Venting I'm at my limit

[scarletstarlet]

I've set a date about 9 months from now to CTB. I can't take it anymore. The more I try to navigate the mental health system the more I fall deeper and deeper into this pit of depression. I'm 19 years old and I've wanted to CTB since I was 12. I'll admit, up until about a few months ago- my suicidal ideation was pretty "passive". I didn't really want to die, I just thought about it. But recently I've truly come to realize that CTB is what I want the most right now. I'm tired of waiting around for whatever "miracle" could be around the corner. people always try to tell me that something good is on the way. It's always "on the way" but never here. I'm tired. I gave myself about a year to either change my mind or go all in, because I'm typically a very indecisive person, so I wanted to really ruminate on this decision. I can say that with each passing day, this world pushes me closer and closer to CTB.

Sometimes, when I have a bad day or I get triggered by something, I want to push that date up sooner. It's impulsive, I know, but I just have to remind myself that my time will come. I made the mistake of being 100% honest about my suicidal ideations with my friends, and I think I scared them lol. I really just wanted to warn them that the chances of me killing myself are very high. My family is even worse. I made a suicidal gesture a few months ago last winter when I tried to CTB with over-the-counter pills (a stupid method, I know.) and when I got home from the hospital and had to explain myself, my sister told me my depression and suicidality is normal for a teenage girl. It was at that moment that I decided to stop trying for these people. I've held on this long so as not to devastate my family when the whole time my family doesn't even understand me at all. They don't understand that CTB is the best way for me to ease the pain. They don't understand that I'm an adult and I can make these kinds of choices for myself. I'm tired.

Anyways, thanks for reading my little rant.

 

[man_in_red:)]

Good idea on setting a date, CTB is a big decision but like you said your an adult you have every right to make your own decison.

 

[SpiderLink]

I've set a date about 9 months from now to CTB. I can't take it anymore. The more I try to navigate the mental health system the more I fall deeper and deeper into this pit of depression. I'm 19 years old and I've wanted to CTB since I was 12. I'll admit, up until about a few months ago- my suicidal ideation was pretty "passive". I didn't really want to die, I just thought about it. But recently I've truly come to realize that CTB is what I want the most right now. I'm tired of waiting around for whatever "miracle" could be around the corner. people always try to tell me that something good is on the way. It's always "on the way" but never here. I'm tired. I gave myself about a year to either change my mind or go all in, because I'm typically a very indecisive person, so I wanted to really ruminate on this decision. I can say that with each passing day, this world pushes me closer and closer to CTB.

Sometimes, when I have a bad day or I get triggered by something, I want to push that date up sooner. It's impulsive, I know, but I just have to remind myself that my time will come. I made the mistake of being 100% honest about my suicidal ideations with my friends, and I think I scared them lol. I really just wanted to warn them that the chances of me killing myself are very high. My family is even worse. I made a suicidal gesture a few months ago last winter when I tried to CTB with over-the-counter pills (a stupid method, I know.) and when I got home from the hospital and had to explain myself, my sister told me my depression and suicidality is normal for a teenage girl. It was at that moment that I decided to stop trying for these people. I've held on this long so as not to devastate my family when the whole time my family doesn't even understand me at all. They don't understand that CTB is the best way for me to ease the pain. They don't understand that I'm an adult and I can make these kinds of choices for myself. I'm tired.

Anyways, thanks for reading my little rant.

I feel ya. I'm 18… I know this may sound stupid, but this band named "Citizen solider" all their music is based off of mental health. A lot of them hit so close too home. I'd definitely check them out, I'm saying this because I find their music very sloothing. And I can relate to most of their songs, everything about them is amazing. They just released their first song on their new album "ICU", afterlife. Their lyric videos r so well done, I just love them so much. Anyways, I highly recommend checking them out. I've also been listening/watching slam poetry (and I've been doing poetry lately) I showed my psychiatrist one of my poems and he told me about slam poetry. I didn't even know it was a thing until he told me (basically slam poetry is about mental health or struggles most of them, just depends on what your searching for) I just find both of these very comforting. I'm sorry for the experiences you've had with reaching out…citizen soldiers music has also helped me communicate some of my feelings, instead of me actually saying it. Maybe they can have a better understanding if u can find a couple to share with them "I'm not okay" is a really good one. I just recommend checking out all of them tbh, they've given me words that I didn't know existed.

 

[scarletstarlet]

I feel ya. I'm 18… I know this may sound stupid, but this band named "Citizen solider" all their music is based off of mental health. A lot of them hit so close too home. I'd definitely check them out, I'm saying this because I find their music very sloothing. And I can relate to most of their songs, everything about them is amazing. They just released their first song on their new album "ICU", afterlife. Their lyric videos r so well done, I just love them so much. Anyways, I highly recommend checking them out. I've also been listening/watching slam poetry (and I've been doing poetry lately) I showed my psychiatrist one of my poems and he told me about slam poetry. I didn't even know it was a thing until he told me (basically slam poetry is about mental health or struggles most of them, just depends on what your searching for) I just find both of these very comforting. I'm sorry for the experiences you've had with reaching out…citizen soldiers music has also helped me communicate some of my feelings, instead of me actually saying it. Maybe they can have a better understanding if u can find a couple to share with them "I'm not okay" is a really good one. I just recommend checking out all of them tbh, they've given me words that I didn't know existed.

