suffering to appearance. I already feel misunderstood as it is, sometimes it makes me more determine to die to prove a point. Nope, nothing. The crisis team were unprofessional and so were the doctors both at the GP and the hospital. I was not taken seriously at all. I've been told personality disorders aren't real, have not been offered any sort of therapy and dismissed as soon as possible.

I hate when people are worried about me though and Im really good at pretending that I'm fine so it might have been that as well. Either way, I made a serious suicide attempt and it should have been taken seriously.

After one of my many attempts at suicide I was placed under a section 136 and taken to the most local mental health hospital, where I was placed in one of the temporary holding wards named "APOS" for A Place Of Safety, promptly assessed and then told I'm fine and was sent home. The care in the UK is absolutely piss poor lmao.

 

[bpdandme]

After one of my many attempts at suicide I was placed under a section 136 and taken to the most local mental health hospital, where I was placed in one of the temporary holding wards named "APOS" for A Place Of Safety, promptly assessed and then told I'm fine and was sent home. The care in the UK is absolutely piss poor lmao.

It truly is. I hope when I ctb that it acts as a statement. There is not enough funding or research into this. Even when I started self harming and saw cahms at age 13, instead of saying self harm they would act out slicing their wrist. We need more understanding and funding, desperately.

I genuinely don't think many people care and just pretend to.
Thank you for all the nice messages everyone, it's nice to be back with such supportive and caring people.

 

[Lastsauce]

thrown on anti depressants and not given the option for therapy.

My sister lives in the UK and her daughter was diagnosed with severe depression last year.
It took several weeks to even get properly registered on the waiting list for therapy and the wait time was in the 8+ months.
Sucks.

 

[bpdandme]

My sister lives in the UK and her daughter was diagnosed with severe depression last year.
It took several weeks to even get properly registered on the waiting list for therapy and the wait time was in the 8+ months.
Sucks.

I'm so sorry that is unacceptable really isn't it. I hope she is doing better now! When I was at uni, I was on the waiting list for the whole time I was at university (4 years) - no support at all, especially when you reach 18 +.

 

[SpaceForGrace]

Hi @bpdandme. Thank you so much for your willingness to share your experience. I am glad you overcame the ordeal and hope you are stronger for having survived that.

I hope you don't mind a question - just want to clarify, aside from the fasting, you just took pure SN and nothing else?

Thanks and wishing you all the best!

 

[afabulous40]

Good Lord - a year ago I took a straight razor and severed my radial artery. The ONLY reason I called 911 was because I am so OCD I worried about who was going to clean up the mess I'd leave behind. Tomorrow 2-5-20 is the one year anniversary. I have a stockpile of painkillers and a 100gm bottle of SN. This might be the last post from me you'll ever see. If you're not serious about going then bravo to you - LIVE. Enjoy your life! Do all the things you want to do! Eat (I have an eating disorder), make friends, travel, and do whatever else you've been putting off. I'm done. There's not much left for me here. I've been hospitalized three times and each time I relapse. I'm addicted to laxatives and vodka. I don't have hope for the future. But, if you do then LIVE!

 

[Terminally ill]

Thank you for sharing your experience as it helps others that want to go the same road.Can Iask how come you only took 3 sips of SN and not take the whole drink as a shot? Only 3 sips means you had a minimal amount of SN in your system, that is why you had not vomited I believe.

 

[S1mpleme]

I would say I'm glad you're back, but you seem unhappy at all, so I would be glad you had happy life than this shit. Thanks for your experience. Did you lose consciousness? How long you've been in hospital?

 

[Lotus1818]

Thaks for updating us again. I remember your threads about this experience. I'm sorry you are back here

 

[Soul]

@bpdandme, thank you for coming back and for sharing your experience. Please feel very appreciated - you're being very educational.

To people who are afraid of being tripped up by anxiety/fear: Have you tried self-hypnosis to change the "programming" that's causing your panic reactions? This sounds a bit kooky, I know, but I read recently about people "rebranding" anxiety as excitement or anticipation. May be worth a try (along with a sedative or two).

 

[Amossoma543]

@bpdandme, thank you for coming back and for sharing your experience. Please feel very appreciated - you're being very educational.

To people who are afraid of being tripped up by anxiety/fear: Have you tried self-hypnosis to change the "programming" that's causing your panic reactions? This sounds a bit kooky, I know, but I read recently about people "rebranding" anxiety as excitement or anticipation. May be worth a try (along with a sedative or two).

