Discussion If you're autistic, how do you feel about your autism?

[lonelyloner1999]

Before I block you, I gotta ask: what exactly is your goal here? Do you honestly think you can singlehandedly disprove a neurological condition's existence just because people can learn social skills? I'm very curious.

I'm not trying to prove disprove anything here even though my research does disprove it. I'm trying to help those who feel suicidal or low because of the label. That is my aim here.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Ashamed. I was diagnosed too late to be able to receive any support for it, and I'm developmentally stunted as a result. Have to constantly fight with my own executive dysfunction to be able to do anything, and I don't have friends because socializing is extremely difficult for me.

Even the supposed upside (special interests and the passion that comes from them) doesn't even feel like much of an upside. They're little more than obsessions that my mind fixate on because I can never do anything with them. What's the point of having special interests if I can't translate them into anything, like so many autistic people seemingly can? There's this perception that even though autistic people are lacking in some areas, they excel in others. I have yet to do so, because my best is painfully average by comparison.

I wish I could take pride in it like a lot of other autistic people can, but I don't see it as anything other than a hindrance.

I was lucky enough to get it early so I could get speech therapy. My speech was very delayed, and I couldn't even pronounce "R" sounds until I was 9. Even with the little help I got it still felt like I was out here playing on ultra nightmare mode while everyone else was on normal, as far as social circles go anyways. So I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to not receive any help at all from such a young age.

My "Special interest" if you can call it that are computers and video games. I tried going down the computer science route and failed. Now it's just video games. What a useful skill to have when you need to pay bills right? But hey at least I can tell people that I'm good at a couple games! I don't think the perception people have is entirely accurate. I've known of a few that are just total degens and their life is completely ruined. Maybe they excel at fucking up their life? What are your interests anyways? Maybe an outside perspective can help you leverage them. I'd be willing to try. I can't guarantee you anything though.

I don't know how many people take pride in it. I do know that the #1 cause of death among autistic people is suicide. Maybe that's more telling than anything else. I made a whole thread about it if you want to depress yourself. Many people have a perception that it's a mild setback. It isn't. Not even close.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

I was lucky enough to get it early so I could get speech therapy. My speech was very delayed, and I couldn't even pronounce "R" sounds until I was 9. Even with the little help I got it still felt like I was out here playing on ultra nightmare mode while everyone else was on normal, as far as social circles go anyways. So I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to not receive any help at all from such a young age.

My "Special interest" if you can call it that are computers and video games. I tried going down the computer science route and failed. Now it's just video games. What a useful skill to have when you need to pay bills right? But hey at least I can tell people that I'm good at a couple games! I don't think the perception people have is entirely accurate. I've known of a few that are just total degens and their life is completely ruined. Maybe they excel at fucking up their life? What are your interests anyways? Maybe an outside perspective can help you leverage them. I'd be willing to try. I can't guarantee you anything though.

I don't know how many people take pride in it. I do know that the #1 cause of death among autistic people is suicide. Maybe that's more telling than anything else. I made a whole thread about it if you want to depress yourself. Many people have a perception that it's a mild setback. It isn't. Not even close.

What level did you get to in the computer science field?

 

[dragonofenvy]

idk it's just kinda funny now i guess

What's funny about it if you don't mind me asking? I know some are kinda quirky and hilarious to be around since they make jokes and are self-deprecating. I sometimes try to be.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

I feel meh about it. I like aspects and hate others its mixed.. depends on the day and what is going on ig / how its impacting me.

 

[dragonofenvy]

What level did you get to in the computer science field?

College. All course work complete with a perfect GPA. Needed an internship to graduate. Never got one. Never got the piece of paper that said I was smart. Variety of reasons for this, COVID being one of them since this was during all the lockdowns. I thought maybe my resume was bad, but my instructors insisted that "this is the best resume I've seen in the class so far". Unlucky I guess. Or affirmative action kicked my ass. Who knows? So usually I just spend what knowledge I did get making little mods for myself for games that have something in them I don't like provided it isn't an enormous effort. My job now is as a delivery driver.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

College. All course work complete with a perfect GPA. Needed an internship to graduate. Never got one. Never got the piece of paper that said I was smart. Variety of reasons for this, COVID being one of them since this was during all the lockdowns. I thought maybe my resume was bad, but my instructors insisted that "this is the best resume I've seen in the class so far". Unlucky I guess. Or affirmative action kicked my ass. Who knows? So usually I just spend what knowledge I did get making little mods for myself for games that have something in them I don't like provided it isn't an enormous effort. My job now is as a delivery driver.

