HopelessBread
i feel hopeless
- Nov 6, 2024
- 3
I truly resent my existence. I was forced into a world without my consent, and I'll eventually need to have a job because of it. I've had a few here and there, and my first job is when I started experiencing suicidal thoughts, and every subsequent job has just made them worse. The thought of having to go to work every single day makes me feel immense dread, and I quickly begin contemplating my death. For me, working is pure hell. Every second spent at a job is worse than the last, by the end of my shift I'm left desperately hoping I die in a freak accident, or that somebody comes over and tries to kill me for whatever reason.
Having a job makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything. Any kind of maintenance for my body, or my room, or my belongings, becomes a complete nightmare of pure stress. I'm left desperately trying to finish the task as quickly as possible, hoping I can get just a few more seconds of time spent on the things I love, but it never works out that way. No matter how fast or slow I go, once I finally have those couple of hours to do anything, it's not fun. I begin a cycle of trying to figure out what I want to do, if any plans I made earlier in the day are actually good ideas. If I do something, I can't enjoy it. The creeping dread of going back to work haunts the back of my mind. I'm left constantly stressed about whether or not I'm wasting my time and if I should be doing something else. I'm left wasting away, spending most of my time on the verge of tears, frustrated at the fact I have so little time to do anything, but if I do anything I can't enjoy it regardless. Food doesn't even taste like anything when I have a job, so I can't even enjoy the foods I like.
The jobs themselves are always pure torture. I hate the sounds, I hate the smells, I hate how I have no personal space, I hate when I'm trying to do something and somebody interrupts me and I lose my train of thought, I hate how completely exhausted I feel as soon as I arrive at work. I hate the random bullshit I have to do, I hate doing anything because I'm forced to do it, I can only tolerate doing things if I choose to do them myself, but that isn't possible at a job. I hate how I get paid effectively nothing, that if any emergency were to happen, I'm completely screwed, regardless of how much of my life I've wasted at whatever hellhole I force myself to show up at every day. To me, employment is a form of absolute torture, I can't tolerate it at all.
I'm so much happier when I'm unemployed, but that comes at the cost of relying on other people's money, and I know I'm screwed if anything bad were to happen. It doesn't help that most of the jobs I can get here have some completely insane schedule, 12 hour shifts, or keeping me away from home for a month at a time. It's completely absurd to me. All I want is to enjoy my things in peace, to engage in the activities I love, in my own personal space. This isn't possible for me to achieve though. If I want my own house, I have to get a really well paying job, but that requires forcing myself through pure agony for the rest of my life. Going through school, and then getting a job doing something I absolutely despise. I could go for an apartment, but every apartment I've been in would quickly wear me down. They're so damn loud, it feels like there's no privacy at all, and I would have to deal with the constant stress of a neighbor screwing me over somehow. I would not be able to tolerate an apartment, but I could never afford a house of my own, so I'm stuck here, where I'm freeloading off of my family who probably hate me, who probably see me as a waste of space and a symbol of their failure to raise a kid capable of handling society. I feel awful for what I've done, I've wasted so many resources, so much of my family's money. I can't be forgiven for what I've done, it's my fault, but I don't know what else to do.
I can't survive having a job, I just can't. Even just applying for a job completely tanks my mental health, I only feel relief if I fail to get the job. Suicide is the only solution to this that I can think of. Winning the lottery isn't going to happen, so suicide is the only realistic option for me. I long for death, it is the only way I can be free of all of this. I did not ask to be born, I did not ever consent to existing in a world where I'm a slave to a cruel and inhumane system that would leave me for dead, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I suffered just to survive.
It doesn't help that it feels like the entire world is collapsing, and it doesn't help how much I absolutely despise my body, both for having been born male, and that I'll never be able to transition. I hate that I have to watch it actively deteriorate, losing the ability to do things as I get older, as I'm told over and over again that aging is "beautiful" for some bizarre reason. I hate having OCD, I hate having autism, and I hate having ADHD. I'm endlessly tortured by these things, I never get a break from them. It's not worth it to me to try and continue my existence. Only if I can achieve my ideal life would I stop constantly wishing for death, but that's never going to happen, so suicide is my solution to all of this. I could tolerate the OCD, autism, and ADHD, if only I had the money to live the life I want to live.
Of course, it isn't easy to CTB. I can't obtain any resources necessary to do it. I'm too far away from any stores to walk to them, any packages that arrive are opened and scanned, if I leave the house I would be immediately noticed. I can't CTB if I'm never in a position to even prepare an attempt. I just have to hope I get lucky enough to die, or that some miracle happens I have a solid window to obtain materials. I will never be able to live a life I can enjoy, and that makes me feel awful. I really wish I wasn't born. I never consented to my existence, and I know that they couldn't have asked me since I didn't exist, but I think that's why they shouldn't have had me. I'm sorry this is so long, I'm sorry I'm so whiny. I know so many people have it so much worse than I do, but I think I'm just mentally really weak. I really can't handle any of this. I'm sorry.