Yes, this is a good idea. I actually did this for my horrifyingly bad wasp phobia. I did a self-guided hypnosis and I didn't even know that it worked until I actually went outside the next day and my phobia was more than cut in half. It broke the severe phobia. I had no idea hypnosis could be effective. Much less self-guided. I think I will do this. I feel less fearful today. Yesterday was horrible after I read that initial post. I think now I'm growing accustomed to the idea again. I cannot fail. I really cannot. And I can't stick around. This is not a sob story or a pity party. It's just the literal truth. People die every day, every minute, practically ever second. It's not that big of a deal. We just make it a big deal because of fear of the unknown. But even as I just typed that last sentence, many people passed away, some of them by suicide, I'm sure. I need to just face the reality...and then do it.

 

[asifkhanny12345]

Wow

 

[bpdandme]

Hi @bpdandme. Thank you so much for your willingness to share your experience. I am glad you overcame the ordeal and hope you are stronger for having survived that.

I hope you don't mind a question - just want to clarify, aside from the fasting, you just took pure SN and nothing else?

Thanks and wishing you all the best!

Thank you so much. Sure, I only fasted then had the SN mixed with water with no anti-emetics or regimen. I think everyones reaction will be different, I was quite underweight at the time so think it affected me a lot.

I would say I'm glad you're back, but you seem unhappy at all, so I would be glad you had happy life than this shit. Thanks for your experience. Did you lose consciousness? How long you've been in hospital?

Haha - thank you. I am unhappy, these meds are not working and I didn't leave the hospital with any support. I did not lose consciousness but I felt very light-headed and felt as if I was going to pass out, but I was convinced if I passed out I would die so I was trying so hard to stay awake. I was in hospital for 2 days and one night then discharged after seeing a "crisis" team.

Thaks for updating us again. I remember your threads about this experience. I'm sorry you are back here

Thank you!

Thank you for sharing your experience as it helps others that want to go the same road.Can Iask how come you only took 3 sips of SN and not take the whole drink as a shot? Only 3 sips means you had a minimal amount of SN in your system, that is why you had not vomited I believe.

I think I was apprehensive and knew if I took the whole thing I was dead. I just kept hyping myself up to take more and remind myself why I was drinking it. Because of the taste I could only do it in mouthfuls rather than downing the whole thing. When it tastes that gross and you know you're going to die, it's scary to take the whole thing. I kept trying to push myself to take more. I got to three mouthfuls and started to feel bad, then panic set in and I shouted for help. I know it sounds like I am not ready to die but I really do want to, dying is just hard!

The measurement I had out wasn't a shot size, I'd say it was about 5 shots. If I had a couple more sips I would have finished it all. I agree that's why I did not vomit but it also goes to show how strong SN can be!

Good Lord - a year ago I took a straight razor and severed my radial artery. The ONLY reason I called 911 was because I am so OCD I worried about who was going to clean up the mess I'd leave behind. Tomorrow 2-5-20 is the one year anniversary. I have a stockpile of painkillers and a 100gm bottle of SN. This might be the last post from me you'll ever see. If you're not serious about going then bravo to you - LIVE. Enjoy your life! Do all the things you want to do! Eat (I have an eating disorder), make friends, travel, and do whatever else you've been putting off. I'm done. There's not much left for me here. I've been hospitalized three times and each time I relapse. I'm addicted to laxatives and vodka. I don't have hope for the future. But, if you do then LIVE!

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I really want to die but because of my BPD, sometimes I am completely suicidal but my mood can switch. So I'm constantly living with the mess I made from either being depressed or manic. I don't have hope for the future, I just have a fear of death. I've attempted a few times before and failed, I wish I wasn't still here. I think my brain self sabotages me and enjoys the mess that it lays out then won't let me go through will killing myself. Thank you for your words.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Thank you for sharing your story. That's horrible that you were dismissed by the docs. How are people that want to get help suppose to get help with those attitudes from the docs there? And I thought the US was bad with dealing with mental health.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I was previously on this site as BPDME - I wasn't the most talkative or active but I remember most members (a lot of the old members have been crossed out now, which is bittersweet - I hope they have all found peace).

I took SN and overdosed in November. I did not take any anti emetics, only fasted for about 12 hours. It's so scary wanting to take your own life, I have a massive fear of death and I was scared that I knew I could go through with it. I was scared because I knew I was going to do it.

