Venting Ill lose everything eventually.

[MsPotts]

So I have always been incredibly depressed, and I didnt want to be here past 25, shit I didnt want to be here past 12, but now that I'm past my desired "expiration date" I feel like a complete failure.

I lost my girlfriend of 7 years because I ran away to Florida to see what it was like to have sex with men. (I've only ever been in lesbian relationships). And I broke her heart. I'd been manic the entire time, as well as on drugs and constantly drinking. I always thought we would get back together.

While I was in Florida I was sexually assaulted, my best friend died on July 4th in a motor ylxe accident, and then I left my job and I moved back to Minnesota once I realized I had nothing going for me in Florida.

Everything was going well ladi di da, I'm rambling at this point. Lemme just skip to right now.

I lost my job before xmas due to them shutting down, I havent been going to the gym, I have no income, I live alone, I cant afford rent, I had to re home my pets, my ex said she never wants me again, im fucking hideous and fat, I owe tens of thousands of dollars to hospitals for all my stays, and eventually my loved ones will die. So what the actual fucking point.

I dont want my "life" to be an every day coping method, or some distraction. All these people who have good lives I feel are just distracting themselves from the reality of death. I dont want that for myself.

I'm struggling so hard to find the right method. And I dont want to fo alone. Fuck.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Hard as it is to believe, there are happy people out there. I am not one of them, but I know some. They are lovely people living lives I can't imagine.

But some days. it's okay to be me. The financial pressures feel less horrible, the sun shines, my bipolar is under control and I'm doing something I enjoy.

Are there no better days for you? Doesn't have to be good, just better than now.

 

[Pol]

I can understand how you feel when you said "life" is just a distraction or coping mechanism. That's I how I see it sometimes.
sad to hear you had to re-home your pets.

 

[Ghost2211]

That is a lot to endure. My heart goes out to you. Sometimes life can be like a rolling ball we cant stop till it loses momentum. I can totally relate to each day just being one coping mechanism after another while waiting for the axe to drop.

We are here for you. You've found a group that will listen and not judge. I hope your journey brings you peace and reliefs, whichever path you choose.

 

[MsPotts]

Hard as it is to believe, there are happy people out there. I am not one of them, but I know some. They are lovely people living lives I can't imagine.

But some days. it's okay to be me. The financial pressures feel less horrible, the sun shines, my bipolar is under control and I'm doing something I enjoy.

Are there no better days for you? Doesn't have to be good, just better than now.

I dont feel like there are better days. Every day of not working, of slipping farther away from someone I wanted to spend my eternity with, of getting closer to losing my aunt or my mom, it gets harder and heavier. I'm just going to be a disappointment to everyone anyway. It pointless really. It's so hard.

That is a lot to endure. My heart goes out to you. Sometimes life can be like a rolling ball we cant stop till it loses momentum. I can totally relate to each day just being one coping mechanism after another while waiting for the axe to drop.

We are here for you. You've found a group that will listen and not judge. I hope your journey brings you peace and reliefs, whichever path you choose.

That's a great way to describe it. Thank you so kindly. I think having sound people who can relate and support me will make whatever I chose easier. Thank you so much.

 

[S1mpleme]

So I have always been incredibly depressed, and I didnt want to be here past 25, shit I didnt want to be here past 12, but now that I'm past my desired "expiration date" I feel like a complete failure.

I lost my girlfriend of 7 years because I ran away to Florida to see what it was like to have sex with men. (I've only ever been in lesbian relationships). And I broke her heart. I'd been manic the entire time, as well as on drugs and constantly drinking. I always thought we would get back together.

While I was in Florida I was sexually assaulted, my best friend died on July 4th in a motor ylxe accident, and then I left my job and I moved back to Minnesota once I realized I had nothing going for me in Florida.

Everything was going well ladi di da, I'm rambling at this point. Lemme just skip to right now.

