I’m a burden

[moonangel18]

Feels like I'm such a burden to everyone.
I'm 31 and I can't do anything right for my life.
I'm a burden to my family, my friends and my boyfriend.
I just want to ctb real bad. But this pandemic is making this situation worse.
I just can't go out because I can't even drive. I don't have my own car. Commuting is the worst in my country right now. I don't have work right now so I'm living with the family.
I just want to ctb soon.

 

[Mundi]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling now. Those sound like really difficult situations. Is the suicide ideation new and triggered because of these circumstances, or ongoing for a while?

 

[moonangel18]

I've been having suicidal ideation since I was like in highschool. I went to a psychiatrist once but I can't even tell him the whole truth. I have SN with me but I can't even use it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling now. Those sound like really difficult situations. Is the suicide ideation new and triggered because of these circumstances, or ongoing for a while?

I've been having suicidal ideation since I was like in highschool. I went to a psychiatrist once but I can't even tell him the whole truth. I have SN with me but I can't even use it.

 

[Mundi]

I also have struggled with telling psychiatrists and other doctors the whole truth. What are the barriers for you?

 

[moonangel18]

I also have struggled with telling psychiatrists and other doctors the whole truth. What are the barriers for you?

Because I'm a medical professional as well.
It's sad right?
I feel like my life is out of my control. My parents are too overprotective. I'm asian and lives in an Asian country. They won't allow me to practice my profession bec of coronavirus. Because of that, I can't go to work. I'm pretty useless for a 31 year old.

 

[Mundi]

I don't doubt what you're feeling. I'm a lawyer and I often feel useless and despondent, so I get it. But it sounds like you have a lot of training in a valuable field! COVID-19 won't last forever, and it sounds like there are opportunities for you after that? I also think measuring our worth by our productivity is a harmful construct. Most of us would agree that everyone, regardless of occupation, deserve love and appreciation.

 

[moonangel18]

I don't doubt what you're feeling. I'm a lawyer and I often feel useless and despondent, so I get it. But it sounds like you have a lot of training in a valuable field! COVID-19 won't last forever, and it sounds like there are opportunities for you after that? I also think measuring our worth by our productivity is a harmful construct. Most of us would agree that everyone, regardless of occupation, deserve love and appreciation.

I can't really understand myself. I just worry too much. CTB is something that makes me feel at ease and at peace. I'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend 'cause I feel like I'm just a burden to him but I can't do it because I really love him. He knows about my condition and he is really supportive and caring which I'm really grateful for. But without me, I know he'll find someone who's much worthy of his time and love.

 

[Mundi]

I feel entirely the same way about my boyfriend, who is amazing and loving and supportive! I have actually tried to convince him to break up with me and find someone better.

But in my better moments, and as he has reminded me many times, he also has the right to choose. Your boyfriend chooses to stay with you because for him you are worth it. And aren't we all pro-choice here? ;) His choice is valid too.

 

[moonangel18]

I feel entirely the same way about my boyfriend, who is amazing and loving and supportive! I have actually tried to convince him to break up with me and find someone better.

But in my better moments, and as he has reminded me many times, he also has the right to choose. Your boyfriend chooses to stay with you because for him you are worth it. And aren't we all pro-choice here? ;) His choice is valid too.

Thank you for this Mundi. You're right, I have to respect his choice too.
It's really nice to meet you here.

 

[Mundi]

So good to meet you too Sending you love tonight.