Venting I’m a Monster

[Ardesevent]

I'm a monster. I haven't done any honest work for months, I leech off of my poor dad who doesn't know any better, and my horrible attitude towards my mother was probably a driving force in her suicide. Heck, I wasn't even nice to my poor grandmother, I never wrote her back before she died.
Even if I suddenly become happy and a prolifer like everyone else besides us, I'll still be a monster. I'd just be ignoring everything I did wrong instead of trying to atone for it. It'd still weigh down on me, and nothing I ever do is going to fix it. I'm never going to happy.
I don't deserve a mercy like a death, but I have to die. Maybe if I'm lucky, someplace like hell really exists so I can rot there for eternity. I can't be a parasitic leech any longer. Even death, I'll be a monster, because I know my death is going to emotionally destroy him.
I want to apologize to everyone I've even talked to a hundred times over, but it'd be worthless. An apology does nothing, it's making up for it that matters. By dying, I'm appeasing everyone. Even the dead will happy with it. I can finally make it up to them, too.

 

[adios]

I'm a monster. I haven't done any honest work for months, I leech off of my poor dad who doesn't know any better, and my horrible attitude towards my mother was probably a driving force in her suicide. Heck, I wasn't even nice to my poor grandmother, I never wrote her back before she died.
Even if I suddenly become happy and a prolifer like everyone else besides us, I'll still be a monster. I'd just be ignoring everything I did wrong instead of trying to atone for it. It'd still weigh down on me, and nothing I ever do is going to fix it. I'm never going to happy.
I don't deserve a mercy like a death, but I have to die. Maybe if I'm lucky, someplace like hell really exists so I can rot there for eternity. I can't be a parasitic leech any longer. Even death, I'll be a monster, because I know my death is going to emotionally destroy him.
I want to apologize to everyone I've even talked to a hundred times over, but it'd be worthless. An apology does nothing, it's making up for it that matters. By dying, I'm appeasing everyone. Even the dead will happy with it. I can finally make it up to them, too.

I'm so sorry you're in such a state of distress. You're not a monster for wanting to die. Try not to blame yourself for things that have happened in the past, if possible. I wish you the best.

 

[icanhasnick]

Even if I suddenly become happy and a prolifer like everyone else besides us, I'll still be a monster.

That much would be true. Please do not become a prolifer.

I'll be a monster, because I know my death is going to emotionally destroy him.

So we can say you're not that bad after all, you just leech him for his own good, as to not take an alternative that would destroy him. Rite ? And it would also be for them that you ctb, or that you apologize or you don't or you this or that.

This is insane, do it for you as you prefer, not pretending that everything is about others. That would genuinely take you a giant step away from this "being a monster" thing.

 

[Panna]

I'm a monster. I haven't done any honest work for months, I leech off of my poor dad who doesn't know any better, and my horrible attitude towards my mother was probably a driving force in her suicide. Heck, I wasn't even nice to my poor grandmother, I never wrote her back before she died.
Even if I suddenly become happy and a prolifer like everyone else besides us, I'll still be a monster. I'd just be ignoring everything I did wrong instead of trying to atone for it. It'd still weigh down on me, and nothing I ever do is going to fix it. I'm never going to happy.
I don't deserve a mercy like a death, but I have to die. Maybe if I'm lucky, someplace like hell really exists so I can rot there for eternity. I can't be a parasitic leech any longer. Even death, I'll be a monster, because I know my death is going to emotionally destroy him.
I want to apologize to everyone I've even talked to a hundred times over, but it'd be worthless. An apology does nothing, it's making up for it that matters. By dying, I'm appeasing everyone. Even the dead will happy with it. I can finally make it up to them, too.

It's never too late to try, now Im not a optimistic, Life will get better if you try lolxd bleh, but some of the things you said struck a bit with me. My grandmother adored me as a child, always having me over, trying to be nice to me, and what did she get, rotting away in the nursing home, constantly wanting me to visit her and to love her just as she did for me and yet I was incapable of doing so due to being ingrateful. The same with my parents, over twenty now and yet they let me stay with them, dont want rent, dont want work, they just love seeing me, alongside my five brothers all of which I cant give the same emotion back too. My point is, the more that time has gone on, the more guilty ive felt desperately trying to find a means to make it up to everyone ive been around, and by simply doing my best to at least try to be what they want in their eyes, the feeling has somewhat gone away, being around them, trying to make them laugh and when theyre down. Im not a good person by any means but I try to use what time I have before I potentially ctb to help them have a good time.

 

[Meditation guide]

If you are indeed a monster you probably wouldn't feel bad about it or care.