I lost my job before xmas due to them shutting down, I havent been going to the gym, I have no income, I live alone, I cant afford rent, I had to re home my pets, my ex said she never wants me again, im fucking hideous and fat, I owe tens of thousands of dollars to hospitals for all my stays, and eventually my loved ones will die. So what the actual fucking point.

I dont want my "life" to be an every day coping method, or some distraction. All these people who have good lives I feel are just distracting themselves from the reality of death. I dont want that for myself.

I'm struggling so hard to find the right method. And I dont want to fo alone. Fuck.

Lots of things happened to you. I can't get back your friend who died or your ex, but if you want I can help you with apartment and to find a job, otherwise if you'd like to CTB and not alone, then we can do it together, cause I actually want to do it.

 

[MsPotts]

The funniest thing is, that is only half of whats been happening in my life. So many other details and things that have gone on that just tear a person down.
I just want someone to hold my hand while it happens.... I hate being alone.

 

[randomz]

The funniest thing is, that is only half of whats been happening in my life. So many other details and things that have gone on that just tear a person down.
I just want someone to hold my hand while it happens.... I hate being alone.

I also feel like every day is just about finding way to distract myself and cope with my overhwelming depression and anxiety.

You are not alone here. We will be here with you when you need us. I am sorry for what happened to you. I believe you can find a job and at least make the money problems a bit more bearable.

 

[MsPotts]

I also feel like every day is just about finding way to distract myself and cope with my overhwelming depression and anxiety.

You are not alone here. We will be here with you when you need us. I am sorry for what happened to you. I believe you can find a job and at least make the money problems a bit more bearable.

Even if I mad a million dollars, I think I struggle mentally too much for it to make a difference. I wish I had a job doing what I love. Distractions can have their benefits. I used to love hobbies. Now my friends have to take me shopping and do my dishes. I suck. I'm such a burden. Lol I'm also good at talking too much.

I can understand how you feel when you said "life" is just a distraction or coping mechanism. That's I how I see it sometimes.
sad to hear you had to re-home your pets.

Me too. They were the cutest little rats. I was threatened with eviction if I didnt get rid of them. I did find them a happy home. One better than I could have provided. Which is sad in itself.

 

[S1mpleme]

Even if I mad a million dollars, I think I struggle mentally too much for it to make a difference. I wish I had a job doing what I love. Distractions can have their benefits. I used to love hobbies. Now my friends have to take me shopping and do my dishes. I suck. I'm such a burden. Lol I'm also good at talking too much.

That's just paper, it won't make you happy. At least you have such friends, I don't have any for example and have to deal with everything on my own. Do you know what kind of job would you love to do? As I wrote, I don't me to help you, but only you know what's better for you.

 

[MsPotts]

That's just paper, it won't make you happy. At least you have such friends, I don't have any for example and have to deal with everything on my own. Do you know what kind of job would you love to do? As I wrote, I don't me to help you, but only you know what's better for you.

I should have specified, I have 1 friend who does all this for me. She does it becuase she knows I want to leave. Shes scared.
I'm sorry you are alone and have to deal with things by yourself. You have atleat 1 person here who can show you support however you may need it.
I want to own a vegan cafe and bakery. What about you?

 

[S1mpleme]

I should have specified, I have 1 friend who does all this for me. She does it becuase she knows I want to leave. Shes scared.
I'm sorry you are alone and have to deal with things by yourself. You have atleat 1 person here who can show you support however you may need it.
I want to own a vegan cafe and bakery. What about you?

She loves you that's why she scared. Maybe you don't have to leave her? What if you will never find someone like her again? I just want to have family. I don't need money or anything else.

 

[MsPotts]

She loves you that's why she scared. Maybe you don't have to leave her? What if you will never find someone like her again? I just want to have family. I don't need money or anything else.

I've lost the love of my life, I dont want to find anyone new. This friend is just a friend, and she'll move on.

Do you not have any family?

 

[S1mpleme]

I've lost the love of my life, I dont want to find anyone new. This friend is just a friend, and she'll move on.

Do you not have any family?

