antonio_188
Member
- Jun 21, 2023
- 19
I'm not sure how to go about it, but pretty much what the title says.
I'm scared I might be evil. All the people who hurt me mentioned doing so because of me, always. I was called manipulative, insane, evil, untrustworthy, self-important, entitled and I think I might be? What if I'm just so manipulative I manipulated myself into believing I was a good person? I know I try to do good, and I know I try to show others kindness but sometimes I just don't want to be kind, and I feel so fucking disgusting. If I was really a good person, I should always want to be kind, my friends are kind and when they're not, it's not out of a desire not to be, but me? I have malicious intentions sometimes, and I try my best to not act out on them but eventually I need to get them out and I thought that was normal but everyone keeps telling me it's not.
I need my monthly "petty day" (basically just a day every month where I let myself just kind of do whatever) to function properly the rest of the time, and I'm so foul I somehow thought that this was normal, and a harmless idea. I think it was, at one point, maybe, but I'm not even sure. The idea was that, having a singular day a month would force me to think twice about what I actually wanted to do and what I could feel good without. For instance, if I had an argument on any other day, it would force me to think twice before saying anything potentially harmful, and instead I'd just write down what I wanted to say, and then look back on it on my "petty day". A lot of the time, this actually works, as most my anger is gone by the time I get to my petty day, so really all I do is rewrite my impulsive, wrath filled messages to instead explain why I reacted the way I did, why I was hurt and so on. I'm autistic, so it often takes me the day because I have to do quite a lot of introspection and it's not always easy for me, but it makes me feel better. I rarely ever send those messages, I just keep them to myself unless it becomes too much, in which case I send them (never on the day they were written tho, I always wait a month or so) and then try to move on.
I genuinely thought this was a good compromise, because I get to get things out of my system and I don't hurt people on other days, but I was called a monster over it three times now, by three different people, and I can't keep ignoring it. If even what I think is good is evil, how messed up do I have to be? I genuinely thought this was harmless, and still now I don't understand... I hate myself for not understanding. I should understand. I should understand what makes this twisted and hurtful, and I don't. I sincerely don't. I'm aware I'm not perfect, but I at least hoped this would be a good option for everyone and I hate that it's not. I hate that I can't see why it's not. I'm scared I'm just so vile I don't see how this could hurt. I just want to be a good person...
I'm scared I might be evil. All the people who hurt me mentioned doing so because of me, always. I was called manipulative, insane, evil, untrustworthy, self-important, entitled and I think I might be? What if I'm just so manipulative I manipulated myself into believing I was a good person? I know I try to do good, and I know I try to show others kindness but sometimes I just don't want to be kind, and I feel so fucking disgusting. If I was really a good person, I should always want to be kind, my friends are kind and when they're not, it's not out of a desire not to be, but me? I have malicious intentions sometimes, and I try my best to not act out on them but eventually I need to get them out and I thought that was normal but everyone keeps telling me it's not.
I need my monthly "petty day" (basically just a day every month where I let myself just kind of do whatever) to function properly the rest of the time, and I'm so foul I somehow thought that this was normal, and a harmless idea. I think it was, at one point, maybe, but I'm not even sure. The idea was that, having a singular day a month would force me to think twice about what I actually wanted to do and what I could feel good without. For instance, if I had an argument on any other day, it would force me to think twice before saying anything potentially harmful, and instead I'd just write down what I wanted to say, and then look back on it on my "petty day". A lot of the time, this actually works, as most my anger is gone by the time I get to my petty day, so really all I do is rewrite my impulsive, wrath filled messages to instead explain why I reacted the way I did, why I was hurt and so on. I'm autistic, so it often takes me the day because I have to do quite a lot of introspection and it's not always easy for me, but it makes me feel better. I rarely ever send those messages, I just keep them to myself unless it becomes too much, in which case I send them (never on the day they were written tho, I always wait a month or so) and then try to move on.
I genuinely thought this was a good compromise, because I get to get things out of my system and I don't hurt people on other days, but I was called a monster over it three times now, by three different people, and I can't keep ignoring it. If even what I think is good is evil, how messed up do I have to be? I genuinely thought this was harmless, and still now I don't understand... I hate myself for not understanding. I should understand. I should understand what makes this twisted and hurtful, and I don't. I sincerely don't. I'm aware I'm not perfect, but I at least hoped this would be a good option for everyone and I hate that it's not. I hate that I can't see why it's not. I'm scared I'm just so vile I don't see how this could hurt. I just want to be a good person...