Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,932
My girlfriend and I have been together 7 years. We met in an outpatient therapy group in 2015. At first she says she found me tall, good looking, funny, smart, opinionated. She liked my accent. But over the years she became so much more functional than me. She excelled, got a well-paying job, and now I'm left in the dust. Stuck at home, looking after the dog and consuming pointless media.
I knew at the time that my issues weren't passing, that my mystery illness would keep me limited in terms of energy and functioning in general. Many people in that therapy group were in their early twenties and had temporary behavioral or anxiety-related issues. And not to be reductive towards that, but I realized at the time that a lot of those problems were associated with youth. In line with that, she's much younger than me and essentially outgrew her problems like I knew many of those people would.
Over the course of our time together, I have not been able to beat my condition. At times it felt worse, but throughout it all, it has sort of waxed and waned. It makes me dizzy, extremely brain fogged, and exhausted all the time. All I really look forward to is music or watching a movie, and eating something good. Maybe a quick walk or trip to the store. But above all, just going to sleep.
As more time passed, I became less and less interested in things like sex. I'm not proud of this, but my energy has been so low these days that my only release is porn, which of course is a big drain on a person's partner. I asked for her understanding on that one. Again, it's not how I would have wanted things, but I'm just not up to being intimate.
Lately she's so angry towards me, almost vengeful. It's like she hates me but she still won't leave. I overheard her say she resents me and that I don't deserve anything. How she's wasted her love on me. For my part, I feel like I'm a slave to my condition and can only do what I'm up to. But I do also acknowledge there isn't much in this for her anymore. Although I am always there for her, I have her back on anything I possibly can. I think I'm empathetic and a good cuddler and communicator.
In any case, I know it's not enough. And I can't just take off myself because I have nobody else and would struggle to pay bills alone, but would likely also experience crippling isolation and loneliness that I fear would push me over the edge.
I guess her and I are more like roommates now, trapped, and can't really escape, although she could ditch me if she really wanted to. I just feel very alone, and scared for my future. I often can't see a way out other than ctb. I know I'd run into these same issues with someone new too, so it's not like I can just find someone else.
I'm just ranting I guess. There are no good solutions that I can come up with. Thanks for reading.
I knew at the time that my issues weren't passing, that my mystery illness would keep me limited in terms of energy and functioning in general. Many people in that therapy group were in their early twenties and had temporary behavioral or anxiety-related issues. And not to be reductive towards that, but I realized at the time that a lot of those problems were associated with youth. In line with that, she's much younger than me and essentially outgrew her problems like I knew many of those people would.
Over the course of our time together, I have not been able to beat my condition. At times it felt worse, but throughout it all, it has sort of waxed and waned. It makes me dizzy, extremely brain fogged, and exhausted all the time. All I really look forward to is music or watching a movie, and eating something good. Maybe a quick walk or trip to the store. But above all, just going to sleep.
As more time passed, I became less and less interested in things like sex. I'm not proud of this, but my energy has been so low these days that my only release is porn, which of course is a big drain on a person's partner. I asked for her understanding on that one. Again, it's not how I would have wanted things, but I'm just not up to being intimate.
Lately she's so angry towards me, almost vengeful. It's like she hates me but she still won't leave. I overheard her say she resents me and that I don't deserve anything. How she's wasted her love on me. For my part, I feel like I'm a slave to my condition and can only do what I'm up to. But I do also acknowledge there isn't much in this for her anymore. Although I am always there for her, I have her back on anything I possibly can. I think I'm empathetic and a good cuddler and communicator.
In any case, I know it's not enough. And I can't just take off myself because I have nobody else and would struggle to pay bills alone, but would likely also experience crippling isolation and loneliness that I fear would push me over the edge.
I guess her and I are more like roommates now, trapped, and can't really escape, although she could ditch me if she really wanted to. I just feel very alone, and scared for my future. I often can't see a way out other than ctb. I know I'd run into these same issues with someone new too, so it's not like I can just find someone else.
I'm just ranting I guess. There are no good solutions that I can come up with. Thanks for reading.