SN tastes AWFUL to me, salty beyond sea water. I'm not fussy and can drink spirits straight with no issues but SN is gross!! I only had about 3 sips of the solution (following Stan's regimen). In about 10 minutes my heart rate was through the roof. I was already anxious about CTB and tried to not shout for help. I felt light headed, sick, nervous and went scarily pale. When the ambulance came it was blue lights, my heart rate was 190, I had to be put on 100% oxygen because my oxygen levels were very very low (I think 65%), I turned blue and my blood was dark brown when I saw them take my blood. A paramedic told me I was going to make it and if I wanted them to tell my mum. I was put in HDU, had to drink charcoal, stay on oxygen, be on a drip and take methanyl blue through an IV.

SN is very dangerous even in small doses. It is not painful, but very very scary. I did not feel like I was dying.

I regret that I didn't go through with it, hence why I'm back. I feel like I'm meant to kill myself. I can't believe I was so close but asked for help. I hope I can go through with it for real soon.

Thank you for sharing your information! Welcome back as well. I'm also afraid of my SI kicking in and making myself call for help. But I hope you find peace soon!

 

[ladolcemorte]

"when I went to the doctors I got dismissed as usual because I don't "look" depressed - my male doctor said to me "you're good looking and have a nice figure, what do you have to be depressed about? come back in six months if you're still feeling bad." I'm so tired of being dismissed"
[/QUOTE]

Wow. What is this, the 1950s where any woman who has any issue is blindly diagnosed as a female hysteric???? You should report this Dr to whatever administrative body regulates Drs wherever you are. (In Canada it would be the college of physicians and surgeons, but not sure what it would be called in other places, but surely there is some equivalent.)

I can relate to being dismissed. It makes me so mad because mental health is a hot PR topic and there are all these public interest campaigns urging people to "reach out", but no one is making sure that the people who do so are treated effectively.

I finally had an experience with a Dr who took me seriously, but it took several different tries to find him. I have had so many experiences of being dismissed.

I had an ER doc actually YELL at me, saying I was making a bid for attention, acting like a "time bomb" about to go off and deliberately trying to worry those around me. I have also had a past BPD diagnosis (I now have other diagnoses too) and that is a highly stigmatized diagnosis even within the mental health profession. (Likely because the pharmaceutical industry has yet to find a pill for it, and Drs like to dispense the pharmaceuticals...)

I have had many doctors dismiss me, saying I "just have trouble with difficult emotions" and that I just need to try harder and "use the skills".

Just to give you an idea of how stark the dichotomy between Drs can be:

After a serious suicide attempt, the first Dr said it was just "situational stress" and I just needed a few nights in the hospital and some time off work. By this point I had had a positive experience with a Dr at a different hospital and I asked to be transferred to his care. He accepted the transfer and you know what he did? A series of diagnostic tests and trials of various treatments to make sure they had something that would work. He kept me in the hospital for 4 months in order to do all of this, and while the psych ward is not my favourite place to be, at least I had a Dr who was taking me seriously and throwing all the resources he had at his disposal to help make me well. Ultimately they concluded that I had a combination of diagnoses and they tailored a treatment regimen for me.

Just let that sink in: a dismissive "it's just stress" versus a hospitalization replete with testing to get to the bottom of the issue and a concrete treatment plan.

I really wish I had found this Dr earlier. My advice from my experience: you really have to advocate for yourself in the healthcare system. Do not be afraid to demand a different Dr and to keep coming back until the issue is resolved. Advocating for yourself is hard when you don't feel well, but I think it is the only way you can get good help.

I really wish I had had the courage to advocate for myself when I was younger. If I had found the right diagnosis/treatment plan 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago, I don't think I would be in the mess I am in.

 

[purplemoon]

I was previously on this site as BPDME - I wasn't the most talkative or active but I remember most members (a lot of the old members have been crossed out now, which is bittersweet - I hope they have all found peace).

I took SN and overdosed in November. I did not take any anti emetics, only fasted for about 12 hours. It's so scary wanting to take your own life, I have a massive fear of death and I was scared that I knew I could go through with it. I was scared because I knew I was going to do it.