You tried live streaming? Maybe you can turn your passion for gaming into something that can generate some income for you.

 

[dragonofenvy]

You tried live streaming? Maybe you can turn your passion for gaming into something that can generate some income for you.

I've thought about it here and there. Here's a big problem with someone like me - I've spent my entire life trying, and failing nearly everything. So to convince me to try something new when I've failed so much is going to be difficult. I can come up with any excuse to not do it. Better to try to achieve a small goal to allow myself to think that it is possible to do something. I just have never been able to think about what small goal is meaningful enough for me to take pride in it.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

College. All course work complete with a perfect GPA. Needed an internship to graduate. Never got one. Never got the piece of paper that said I was smart. Variety of reasons for this, COVID being one of them since this was during all the lockdowns. I thought maybe my resume was bad, but my instructors insisted that "this is the best resume I've seen in the class so far". Unlucky I guess. Or affirmative action kicked my ass. Who knows? So usually I just spend what knowledge I did get making little mods for myself for games that have something in them I don't like provided it isn't an enormous effort. My job now is as a delivery driver.

I know of others that got into computer science without a College/University (where I'm from) degree. Look into bootcamps that hire you out to other companies temporarily. They will pay less to start off with but its a Good stepping stone. Once you have experience in the corporate setting getting more jobs becomes easier.

I've thought about it here and there. Here's a big problem with someone like me - I've spent my entire life trying, and failing nearly everything. So to convince me to try something new when I've failed so much is going to be difficult. I can come up with any excuse to not do it. Better to try to achieve a small goal to allow myself to think that it is possible to do something. I just have never been able to think about what small goal is meaningful enough for me to take pride in it.

I've tried and failed at many things as well. Feeling like a failure is hard to deal with. But if you don't keep trying then you are guaranteed to fail. You are entitled to feel how you I feel but if you don't like how feel and want to feel better the best chance you have is to keep trying and trying.

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

I was lucky enough to get it early so I could get speech therapy. My speech was very delayed, and I couldn't even pronounce "R" sounds until I was 9. Even with the little help I got it still felt like I was out here playing on ultra nightmare mode while everyone else was on normal, as far as social circles go anyways. So I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to not receive any help at all from such a young age.

My "Special interest" if you can call it that are computers and video games. I tried going down the computer science route and failed. Now it's just video games. What a useful skill to have when you need to pay bills right? But hey at least I can tell people that I'm good at a couple games! I don't think the perception people have is entirely accurate. I've known of a few that are just total degens and their life is completely ruined. Maybe they excel at fucking up their life? What are your interests anyways? Maybe an outside perspective can help you leverage them. I'd be willing to try. I can't guarantee you anything though.

I don't know how many people take pride in it. I do know that the #1 cause of death among autistic people is suicide. Maybe that's more telling than anything else. I made a whole thread about it if you want to depress yourself. Many people have a perception that it's a mild setback. It isn't. Not even close.

Oh I am keenly aware of the statistics; it's part of why I want to CTB. Nearly every demographic I'm part of has statistics pointing to an early grave for me.

Supposedly I'm on the lower end of the spectrum, so I can plausibly pass as neurotypical in most encounters (though this is becoming less true as I've gotten older). I didn't have any issues with speaking growing up, but I was/am prone to emotional outbursts because I'm overwhelmed or frustrated with something (meltdowns, as I now know them). I would regularly be seeing school counselors and therapists because of it and because I would be falling behind in school, but nobody considered autism as a possibility because I didn't show any obvious speech impediments. No, I was just lazy and acting out, or I was just depressed. It took me getting put in a psych ward to even get a diagnosis.

