DyingToDie123
she/her
- Oct 25, 2023
- 384
Tomorrow night's a great night for me to ctb. My mom's in town so my dog won't be left alone. There's a bunch of 1989 Taylor's Version listening parties that I can go to unsuspectingly (I'm otherwise not a person who goes out late) and get drunk at then take the train to the bridge and just do it (importantly after I get to hear the Vault tracks, because you know, priorities).
But I've been planning to kill myself for 11 years. And I've never come close. Never attempted. Ran some tests but never with the full intention of doing the thing. And I'm just so tired of being the girl who cried wolf.
When I was off my meds I think I could have mustered the will to jump. But being babysat by my mom I've had to take them and I think my SI is higher than it is without them. Much higher.
Luckily I no longer have friends who can hospitalize me for trying, and my mom basically thinks hospitals are BS, so I don't run that risk anymore, but I just don't want to come home from that damn bridge after chickening out again. I want to finally do it. But if I had to bet I just don't think I will. I don't think I have it in me.
But I've been planning to kill myself for 11 years. And I've never come close. Never attempted. Ran some tests but never with the full intention of doing the thing. And I'm just so tired of being the girl who cried wolf.
When I was off my meds I think I could have mustered the will to jump. But being babysat by my mom I've had to take them and I think my SI is higher than it is without them. Much higher.
Luckily I no longer have friends who can hospitalize me for trying, and my mom basically thinks hospitals are BS, so I don't run that risk anymore, but I just don't want to come home from that damn bridge after chickening out again. I want to finally do it. But if I had to bet I just don't think I will. I don't think I have it in me.
