orpheus_
Member
- Apr 26, 2024
- 61
I'm not a spiritual person in any way and I'm the "show me the scientific data" kind of guy. But fuck sometimes I really start to believe that a kind of weird supernatural "rule of reality" exists.. that when I'm feeling good, someone from the people I'm the closest with is suffering. And vice versa: when I'm suffering, that person is doing good. I feel like I'm their curse, and I should make myself suffer so they can have a better life. Much of my self harm was because of this.
I have this with my closest friend, it's always that when they're having a very bad day I'm having a great one for no reason, and when I'm feeling terrible then they are quite ok. There were a few months when I experienced the worst time of my life (for no reason) - and they had their best, like they mental problems suddendly started improving. Then it switched, I started getting better and almost immediately after that they got worse. And the more I'm sorting out my life, the more theirs is falling apart.
I sometimes think that the universe will be torturing us both until one of us commits suicide. And it should be me because I never want someone to die for my "happiness" (which will never come). I also know they have a real chance of having a good life if they solve some problems, and I'm just fucked for no obvious reason, I can get better and then I always go back to existential pain.
I once attempted (? Not really because I was only partially planning to die, I guess? It was weird) CTB by hanging because of this but when I kicked the stool and felt the terrible pain I just went, "no dude like what the fuck are you saying" and got my neck out of the noose because generally at that time I was aiming for recovery and trying to live.
It's weird, at the same time believing and not believing it. The "rational" side of me is like, "those are coincidences and confirmation bias", but on the other hand... Maybe I should die and give my loved ones a favor, just in case.
For context, I do not have mental disorders other than plain depression.
Posting this in recovery because the rational me is winning right now. But maybe the other one is not that wrong?
I have this with my closest friend, it's always that when they're having a very bad day I'm having a great one for no reason, and when I'm feeling terrible then they are quite ok. There were a few months when I experienced the worst time of my life (for no reason) - and they had their best, like they mental problems suddendly started improving. Then it switched, I started getting better and almost immediately after that they got worse. And the more I'm sorting out my life, the more theirs is falling apart.
I sometimes think that the universe will be torturing us both until one of us commits suicide. And it should be me because I never want someone to die for my "happiness" (which will never come). I also know they have a real chance of having a good life if they solve some problems, and I'm just fucked for no obvious reason, I can get better and then I always go back to existential pain.
I once attempted (? Not really because I was only partially planning to die, I guess? It was weird) CTB by hanging because of this but when I kicked the stool and felt the terrible pain I just went, "no dude like what the fuck are you saying" and got my neck out of the noose because generally at that time I was aiming for recovery and trying to live.
It's weird, at the same time believing and not believing it. The "rational" side of me is like, "those are coincidences and confirmation bias", but on the other hand... Maybe I should die and give my loved ones a favor, just in case.
For context, I do not have mental disorders other than plain depression.
Posting this in recovery because the rational me is winning right now. But maybe the other one is not that wrong?