As for special interests, I kinda share your experience with that interest in computers and games. Went into compsci and was training to become a sysadmin, but gave up because it requires a lot of driving (I can't drive) and often requires you to come in at a moment's notice even on days off. I play a lot of video games still, but I'm not particularly good at any of them. I have a specific fascination with fighting games, but I recently had to give those up because I'm not able to get past my defeatist mindset and because my work schedule doesn't allow me to go to locals or tournaments. I also have obsessions with particular shows or anime, but I'm not able to say anything that hasn't already been said about them.

The pride aspect regarding autism is a more recent development as neurodivergence is more widely recognized and understood, so a lot of younger people especially are adopting it as part of their identity. There's a lot of creative types that self-identify as autistic or ND in some capacity, which contributes to this idea that autistic people are in fact gifted and just need to play into their special interests to hone their abilities. I know the savant stereotype isn't accurate to the lived experience of being autistic, but I can't help but feel like I'm some sort of fraud because I don't have some unique skillset or ability that I can derive from my interests.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

Oh I am keenly aware of the statistics; it's part of why I want to CTB. Nearly every demographic I'm part of has statistics pointing to an early grave for me.

Supposedly I'm on the lower end of the spectrum, so I can plausibly pass as neurotypical in most encounters (though this is becoming less true as I've gotten older). I didn't have any issues with speaking growing up, but I was/am prone to emotional outbursts because I'm overwhelmed or frustrated with something (meltdowns, as I now know them). I would regularly be seeing school counselors and therapists because of it and because I would be falling behind in school, but nobody considered autism as a possibility because I didn't show any obvious speech impediments. No, I was just lazy and acting out, or I was just depressed. It took me getting put in a psych ward to even get a diagnosis.

As for special interests, I kinda share your experience with that interest in computers and games. Went into compsci and was training to become a sysadmin, but gave up because it requires a lot of driving (I can't drive) and often requires you to come in at a moment's notice even on days off. I play a lot of video games still, but I'm not particularly good at any of them. I have a specific fascination with fighting games, but I recently had to give those up because I'm not able to get past my defeatist mindset and because my work schedule doesn't allow me to go to locals or tournaments. I also have obsessions with particular shows or anime, but I'm not able to say anything that hasn't already been said about them.

The pride aspect regarding autism is a more recent development as neurodivergence is more widely recognized and understood, so a lot of younger people especially are adopting it as part of their identity. There's a lot of creative types that self-identify as autistic or ND in some capacity, which contributes to this idea that autistic people are in fact gifted and just need to play into their special interests to hone their abilities. I know the savant stereotype isn't accurate to the lived experience of being autistic, but I can't help but feel like I'm some sort of fraud because I don't have some unique skillset or ability that I can derive from my interests.

I don't see anything wrong with your interests. They seem like normal healthy interests to me.

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

I don't see anything wrong with your interests. They seem like normal healthy interests to me.

The interests themselves aren't the problem. It's that I'm not able or willing to use them to make something meaningful, like I stated.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Because you are smarter. That is why. Dumber people cant comprehend the fact that someone could be so much more intellectual than them it burns them to the core. I grew up bullied and the psychologist would label me "autistic" I have done so much research into this. Trust me. A lot of these tests are based on me in my younger years. Most of the symptoms of "autism" stem from childhood neglect. The people that studied psychology around my age bracket were the less intelligent so you have to take what they say with a grain of salt.

This is cope.

 

[CogitoMori]

I hate it. There's no way to be loved or function in this world with it.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

This is cope.

Its truth.

I hate it. There's no way to be loved or function in this world with it.

Learn to love yourself First. Love yourself first before looking for any kind of external validation.

Oh I am keenly aware of the statistics; it's part of why I want to CTB. Nearly every demographic I'm part of has statistics pointing to an early grave for me.

Supposedly I'm on the lower end of the spectrum, so I can plausibly pass as neurotypical in most encounters (though this is becoming less true as I've gotten older). I didn't have any issues with speaking growing up, but I was/am prone to emotional outbursts because I'm overwhelmed or frustrated with something (meltdowns, as I now know them). I would regularly be seeing school counselors and therapists because of it and because I would be falling behind in school, but nobody considered autism as a possibility because I didn't show any obvious speech impediments. No, I was just lazy and acting out, or I was just depressed. It took me getting put in a psych ward to even get a diagnosis.

