I’m back and stuck again....

[Rose190021]

So the last time I logged on was back in April 2019. I attempted suicide. I had SN, alcohol, pills, and I had put a bag over my head for when I passed out eventually. My attempt obviously failed because I talked to my therapist and turned myself in after I took pills and drank. I told myself I would stay off this site and attempt to get better for real this time. I can't stop feeling the way I do though. I haven't stopped feeling that way. I attempted again. And I've been hospitalized again. The first time after April I took Benadryl again(I know stupid). It did not work but I did have a seizure and spent time in the ICU. The last attempt I had about a month and a half ago wasn't even really an attempt because I accidentally trapped myself in a field because people found my note before I could attempt to jump off a bridge. Instead I sat in a field for hours and cut myself literally from head to toe. I have so many scars now everywhere. I absolutely hate it. I guess the point of this post is to say it's not working out. I can't keep doing this. I've had so many attempts. I also have a possession charge and a OWI charge now because I started using drugs to cope and they found me methed out after I had used/been drugged. I hate myself. I hate that I feel disgusting. I want to pull my hair out. I want to smash my head into a wall until I can't feel anything anymore. I want to binge on meth and forget my life as I know it. I want to stop existing or turn 99. Whatever comes faster. I want to shoot myself right in the face. Every attempt I have brings my hope down a little lower. I really thought for sure I'd be dead after my last "attempt" and had I not been trapped I would have succeeded. I promised myself after my last attempt no more hospital stays. And I mean it. I will jump in front of a semi before I allow myself to be hospitalized again. I will never leave a note or any signs behind that I feel suicidal again. I feel so hopeless. I want to have a future for myself. I want to be married, to have kids, fall in love, get a job, finish college. It doesn't have to happen perfectly or even all at once I just can't continue to live like this. I'm looking at how my life has gone so far and I've determined that it doesn't get better. I can't be helped. I can't be fixed. I'm broken, useless, afraid and alone. I am worthless, stupid, and ashamed. I am so hurt from my past and I hate every ounce of me. I ask why me, why me? Why do some people suffer and some don't? Maybe I'm irrational or maybe I'm just over this mess. Idk what to even say anymore.

 

[Irishsteve88]

Welcome back Rose you dont know me dont think so anyway. Look I was gang raped I was beaten most my life ny father raped me. I was on the streets I worked in the sex trade. My life was absolutely horrible I feel every ounce of your pain. Tons of hospital stays strapped to beds needles put in me you name it. Im aged 30 now have my own home have a job no kids though these things are ment to make people happy they dont with me. However I choose to exit this world for the reasons above I didn't ask to be brought into it. Where all here to help each other either to stay alive or die either way where your friends. We are your real people who feel your pain. But please promise me one thing do not touch meth it will lead you to a much more worse place I have seen it with people who where just like me. Now I see them and their junkies sorry but thats not me. An another thing your not worthless and there no need to be ashamed and anyway what are you ashamed about. Theres noting to be ashamed about failed attempts or wanting to leave the world. Holy moley I could write 2 books on the amount of fails I have had thats a fact. Anyway take care if ya need an ear you know what to do hmu. Xxxx sarah

 

[CareOfCell44]

Wow.
And I thought I'd been through some shit.
You two are tough, seriously...
Mad resepct

 

[MG_39]

Hi Rose, It makes me sad to read your story, and I can feel your pain. And the difference between when someone healthy say does words, and when I say them (And of course a lot of other people here on this forum) is the fact that I KNOW how it feels, because I also feel that pain. And how absurd it might sound on a forum like this. You aren't alone, yes this forum revolves a lot around suicide methods, but when your life is painful and you meet other people in the same situation you can relate to their pain, and you don't only wish you could find a solution for your own problems, you also wish you could help other. Both I and a lot of other people here DO CARE about you Rose. I'm always open for listening to other people. Media sometimes only show one side of a forum like this "People encourage each other to ctb" but there is another side, people can talk to each other about the problems, and the one you talk to understand how it feels.

If you wanna talk just shoot me a dm. (Just so you know English is not my native language.)

 

[riverstyx]

I'm so sorry Wish life was better for you.

I see you have several failed attempt. Do you really inted to die, or is more a call for help and an expression of desperation., in your opinion.

 

[FF777]

Alright, first of all, don't touch meth any more.. No matter which path you end up going down (continuing to try to live, or ctb) meth will only make either of those worse.. With the ctb route it will make you less lucid and you don't be able to put together a solid plan to ctb, and with the continuing to live route it will destroy your life, your hopes, your dreams, and causes massive permanent brain damage very quickly.. Take a minute to try to think of any one you know that has a great life that is also doing meth?.....yeah....no one.

We now have a recovery forum that has been added here like a few days ago (not sure if you are aware of it or not), and if you end up choosing to try to salvage your life you can probably get some good advice there..

However, I'm not an expert at recovery advice, and this is the suicide discussion forum you are posting in, so I will give you my thoughts on the ctb route if you decide that that is the route you would prefer to take..

The positive thing is that it doesn't matter how many times you fail...You can keep trying until it works.. It only has to work once..
Actually that is only half true depending on the methods you are using.. Some failed methods could potentially leave you crippled and unable to make a next attempt..

What I would do if I were you and wanting to ctb is, I would stop taking any drugs (including alcohol) so that you can be lucid/clear-headed long enough to sit down for a few days and make a concerted effort to create a ctb plan for your self that has a minimal chance of failing.. It might suck to not have drugs/alcohol as a vice to keep you comfort for a few days, but it would only be in order to get you in to a place where you won't have to suffer at all any more.. (Actually your NS plan would have succeeded if it had been followed all of the way through.. So you really aren't a failure at all.. You are very capable of doing some thing if you really want to do it..)