Having a job makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything. Any kind of maintenance for my body, or my room, or my belongings, becomes a complete nightmare of pure stress. I'm left desperately trying to finish the task as quickly as possible, hoping I can get just a few more seconds of time spent on the things I love, but it never works out that way. No matter how fast or slow I go, once I finally have those couple of hours to do anything, it's not fun. I begin a cycle of trying to figure out what I want to do, if any plans I made earlier in the day are actually good ideas. If I do something, I can't enjoy it. The creeping dread of going back to work haunts the back of my mind. I'm left constantly stressed about whether or not I'm wasting my time and if I should be doing something else. I'm left wasting away, spending most of my time on the verge of tears, frustrated at the fact I have so little time to do anything, but if I do anything I can't enjoy it regardless. Food doesn't even taste like anything when I have a job, so I can't even enjoy the foods I like.
The jobs themselves are always pure torture. I hate the sounds, I hate the smells, I hate how I have no personal space, I hate when I'm trying to do something and somebody interrupts me and I lose my train of thought, I hate how completely exhausted I feel as soon as I arrive at work. I hate the random bullshit I have to do, I hate doing anything because I'm forced to do it, I can only tolerate doing things if I choose to do them myself, but that isn't possible at a job. I hate how I get paid effectively nothing, that if any emergency were to happen, I'm completely screwed, regardless of how much of my life I've wasted at whatever hellhole I force myself to show up at every day. To me, employment is a form of absolute torture, I can't tolerate it at all.
I'm so much happier when I'm unemployed, but that comes at the cost of relying on other people's money, and I know I'm screwed if anything bad were to happen. It doesn't help that most of the jobs I can get here have some completely insane schedule, 12 hour shifts, or keeping me away from home for a month at a time. It's completely absurd to me. All I want is to enjoy my things in peace, to engage in the activities I love, in my own personal space. This isn't possible for me to achieve though. If I want my own house, I have to get a really well paying job, but that requires forcing myself through pure agony for the rest of my life. Going through school, and then getting a job doing something I absolutely despise. I could go for an apartment, but every apartment I've been in would quickly wear me down. They're so damn loud, it feels like there's no privacy at all, and I would have to deal with the constant stress of a neighbor screwing me over somehow. I would not be able to tolerate an apartment, but I could never afford a house of my own, so I'm stuck here, where I'm freeloading off of my family who probably hate me, who probably see me as a waste of space and a symbol of their failure to raise a kid capable of handling society. I feel awful for what I've done, I've wasted so many resources, so much of my family's money. I can't be forgiven for what I've done, it's my fault, but I don't know what else to do.
I can't survive having a job, I just can't. Even just applying for a job completely tanks my mental health, I only feel relief if I fail to get the job. Suicide is the only solution to this that I can think of. Winning the lottery isn't going to happen, so suicide is the only realistic option for me. I long for death, it is the only way I can be free of all of this. I did not ask to be born, I did not ever consent to existing in a world where I'm a slave to a cruel and inhumane system that would leave me for dead, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I suffered just to survive.
It doesn't help that it feels like the entire world is collapsing, and it doesn't help how much I absolutely despise my body, both for having been born male, and that I'll never be able to transition. I hate that I have to watch it actively deteriorate, losing the ability to do things as I get older, as I'm told over and over again that aging is "beautiful" for some bizarre reason. I hate having OCD, I hate having autism, and I hate having ADHD. I'm endlessly tortured by these things, I never get a break from them. It's not worth it to me to try and continue my existence. Only if I can achieve my ideal life would I stop constantly wishing for death, but that's never going to happen, so suicide is my solution to all of this. I could tolerate the OCD, autism, and ADHD, if only I had the money to live the life I want to live.
Of course, it isn't easy to CTB. I can't obtain any resources necessary to do it. I'm too far away from any stores to walk to them, any packages that arrive are opened and scanned, if I leave the house I would be immediately noticed. I can't CTB if I'm never in a position to even prepare an attempt. I just have to hope I get lucky enough to die, or that some miracle happens I have a solid window to obtain materials. I will never be able to live a life I can enjoy, and that makes me feel awful. I really wish I wasn't born. I never consented to my existence, and I know that they couldn't have asked me since I didn't exist, but I think that's why they shouldn't have had me. I'm sorry this is so long, I'm sorry I'm so whiny. I know so many people have it so much worse than I do, but I think I'm just mentally really weak. I really can't handle any of this. I'm sorry.