SN tastes AWFUL to me, salty beyond sea water. I'm not fussy and can drink spirits straight with no issues but SN is gross!! I only had about 3 sips of the solution (following Stan's regimen). In about 10 minutes my heart rate was through the roof. I was already anxious about CTB and tried to not shout for help. I felt light headed, sick, nervous and went scarily pale. When the ambulance came it was blue lights, my heart rate was 190, I had to be put on 100% oxygen because my oxygen levels were very very low (I think 65%), I turned blue and my blood was dark brown when I saw them take my blood. A paramedic told me I was going to make it and if I wanted them to tell my mum. I was put in HDU, had to drink charcoal, stay on oxygen, be on a drip and take methanyl blue through an IV.

SN is very dangerous even in small doses. It is not painful, but very very scary. I did not feel like I was dying.

I regret that I didn't go through with it, hence why I'm back. I feel like I'm meant to kill myself. I can't believe I was so close but asked for help. I hope I can go through with it for real soon.

That's incredible...Thank you so much for sharing with all of us.

Do you have any lasting or residual side effects? Or do you feel / look basically the same way you were before you tried SN?

 

[JSauter]

"when I went to the doctors I got dismissed as usual because I don't "look" depressed - my male doctor said to me "you're good looking and have a nice figure, what do you have to be depressed about? come back in six months if you're still feeling bad." I'm so tired of being dismissed"

Wow. What is this, the 1950s where any woman who has any issue is blindly diagnosed as a female hysteric???? You should report this Dr to whatever administrative body regulates Drs wherever you are. (In Canada it would be the college of physicians and surgeons, but not sure what it would be called in other places, but surely there is some equivalent.)

I can relate to being dismissed. It makes me so mad because mental health is a hot PR topic and there are all these public interest campaigns urging people to "reach out", but no one is making sure that the people who do so are treated effectively.

I finally had an experience with a Dr who took me seriously, but it took several different tries to find him. I have had so many experiences of being dismissed.

I had an ER doc actually YELL at me, saying I was making a bid for attention, acting like a "time bomb" about to go off and deliberately trying to worry those around me. I have also had a past BPD diagnosis (I now have other diagnoses too) and that is a highly stigmatized diagnosis even within the mental health profession. (Likely because the pharmaceutical industry has yet to find a pill for it, and Drs like to dispense the pharmaceuticals...)

I have had many doctors dismiss me, saying I "just have trouble with difficult emotions" and that I just need to try harder and "use the skills".

Just to give you an idea of how stark the dichotomy between Drs can be:

After a serious suicide attempt, the first Dr said it was just "situational stress" and I just needed a few nights in the hospital and some time off work. By this point I had had a positive experience with a Dr at a different hospital and I asked to be transferred to his care. He accepted the transfer and you know what he did? A series of diagnostic tests and trials of various treatments to make sure they had something that would work. He kept me in the hospital for 4 months in order to do all of this, and while the psych ward is not my favourite place to be, at least I had a Dr who was taking me seriously and throwing all the resources he had at his disposal to help make me well. Ultimately they concluded that I had a combination of diagnoses and they tailored a treatment regimen for me.

Just let that sink in: a dismissive "it's just stress" versus a hospitalization replete with testing to get to the bottom of the issue and a concrete treatment plan.

I really wish I had found this Dr earlier. My advice from my experience: you really have to advocate for yourself in the healthcare system. Do not be afraid to demand a different Dr and to keep coming back until the issue is resolved. Advocating for yourself is hard when you don't feel well, but I think it is the only way you can get good help.

I really wish I had had the courage to advocate for myself when I was younger. If I had found the right diagnosis/treatment plan 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago, I don't think I would be in the mess I am in.

Unless you're rich/hit the jackpot with some gold star insurance at a high paying job, Americans don't have the luxury of staying at a hospital for 4 months having a battery of tests done without incurring serious financial strain.

 

[catpissmartini]

I am so grateful you posted this. I feel traumatized by this poster's account. I am sure I want to go...but I am terrified of BEING terrified, and reading many of the posts I've read today...is making me terrified, making me feel trapped, making me feel like I have no way out, because if it was so bad for this person, perhaps I will also become terrified at the moment I decide and then my life would be far, far worse than what it is. My anxiety now is way up and I feel like I'm trapped and don't have an escape route.

My SN is right there on the dresser...and I've been planning for the day...and now I'm just so scared. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of being SCARED. I've been afraid my whole life, and now I feel like I can't even end my life.

FUCK I wish there was just a simple, terror-free way of just injecting heroin or something so that I could drift away. I'm so weary of being anxious and afraid. I shouldn't be reading these horror stories about it, I suppose. But then on the other hand, my inner voice tells me that I have to at least look at it realistically.

Sigh...