As for special interests, I kinda share your experience with that interest in computers and games. Went into compsci and was training to become a sysadmin, but gave up because it requires a lot of driving (I can't drive) and often requires you to come in at a moment's notice even on days off. I play a lot of video games still, but I'm not particularly good at any of them. I have a specific fascination with fighting games, but I recently had to give those up because I'm not able to get past my defeatist mindset and because my work schedule doesn't allow me to go to locals or tournaments. I also have obsessions with particular shows or anime, but I'm not able to say anything that hasn't already been said about them.

The pride aspect regarding autism is a more recent development as neurodivergence is more widely recognized and understood, so a lot of younger people especially are adopting it as part of their identity. There's a lot of creative types that self-identify as autistic or ND in some capacity, which contributes to this idea that autistic people are in fact gifted and just need to play into their special interests to hone their abilities. I know the savant stereotype isn't accurate to the lived experience of being autistic, but I can't help but feel like I'm some sort of fraud because I don't have some unique skillset or ability that I can derive from my interests.

Early grave is a lie. I've barely aged compared to my peers. Read the bible. Download the bible app and read it regularly trust me.Even if you are not religious it does help.

"The interests themselves aren't the problem. It's that I'm not able or willing to use them to make something meaningful, like I stated."
Have you tried the gaming live streaming?
You play any Roblox?
Try live streaming popular Roblox games.
You could try faceless or face on.
I think YouTube would be a Good platform to do it.
Just make sure you don't use your gift for bad.
Entertain the youngsters.
Scratch their back when they are young and they will remember and scratch yours when they grow older and if you ever need of any assistance.

 

[banger12]

I truly and genuinely believe it makes me subhuman. I am immeasurably a worse person in every conceivable way due to both my autism and my interactions with other autistic people. I am so envious of people who are so neurotypical they don't even know what autism is that I just want to crush them into a pulp. But lately I've taught myself to relish in making other people's lives worse, so I'm actually starting to enjoy being the worthless leech that I am. Yeeeesssss… waste your resources on me… I'm coming to take everything from you… it's actually kinda anti-establishment and will hasten human extinction in some small way, which is actually kinda good. I guess I'm the kind of person who can find a silver lining in everything!

I can relate to some of this. I wouldn't go as far as you but I can completely understand feeling both resentful and envious of non-autistics. But I try to remind myself that neither mindset is healthy.

I know for 100% certainty that if I wasn't autistic I would've been happy. Instead I am made to suffer horribly. Even the "intellect" it gave me doesn't do anything for me other than make me realize how bad my life is. I do not want to be unique nor would I wish "uniqueness" on anybody. I even went as far as to make an entire thread about how autistic people are victimized with stats and sources and everything. It isn't something I could fathom viewing positively.


Not from what I've seen in psychological literature and from my own personal experiences. If it's real then why is my brain 20% bigger than everyone else's? How is it that most autistic people have, for example, sensory issues? How is it that people can have a ton of overlapping personality traits that are not the same as everybody else's and not have the label they put on it be false? Most disorders are arbitrarily judged yes, but if we go down that logic then depression isn't real. OCD isn't real. ADHD isn't real etc. The problem with being who you are in this case is that who you are isn't good enough for people. I tried being who I was and oh boy did that not work in the slightest. Being fake is what made people even bother to talk to me.

Hey sorry for the super late reply. My bad. Would you mind linking that post? As someone who is also autistic, I'm deeply interested in what you've said. Also I'm so sorry for the life you've had to experience because of your autism.

I wouldn't have any problem with it if I could live in a different society/planet.
Currently the way this world works is extremely painful, stressful, tiring for me, i'm sure many of you can relate. :(
I don't think there's anything wrong with me.
I just think this world was built to destroy everyone who is not coping well with being a slave.

I'm so sorry. And yeah its a relatable feeling. Given that the majority of people are non-autistic the world feels kinda alien to us and operates in a way that feels counterintuitive to us, because it wasn't designed for us. Which in my mind is fine, it only makes sense that the world would reflect the majority but it feels terrible if you're not them. And none of us are them.

Sorry I didn't see or respond to this earlier btw. I haven't checked SaSu in a couple days and I'm now gonna try to catch up on responses to th8s thread gradually in the next day or two.

