Venting I'm a product of abuse, and trying to accept a hard goodbye of many years

[idelttoilfsadness21]

This is my first recovery post, but this is, like, my 3rd post about yesterday regarding sharing my history a bit regarding my intense feelings and emotions about stuff in general, and I was terrified to move in to this new place I have been made to live in, I knew it... I could just feel it because this shit has been ongoing for years and overlooked my stupid whole life. I was terrified, and I knew something would happen, and I was locked out, I promised myself I'd do anything's even if it means calling my stupid abusive parents, I tried calling them this morning through this whole day, and I knew their schedules, still have the same numbers, they still live where they are, but the only thing is, we have been doing this since my entire life of me trying to leave them, and I somewhat succeeded during my late teens, and it put me through hell being more baused by the world they failed protect me by, equally putting me into the wolves for such a long time, and I had to depend on them a little after that, and after being placed under their hold after searching for help and assistance, which they seemed to have supported for a little, I needed to live with them, because of course they affected my upbringing and gave me intense, severe insecurities, so I had to live with them, and after two years, I wanted out, and it was so hard dealing with moving, as they embarrassed the day of the move, and I was almost stuck under their wraps, being used by them. I felt perhaps they would be okay with accepting me back, but they blocked me, ignored me, and never responded Tony messages and they always call back, too, so I have been abandoned, even though I've been trying to be emancipated for years, denied, and been placed into this, now being abused by higher people who wants me to be in the psych ward and existing for no reason while I survive being labeled crazy my whole life, because this people ruined my life...

That's the end of my story with them, I suppose, and the end of this chapter of my rants from yesterday night. I've been abandoned by my own parents once again and this is the last time, too, before I'm dead.

I am trying to recover being abandoned and not needed by my abusers and in general shut out from needing their house to ctb if I would like to. They aren't my family anymore, but I wished I truly felt I was valued, and it just hurts...