Ouch. This, this and this. You practically read my mind as I was scrolling this thread. :(

 

[Amossoma543]

Ouch. This, this and this. You practically read my mind as I was scrolling this thread. :(

Thank you so much...it feels nice to be understood. I feel much better after a day or two of reading more and also realizing that billions of people have already passed away...it's not a new experience, people do it every minute...really, there shouldn't be too much to be afraid of...but it's also okay for me to realize that being anxious is OKAY. That doesn't mean I will fail. I am determined. I will NOT feel trapped!

 

[ladolcemorte]

Unless you're rich/hit the jackpot with some gold star insurance at a high paying job, Americans don't have the luxury of staying at a hospital for 4 months having a battery of tests done without incurring serious financial strain.
[/QUOTE]

Ah. Sorry. I forgot about what a privilege it is to have universal healthcare. Didn't mean to rub it in.

 

[catpissmartini]

Thank you so much...it feels nice to be understood. I feel much better after a day or two of reading more and also realizing that billions of people have already passed away...it's not a new experience, people do it every minute...really, there shouldn't be too much to be afraid of...but it's also okay for me to realize that being anxious is OKAY. That doesn't mean I will fail. I am determined. I will NOT feel trapped!

Please, be easy on yourself. It's okay to reconsider. I don't know the nature of your pain - if its permanent or circumstantial, but I wish you peace in life or in death. My depression has always argued with my anxiety and vice-versa, so I know get the conflict. But please make sure checking out is the BEST and most rational alternative before acting on it.

 

[JSauter]

Unless you're rich/hit the jackpot with some gold star insurance at a high paying job, Americans don't have the luxury of staying at a hospital for 4 months having a battery of tests done without incurring serious financial strain.

Ah. Sorry. I forgot about what a privilege it is to have universal healthcare. Didn't mean to rub it in.

Don't apologize -- any chance the better parts of the world have to make this country look like the embarrassment it is, is actually quite warranted.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I know it sounds like I am not ready to die but I really do want to, dying is just hard!

This.

Hope you don't mind, I'm going to post this quote in another thread. Going through this with practicing for SN. I don't want to do this method and yet it's the best alternative. Dying is indeed hard.

 

[Cevapcici]

Hey there I remember seeing you around the forum , and I'm glad to have you back ! If there's something in you that tells you it's not your time yet...than its not your time to go... there's no need to rush a decision that has a permanent effect.

 

[martin8383784]

I know, it really upset me when the doctor diminished my suffering to appearance. I already feel misunderstood as it is, sometimes it makes me more determine to die to prove a point. Nope, nothing. The crisis team were unprofessional and so were the doctors both at the GP and the hospital. I was not taken seriously at all. I've been told personality disorders aren't real, have not been offered any sort of therapy and dismissed as soon as possible.

I hate when people are worried about me though and Im really good at pretending that I'm fine so it might have been that as well. Either way, I made a serious suicide attempt and it should have been taken seriously.


It's really hard to place the experience on one aspect because there was a lot going on at once, I'm not sure how to explain it.

Panic 10/10
Physical pain 5.5/10
Nausea 8/10
Sickness 3/10
Uncomfortableness 7/10

sorry to hear about your experience!
Did you not take benzos/sedatives? They surely would have calmed you down.
What did you take exactly, just meto and SN?

 

[bpdandme]

"when I went to the doctors I got dismissed as usual because I don't "look" depressed - my male doctor said to me "you're good looking and have a nice figure, what do you have to be depressed about? come back in six months if you're still feeling bad." I'm so tired of being dismissed"

Wow. What is this, the 1950s where any woman who has any issue is blindly diagnosed as a female hysteric???? You should report this Dr to whatever administrative body regulates Drs wherever you are. (In Canada it would be the college of physicians and surgeons, but not sure what it would be called in other places, but surely there is some equivalent.)

I can relate to being dismissed. It makes me so mad because mental health is a hot PR topic and there are all these public interest campaigns urging people to "reach out", but no one is making sure that the people who do so are treated effectively.

I finally had an experience with a Dr who took me seriously, but it took several different tries to find him. I have had so many experiences of being dismissed.

I had an ER doc actually YELL at me, saying I was making a bid for attention, acting like a "time bomb" about to go off and deliberately trying to worry those around me. I have also had a past BPD diagnosis (I now have other diagnoses too) and that is a highly stigmatized diagnosis even within the mental health profession. (Likely because the pharmaceutical industry has yet to find a pill for it, and Drs like to dispense the pharmaceuticals...)