And you also need to make sure that if you choose the ctb route, that that is really what you want to do, because if you back out of it half-way, you might end up being hospitalized again and I wouldn't want you to have to go through that again..

But like I said, I mostly only have ctb advice.. I think you need to take some time out to do some critical thinking about which path you want to go down, because it seems that at least part of you is on the fence a little bit.. And if you choose to try to salvage your life, you can find lots of good help and support in the recovery forum (and of course you can post in both places too; Not like you just have to only post in one area)..

It seems like you have been through a lot, and I don't want you to have to go through any more unnecessary suffering or pain.. Which ever way you choose, I hope you are able to shed your suffering and find true happiness..

Love and light

 

[Broken Chimera]

I wanted to say that meth is one of the worst drugs you can get on. I knew one and she ruined her life with that and crack. You don't want you to do that to yourself. Be kind to yourself, take things a few minutes at a time and focus on yourself.

And I also wanted to say that you guys really went through a lot and I'm sorry. I hope it gets better for you guys.

 

[GeorgeJL]

So the last time I logged on was back in April 2019. I attempted suicide. I had SN, alcohol, pills, and I had put a bag over my head for when I passed out eventually. My attempt obviously failed because I talked to my therapist and turned myself in after I took pills and drank. I told myself I would stay off this site and attempt to get better for real this time. I can't stop feeling the way I do though. I haven't stopped feeling that way. I attempted again. And I've been hospitalized again. The first time after April I took Benadryl again(I know stupid). It did not work but I did have a seizure and spent time in the ICU. The last attempt I had about a month and a half ago wasn't even really an attempt because I accidentally trapped myself in a field because people found my note before I could attempt to jump off a bridge. Instead I sat in a field for hours and cut myself literally from head to toe. I have so many scars now everywhere. I absolutely hate it. I guess the point of this post is to say it's not working out. I can't keep doing this. I've had so many attempts. I also have a possession charge and a OWI charge now because I started using drugs to cope and they found me methed out after I had used/been drugged. I hate myself. I hate that I feel disgusting. I want to pull my hair out. I want to smash my head into a wall until I can't feel anything anymore. I want to binge on meth and forget my life as I know it. I want to stop existing or turn 99. Whatever comes faster. I want to shoot myself right in the face. Every attempt I have brings my hope down a little lower. I really thought for sure I'd be dead after my last "attempt" and had I not been trapped I would have succeeded. I promised myself after my last attempt no more hospital stays. And I mean it. I will jump in front of a semi before I allow myself to be hospitalized again. I will never leave a note or any signs behind that I feel suicidal again. I feel so hopeless. I want to have a future for myself. I want to be married, to have kids, fall in love, get a job, finish college. It doesn't have to happen perfectly or even all at once I just can't continue to live like this. I'm looking at how my life has gone so far and I've determined that it doesn't get better. I can't be helped. I can't be fixed. I'm broken, useless, afraid and alone. I am worthless, stupid, and ashamed. I am so hurt from my past and I hate every ounce of me. I ask why me, why me? Why do some people suffer and some don't? Maybe I'm irrational or maybe I'm just over this mess. Idk what to even say anymore.

You need to make up your mind what you want to do, but in the mean time have some self dignity.

 

[justanotherday]

So the last time I logged on was back in April 2019. I attempted suicide. I had SN, alcohol, pills, and I had put a bag over my head for when I passed out eventually. My attempt obviously failed because I talked to my therapist and turned myself in after I took pills and drank. I told myself I would stay off this site and attempt to get better for real this time. I can't stop feeling the way I do though. I haven't stopped feeling that way. I attempted again. And I've been hospitalized again. The first time after April I took Benadryl again(I know stupid). It did not work but I did have a seizure and spent time in the ICU. The last attempt I had about a month and a half ago wasn't even really an attempt because I accidentally trapped myself in a field because people found my note before I could attempt to jump off a bridge. Instead I sat in a field for hours and cut myself literally from head to toe. I have so many scars now everywhere. I absolutely hate it. I guess the point of this post is to say it's not working out. I can't keep doing this. I've had so many attempts. I also have a possession charge and a OWI charge now because I started using drugs to cope and they found me methed out after I had used/been drugged. I hate myself. I hate that I feel disgusting. I want to pull my hair out. I want to smash my head into a wall until I can't feel anything anymore. I want to binge on meth and forget my life as I know it. I want to stop existing or turn 99. Whatever comes faster. I want to shoot myself right in the face. Every attempt I have brings my hope down a little lower. I really thought for sure I'd be dead after my last "attempt" and had I not been trapped I would have succeeded. I promised myself after my last attempt no more hospital stays. And I mean it. I will jump in front of a semi before I allow myself to be hospitalized again. I will never leave a note or any signs behind that I feel suicidal again. I feel so hopeless. I want to have a future for myself. I want to be married, to have kids, fall in love, get a job, finish college. It doesn't have to happen perfectly or even all at once I just can't continue to live like this. I'm looking at how my life has gone so far and I've determined that it doesn't get better. I can't be helped. I can't be fixed. I'm broken, useless, afraid and alone. I am worthless, stupid, and ashamed. I am so hurt from my past and I hate every ounce of me. I ask why me, why me? Why do some people suffer and some don't? Maybe I'm irrational or maybe I'm just over this mess. Idk what to even say anymore.

Towards the end of your writing, you say you want to have a marriage and kids. So, it sounds like you do not really want to die, but rather, you just want the pain in your life to end. I am a survivor of an attempt. However, I really did want to leave the planet and am very upset that my attempt failed.