Best wishes.

its okay if you want to vent about anything you think your autism has influenced and caused as you made this thread about autism so anyone should be able to vent their problems with it here. <3

I'm sorry that I've been so slow to reply. Trying to fix it.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I don't know if I belong here or not — as I honestly have no idea what is real anymore with me, but autism is very much in fact real, and know because I have met many different types of autistic and Aspergers syndrome people with them, and there were always discussions about whether I was autistic or not, but I was categorized with Aspergers syndrome, and when I went to have speech therapy classes growing up, they would classify me with those characteristics... realistically, I just see myself with ADHD and having very hyper deficit disordered patterns and perhaps as a child I delt with it, but because my personality would accumulate people into thinking this about me, I perhaps would place myself somewhat into sharing my journey...


I don't have an issue with it and I do not care about it. I hate this world and it should go to hell, and autistic people deserve better... I don't know if I'm autistic or not, but no label should defy people from being treated with actual decent human respect. They aren't the problem and it isn't an issue for me. I will defend them regardless the best of my ability despite struggling to actually have the courage to help myself most times because I don't know what to do surviving in this world...

I will honor them until the very end!!

 

[banger12]

I don't know if I belong here or not — as I honestly have no idea what is real anymore with me, but autism is very much in fact real, and know because I have met many different types of autistic and Aspergers syndrome people with them, and there were always discussions about whether I was autistic or not, but I was categorized with Aspergers syndrome, and when I went to have speech therapy classes growing up, they would classify me with those characteristics... realistically, I just see myself with ADHD and having very hyper deficit disordered patterns and perhaps as a child I delt with it, but because my personality would accumulate people into thinking this about me, I perhaps would place myself somewhat into sharing my journey...


I don't have an issue with it and I do not care about it. I hate this world and it should go to hell, and autistic people deserve better... I don't know if I'm autistic or not, but no label should defy people from being treated with actual decent human respect. They aren't the problem and it isn't an issue for me. I will defend them regardless the best of my ability despite struggling to actually have the courage to help myself most times because I don't know what to do surviving in this world...

I will honor them until the very end!!

That kind of ambiguity of not knowing must be frustrating. But I live this message and your words were very heartfelt.

The world is horrible and whether autistic or not, I think everyone deserves better. Better isn't what this world will ever want to deliver though.

Also, sidenote: I haven't read the whole interaction yet so I don't want to rush to judgement but I did see that someone claimed that autism was "fake" or "not a real condition". The claim was odd and regardless is unfounded and runs counter to many of our lived experiences. Not trying to trash the person he said it i am sure they're intentions were pure but worth adding since autism is very much real.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

That kind of ambiguity of not knowing must be frustrating. But I live this message and your words were very heartfelt.

The world is horrible and whether autistic or not, I think everyone deserves better. Better isn't what this world will ever want to deliver though.

Also, sidenote: I haven't read the whole interaction yet so I don't want to rush to judgement but I did see that someone claimed that autism was "fake" or "not a real condition". The claim was odd and regardless is unfounded and runs counter to many of our lived experiences. Not trying to trash the person he said it i am sure their intentions were pure but worth adding since autism is very much real.

Three people claimed it's not real, and I don't know why they say that if they are also autistic… (some claimed to be autistic while saying that… ) imagine how that must feel as someone with that who has a worse background of dealing with bullies and that trauma.

And I deeply appreciate that. I still have no idea what I'd be classified as though, but I am in support with all the neurodivergents here who has to deal with this trashy world

 

[banger12]

Three people claimed it's not real, and I don't know why they say that if they are also autistic… (some claimed to be autistic while saying that… ) imagine how that must feel as someone with that who has a worse background of dealing with bullies and that trauma.

And I deeply appreciate that. I still have no idea what I'd be classified as though, but I am in support with all the neurodivergents here who has to deal with this trashy world

I'm glad you have others for mutual support and I'm sorry the world sucks.

As for that interaction that's a fairly confusing one and I'll have to read through what they all said later.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I'm glad you have others for mutual support and I'm sorry the world sucks.

As for that interaction that's a fairly confusing one and I'll have to read through what they all said later.

Such a lovely response
Thank you and same here!
Yeah, I was reading through it and lost track a little from my ADHD but it was quite something to look at