I don't know what love is, but I bet it's painful to lost someone. Friend is also important, she takes care of you and that's something, besides that how you do you know about her feelings, what if you hurt her? I don't have even a single person in this world, completely alone.

 

[Naysha]

So I have always been incredibly depressed, and I didnt want to be here past 25, shit I didnt want to be here past 12, but now that I'm past my desired "expiration date" I feel like a complete failure.

I lost my girlfriend of 7 years because I ran away to Florida to see what it was like to have sex with men. (I've only ever been in lesbian relationships). And I broke her heart. I'd been manic the entire time, as well as on drugs and constantly drinking. I always thought we would get back together.

While I was in Florida I was sexually assaulted, my best friend died on July 4th in a motor ylxe accident, and then I left my job and I moved back to Minnesota once I realized I had nothing going for me in Florida.

Everything was going well ladi di da, I'm rambling at this point. Lemme just skip to right now.

I lost my job before xmas due to them shutting down, I havent been going to the gym, I have no income, I live alone, I cant afford rent, I had to re home my pets, my ex said she never wants me again, im fucking hideous and fat, I owe tens of thousands of dollars to hospitals for all my stays, and eventually my loved ones will die. So what the actual fucking point.

I dont want my "life" to be an every day coping method, or some distraction. All these people who have good lives I feel are just distracting themselves from the reality of death. I dont want that for myself.

I'm struggling so hard to find the right method. And I dont want to fo alone. Fuck.

I had manic episode akin to this as well, I broke my heart of my bf when I tried to behave " normal", basically what my family expected to me - a good girl that will find a man. Ended up not liking normal men and not liking the fact I was born a girl (I never liked it but I thought I could get my shit together somehow, just that weird nagging feeling of something is wrong with me). But out of sheer luck I guess or pure love I have no idea, my bf accepted me back and I am not going to do this shit ever again, it was bullshit on my side and foolish. I wish your gf would see it the same way but it's hard and the reason I am not alone somewhere in a ditch is because my bf is such an unique person and has such a good heart I still hate myself over what I did to him and for nothing on top of that. The rest I have to agree with. I loathe being 25, I loathe living to that age and I cope everyday (pretty badly) with the fact everyone is going to die anyway and losing more and more relatives. It's horrible, I hate whoever thought bringing kids into this world is worth it, those people will never get an ounce of sympathy from me.

 

[MsPotts]

I had manic episode akin to this as well, I broke my heart of my bf when I tried to behave " normal", basically what my family expected to me - a good girl that will find a man. Ended up not liking normal men and not liking the fact I was born a girl (I never liked it but I thought I could get my shit together somehow, just that weird nagging feeling of something is wrong with me). But out of sheer luck I guess or pure love I have no idea, my bf accepted me back and I am not going to do this shit ever again, it was bullshit on my side and foolish. I wish your gf would see it the same way but it's hard and the reason I am not alone somewhere in a ditch is because my bf is such an unique person and has such a good heart I still hate myself over what I did to him and for nothing on top of that. The rest I have to agree with. I loathe being 25, I loathe living to that age and I cope everyday (pretty badly) with the fact everyone is going to die anyway and losing more and more relatives. It's horrible, I hate whoever thought bringing kids into this world is worth it, those people will never get an ounce of sympathy from me.

I'm happy for you that your bf took you back. I have no one to tell her how sorry and messed up I was. She doesn't want me. And I'm hurting so badly. I messed up and wont ever forgive myself. I deserve to be sad. I'm so scared of losing my mom. It's a sick joke to get better and be happy and cope and be "normal" just to wait until people die.

 

[Naysha]

I'm happy for you that your bf took you back. I have no one to tell her how sorry and messed up I was. She doesn't want me. And I'm hurting so badly. I messed up and wont ever forgive myself. I deserve to be sad. I'm so scared of losing my mom. It's a sick joke to get better and be happy and cope and be "normal" just to wait until people die.

I am so truly sorry it ended like this. But to console you somehow which I still can't do honestly is that my bf didn't really got a win-win situation because I suck as a person and constantly fight with depression on a daily basis.