I'll check them out. I actually write poetry myself, and I really love slam poetry. Thanks for the recommendation.

 

[SpiderLink]

I'll check them out. I actually write poetry myself, and I really love slam poetry. Thanks for the recommendation.

Of course, I'd love to hear some of your poetry! If your willing to share, I can some a couple of mine if u don't mind :)

 

[TheSadStranger]

I've set a date about 9 months from now to CTB. I can't take it anymore. The more I try to navigate the mental health system the more I fall deeper and deeper into this pit of depression. I'm 19 years old and I've wanted to CTB since I was 12. I'll admit, up until about a few months ago- my suicidal ideation was pretty "passive". I didn't really want to die, I just thought about it. But recently I've truly come to realize that CTB is what I want the most right now. I'm tired of waiting around for whatever "miracle" could be around the corner. people always try to tell me that something good is on the way. It's always "on the way" but never here. I'm tired. I gave myself about a year to either change my mind or go all in, because I'm typically a very indecisive person, so I wanted to really ruminate on this decision. I can say that with each passing day, this world pushes me closer and closer to CTB.

Sometimes, when I have a bad day or I get triggered by something, I want to push that date up sooner. It's impulsive, I know, but I just have to remind myself that my time will come. I made the mistake of being 100% honest about my suicidal ideations with my friends, and I think I scared them lol. I really just wanted to warn them that the chances of me killing myself are very high. My family is even worse. I made a suicidal gesture a few months ago last winter when I tried to CTB with over-the-counter pills (a stupid method, I know.) and when I got home from the hospital and had to explain myself, my sister told me my depression and suicidality is normal for a teenage girl. It was at that moment that I decided to stop trying for these people. I've held on this long so as not to devastate my family when the whole time my family doesn't even understand me at all. They don't understand that CTB is the best way for me to ease the pain. They don't understand that I'm an adult and I can make these kinds of choices for myself. I'm tired.

Anyways, thanks for reading my little rant.

I feel for you. I'm no stranger to pain. I've been abused and literally tortured all of my life. I have loved and lost. I was recently diagnosed with (3C) stage 3 non-small cell lung cancer. Now I've got 13 months left to live. Life can be cruel trust me I know. However I know you don't want to hear this. You probably heard it dozen times. Life can get better. It's like gambling you just have to roll the dice and hope for the best. A better analogy would be life is like a game of poker. You get the hand you're dealt. You can do whatever you want between now and the end of the game. It may seem like you have a shit hand right now, but you might end up with a royal flush later or you might not even end up with a pair. It's up to you to know "When to hold'em and when to fold'em". I hope the best for you.

Please make sure the decision you make is of a sound mind.

Stay safe

 

[scarletstarlet]

Of course, I'd love to hear some of your poetry! If your willing to share, I can some a couple of mine if u don't mind :)

I wish I was confident enough to show it to people but my poetry is deeply personal lol. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to show people. Thanks for your interest though.

I feel for you. I'm no stranger to pain. I've been abused and literally tortured all of my life. I have loved and lost. I was recently diagnosed with (3C) stage 3 non-small cell lung cancer. Now I've got 13 months left to live. Life can be cruel trust me I know. However I know you don't want to hear this. You probably heard it dozen times. Life can get better. It's like gambling you just have to roll the dice and hope for the best. A better analogy would be life is like a game of poker. You get the hand you're dealt. You can do whatever you want between now and the end of the game. It may seem like you have a shit hand right now, but you might end up with a royal flush later or you might not even end up with a pair. It's up to you to know "When to hold'em and when to fold'em". I hope the best for you.

Please make sure the decision you make is of a sound mind.

Stay safe

Thank you, truly.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me it's always such a terrible idea being so open about wanting to die with other people, there are so many in this world who are against the right to die and won't even try to understand. It's very much understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering as of course it really can be so tiring feeling trapped here but anyway best wishes.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Would you like to share a little more detail about what you have been struggling with in particular? What do you think caused your suicidal ideation to feel more urgent?

 

[SpiderLink]

I wish I was confident enough to show it to people but my poetry is deeply personal lol. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to show people. Thanks for your interest though.

Thank you, truly.

I understand :)

 

[scarletstarlet]

Would you like to share a little more detail about what you have been struggling with in particular? What do you think caused your suicidal ideation to feel more urgent?

My entire life I've struggled with a broken home as well as getting bullied as a child, so I think the combination of severe self-esteem issues and childhood trauma was what caused my depression. I think what caused my suicidal ideation to feel more urgent was a slow, creeping realization of just how much I hate being alive. From the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed I want to die. I also have severe social anxiety so I literally can't function as a human being without having panic attacks. I think what caused me to go over the edge and actually plan to CTB was this last round of seasonal depression. This last winter really did me in.