I have had many doctors dismiss me, saying I "just have trouble with difficult emotions" and that I just need to try harder and "use the skills".

Just to give you an idea of how stark the dichotomy between Drs can be:

After a serious suicide attempt, the first Dr said it was just "situational stress" and I just needed a few nights in the hospital and some time off work. By this point I had had a positive experience with a Dr at a different hospital and I asked to be transferred to his care. He accepted the transfer and you know what he did? A series of diagnostic tests and trials of various treatments to make sure they had something that would work. He kept me in the hospital for 4 months in order to do all of this, and while the psych ward is not my favourite place to be, at least I had a Dr who was taking me seriously and throwing all the resources he had at his disposal to help make me well. Ultimately they concluded that I had a combination of diagnoses and they tailored a treatment regimen for me.

Just let that sink in: a dismissive "it's just stress" versus a hospitalization replete with testing to get to the bottom of the issue and a concrete treatment plan.

I really wish I had found this Dr earlier. My advice from my experience: you really have to advocate for yourself in the healthcare system. Do not be afraid to demand a different Dr and to keep coming back until the issue is resolved. Advocating for yourself is hard when you don't feel well, but I think it is the only way you can get good help.

I really wish I had had the courage to advocate for myself when I was younger. If I had found the right diagnosis/treatment plan 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago, I don't think I would be in the mess I am in.
[/QUOTE]

I'm so happy for you that you've found a Dr that works for you - how are you feeling now? Do you consider yourself in recovery?

Thank you so much for your response, I've felt so careless about getting better because I thought I would never be understood - but this has really changed my perspective. I'm glad you persevered and managed to find a doctor who works for you. When this Dr, who specialises in mental health, said to me "people come here and look depressed, they haven't showered and smell', I replied but have they attempted suicide and he said no. It is so dangerous to think there is a "look" for mental health problems because there is not and people should not be dismissed for this. People are not getting the right help and it's not right! You're such an example to advocate for yourself and I feel like you can inspire a lot of people!

Thank you so much, I've found your advice really empowering and I am so proud of you and happy for you. If you ever need to chat my inbox is open!

That's incredible...Thank you so much for sharing with all of us.

Do you have any lasting or residual side effects? Or do you feel / look basically the same way you were before you tried SN?

I think any suicide attempt has some effect on you mentally. But physically, I was stabilised around an hour after having the methanyl blue IV. I was BLUE like I was being called a smurf by the staff! But the next morning I looked exactly the same, felt very tired/drained and needed to go to the toilet a lot (being on a saline drip for 24 hours is a lot of liquid!). But there was no long lasting effects on my physically, it is very easily reversed if you are found in time and the doctors know how to treat it. The hospital staff were panicking as they had never heard of it before and they were running out of time. I was at a deadly stage after 30/40 minutes but I did not feel like I was dying. I don't feel any different and went back to "normal" in a couple of days!

Unless you're rich/hit the jackpot with some gold star insurance at a high paying job, Americans don't have the luxury of staying at a hospital for 4 months having a battery of tests done without incurring serious financial strain.

The health care system in America is so wrong, I'm sorry you don't have the access you deserve. I am so grateful for our NHS but is very strained!

Hey there I remember seeing you around the forum , and I'm glad to have you back ! If there's something in you that tells you it's not your time yet...than its not your time to go... there's no need to rush a decision that has a permanent effect.

Hey! Thank you so much, you're very sweet.

sorry to hear about your experience!
Did you not take benzos/sedatives? They surely would have calmed you down.
What did you take exactly, just meto and SN?

Nope, not even meto. I didn't think I'd need to calm down because I was so adamant I was going to die and didn't think I'd care.

This.

Hope you don't mind, I'm going to post this quote in another thread. Going through this with practicing for SN. I don't want to do this method and yet it's the best alternative. Dying is indeed hard.

Of course not. I know how you feel if you ever need to chat! Sometimes, it's like I'm not taken seriously because people diminish suicidal ideation as "if you really wanted to die, you'd do it." Like it's as easy as going to the shops. It's a massive, permanent, scary, daunting and upsetting realisation that stays with you until your attempt. SI is a real thing. No matter how much your mind wants to die, your body is programmed to live. It's so sad to know you want to die and will go through with it. It's frustrating and you're forced to continue living life with ignorant people who would say "I wish I knew" when it's too late, rather than being considerate and kind to everyone.