 

[S1mpleme]

I'm happy for you that your bf took you back. I have no one to tell her how sorry and messed up I was. She doesn't want me. And I'm hurting so badly. I messed up and wont ever forgive myself. I deserve to be sad. I'm so scared of losing my mom. It's a sick joke to get better and be happy and cope and be "normal" just to wait until people die.

I can tell your girlfriend how sorry are you.

 

[MsPotts]

I can tell your girlfriend how sorry are you.

I wish it was that simple. Shell say she knows, but it's not what she wants. I appreciate you though.

I am so truly sorry it ended like this. But to console you somehow which I still can't do honestly is that my bf didn't really got a win-win situation because I suck as a person and constantly fight with depression on a daily basis.

I am also battling major depression every day. But he must not think you suck that bad, if he stays with you. You have some major quality in you somewhere that shines through.

 

[Ghost2211]

I know how you feel. its a special flavor of messed up when we love someone, and they stop loving us. it is good you have a close friend, and this is a perfect place to express the things in person friends can't handle.

Losing pets is so hard. I used to have pet rats as well. They are such wonderful animals. If you had more than one they still have each other, so they still have their colony.

Depression is a terrible pit to get out of sometimes, but people helping you means they care about you. You're not a burden for needing help, and it often makes people feel good to help others.

 

[MsPotts]

I know how you feel. its a special flavor of messed up when we love someone, and they stop loving us. it is good you have a close friend, and this is a perfect place to express the things in person friends can't handle.

Losing pets is so hard. I used to have pet rats as well. They are such wonderful animals. If you had more than one they still have each other, so they still have their colony.

Depression is a terrible pit to get out of sometimes, but people helping you means they care about you. You're not a burden for needing help, and it often makes people feel good to help others.

Luckily my rats have each other. So I'm happy for them.

Asking for help seems weak sometimes. I dont want to be attention seeking.

I love to help others.

 

[HannahB]

I understand. I feel like life is just about accumulating losses. Those are the milestones for me. I know itll never really get better and so obviously it can only ever get worse. The worst part is I could survive tell 99 and still feel this way when I get there.. like it wasn't worth it but I'm to scared to let go... its torture.

 

[freaky3600]

Asking for help seems weak sometimes. I dont want to be attention seeking.

I love to help others.

I feel the same way. I don't want to burden anyone close to me with my problems and hassles. I'm not worth the effort and no sense in doing anything different.

Sorry to hear about your long string of bad luck. When it rains, it pours. I am constantly feeling like the other shoe is going to drop at some point. Even though I am expecting something to happen, I am still blindsided when it does.

You're super lucky to have a friend like that at your side that can support you when you need it.

 

[MsPotts]

I understand. I feel like life is just about accumulating losses. Those are the milestones for me. I know itll never really get better and so obviously it can only ever get worse. The worst part is I could survive tell 99 and still feel this way when I get there.. like it wasn't worth it but I'm to scared to let go... its torture.

Perfectly stated. I'm sorry we both have to feel this. It's just an always heavy crushing weight.

 

[HannahB]

Perfectly stated. I'm sorry we both have to feel this. It's just an always heavy crushing weight.

My councilor calls these 'ice berg moments'. Moments that you can feel the crushing weight of everything below the surface. It may seem like my current situation is what is causing these feelings but its everything. The worlds stance towards LGBTQ people that I deal with my job, my relationships, my family, its everything. If theres one thing I can tell you its: dont neglect those parts that are hurting. Sometimes life makes us put them on a side burner because of shame or obligation.. but dont forget they are there and they are a part of you that deserves love too.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and how it made a turn for the worst. It is really daunting and harrowing to lose a lot and have a lot spiral downwards. Whatever choice you decide, I hope you are able to find peace.

 

[AlexanderJU1984]

Death seems so calming all the time. The only way to make things stop. I dunno why I just don't do it. I guess I'm waiting for something to get irreplaceably broken.
I'm really sorry about your girlfriend. I do hope things work out between you to.