I'm an idiot....

[BPD Barbie]

Just need to vent really. I'm an idiot, had a really bad mental health day, nothing in particular triggered it, it just was what it was. Racing and paranoid thoughts, I'm worthless, waste of oxygen, expendable to those around me etc etc. Overwhelming urges to self mutilate and to ctb. Ended up taking more of my sleeping tablets than I should have, feel OK, very tired and very dizzy whenever I move, but that's all. Massive amounts of frustration and anger towards myself though for losing control. I have a date set that I want to stick to, but I just feel like I'm losing touch with reality now, like it's slowly slipping away from me. I'm already close to being hospitalised and doing what I can to avoid it happening.
Just needed a vent...

 

[Chronicillness]

Hospitalization will only complicate things even further. No one goes in there and comes out even slightly better. Even if you don't want to die getting hospitalized will worsen your mood. Just being in a hospitalized environment exposes you to super pathogens that will depress you and promote an even worse mental state. I imagine this is especially true for psych hospitals.

 

[LMLN]

I'm sorry it was a bad day for you. I had a bad one today myself, really bad. We all have them and at least for me there's no rhyme or reason.
Vent away, we sympathize here. ❤

 

[Squiddy]

Sorry that your day was shitty. Mine was also shitty for no reason

 

[BPD Barbie]

Maybe it wouldn't feel so bad if there was a reason. This constant aching in my chest, the darkness that follows me around and just engulfs my life, how long do I fight it for? I'm so tired beyond belief of living, it's a tired so deep down within me. I feel more of a failure in life than I have done in a while. I'm sick of seeing my self harm scars, I'm sick of being paranoid, I'm sick of crying, sick of binge eating, sick of being judged.... The list goes on and on and on.

 

[Taki]

You're not an idiot. Most of us here have days and moments that other people can't imagine. Hope it turns around for you.

 

[Lotus]

I really don't know what to say. I also had an extremely bad day, and since I have been involuntary commited to the hospital so many times the last weeks, I intend to stay away from there. I'm afraid to have such a bad day that I'm being too impulsive and self sabotaging. I just wanted to not exist, so I as well took a great amount of sleeping pills just to pass out.

Lots of hugs. I'm thinking of you, and hope that you will feel better soon.

 

[LMLN]

I have been drinking way too much today myself. And then will take my sleeping pill at tonight as well to knock myself out. Unhealthy coping I know.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I'm sorry you've had such a shitty day and that your mental health is suffering. I hope tomorrow is better for you. Stay strong, you are not a waste of oxygen, a failure, or worthless (no matter how much it feels so) and you WILL make it to your date. I also suffer from BPD, so I know how hard it can be sometimes. If you ever want someone to talk to, my inbox is always open.

 

[hershberger]

To echo what others have said: yeah, another shitty day here. I hope you have a good night's sleep and that tomorrow is better.

 

[Ame]

Even if you feel a certain way it does not necessarily mean that you are whatever you feeling in the moment. There are lovely people who feel badly at times and in no way does it mean that they are bad people. I don't know you are all, but I imagine that you are not a bad person or an idiot. You've had a bad day and seem to be struggling to cope, that you don't feel so great is valid.

If it is late in the evening where you are, maybe try turning in early for the day? If not, then I hope that you can be compassionate with yourself and take it easy. Either way, do take care!

 

[6ixxy]

Stay strong, you've got this

 

[BPD Barbie]

Thanks everyone. Slept for a super long time, hardly surprising, feel a bit better today. Gonna try and enjoy new year celebrations. Hope you're all keeping your heads above today. Much love