If you have an argument with someone how important is it for you to win it or do you concede when you were wrong?

[noname223]

We have some arguments in my self-help group. And I realize I prefer harmony. The atmosphere is sort of explosive. And I don't like that.

I think when I was younger I did not want to lose with face at any cost. Also in disagreements with friends. Sometimes our friendship was burdened or on the edge. Now when we are more mature there are no major arguments anymore. Especially, when we have a heated debate on politics. Some friends of mine had hot takes and used strong language and I took part on it but from the other side. And they felt insulted. I apologized and reasoned why I worded it like that. I think our friendship would not have been on the edge otherwise. But one of them said they don't want to discuss politics anymore if I keep using that language. I tried to see where they were coming from. And they appreciated my apology. I had no problem with that. Our friendship is way more important than any debate about politics. I think though my friends would be pretty pissed if I had a different stance on Israel Palestine. A relative of mine is (I am not fully sure) a soldier of the IDF. Lol. We are visiting a pro Palestine demo once again this week. I joked to them that my relative hopefully gets severely injured. I don't even know this dude. If my family knew about that. Lol.

I have an argument with someone in my self-help group. And I think I cannot simply apologize for what I have done. I think I hurt someone. Not intentionally though. But I cannot even apologize because the person would deny getting hurt. The story is pretty long and I elaborated on it yesterday in this forum. I am not scared to lose my face or honor. I think that's bullshit. I want real emotions and honesty. And honor is overrated in my opinion. As a teenager I was a Japan enthusiast and thought if something bad happens by which I might lose my face I would kill myself immediately. Well I had to give up this attitude after getting the diagnosis psychosis. And now ten years afterwards I am still alive.

I still think I don't want to lose my face in certain ways. I don't want to embarrass myself in public. But showing regret and feelings is not embarrassing yourself in my opinion. I think it is a sign of maturity. Showing real emotions makes you relatable to many people. It is way to connect to others. Despite all of that I don't know how to make peace with that person. The person wanted to hurt me in return. Actually, it did not really hurt me. But I endured it in the hope the revenge can help the other person to heal. I am not the person to retaliate usually. I like this person for good reasons. I did not intentionally hurt her. If I hurt her, it is fine that she can hurt me in revenge. I would hope that the feud is over afterwards and we can move on as adults. Seemingly, I am not an alpha male. But many women gave me compliments how open I can talk about my inner feelings. I Impressed them according to them in my self-help group.

Do you prefer harmony or do you want to win an argument in case you feel you were right?

 

[VoidButterfly]

When I was younger I would refuse to "lose" an argument, but these days I almost prefer to. Getting to admit I was mistaken and thanking the other person for the correction/information is generally always taken well, whilst winning isn't usually. I'm a lot more happy to live with disagreements these days too, but I won't ever say I'm wrong if I'm not. I'll look for places to compromise but that's as far as I'll go.

 

[Dejected 55]

I realized a long time ago, probably in my late 20s, that I wanted no part in an argument. By definition an argument isn't about being correct, it's about winning.

I don't care about winning.

I enjoy a good debate. I like talking to people who think or believe differently than I do. I can always learn something new from someone else. I don't need or want an echo chamber. But I will not argue with you. I will debate so that I can learn. Maybe you convince me of something new and my position changes. Maybe you reinforce what I already believed to be true. But once I see it turn into an argument that someone wants to "win" more than they want to discuss... I'm out.

What I learned is... even if I win an argument, I lose... for having participated in the argument. If we can debate and I learn something or I teach you something... that's good for both of us. I don't need to "win" the conversation, though.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In most subjects, I'm not knowledgable enough to be able to win an argument against someone who is more invested in it.

For example, I've gotten myself into hot water here on threads that discuss trans issues. I laid down what I felt were reasonable questions but which caused offence. The argument being, I wouldn't even be posing those questions if I was better read. Perhaps they were right. Or, perhaps we would both read and quote things that confirmed our own bias.

Either way though, I'd avoid getting into arguments where the opposing party take offence and (sometimes) become aggressive. I've found through experience that threads about gender, inceldom and a very pro-life stance are best to avoid for this. They often start out friendly but descend into hostility. I'm not interested in participating in that many subjects that frequently lead to aggressive responses.

But, I hope I would actually back down where appropriate. I hope I'm open minded enough to have my preconceptions challenged and reconsidered if something convincing is put forward.

I suppose sometimes, we're just never going to agree on certain things. In which case, I think it's more beneficial to point that out. That we are coming at it from such unwavering but different perpectives, that we're never going to see it the same way.

 

[princexhhn]

I concede when the other person is someone I do not care about or just won't listen. If I know I'm right I WILL win that argument I don't care and if I turn out to be wrong then lesson learned. I don't back down when it's a real argument, but if it's just someone who's ignorant and dumb I just get up and walk away.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

The importance of it to me is to get out of the argument with more information than when I entered it with and with a more accurate idea about it. Talking about subjects , if you mean petty arguments, I try to not get into those anymore.

 

[heywey]

It really depends on the person and the kind of argument we're having. There's a distinct difference between someone arguing because they believe they're right and someone arguing because they believe they could be wrong. I fall very much into the latter category and enjoy disagreements with others on the same page, but disagreements with the former can get under my skin.

I just have a hard time disengaging when an argument becomes unproductive. I wouldn't say it's about wanting to win so much as wanting to know why the other person believes they're right. If I can't understand the process of how and why they arrived at their conclusion, how can I compare its soundness to how I arrived at my own?

What I've come to realize though is that a lot of people just don't put a lot of thought into why they believe what they believe. That doesn't necessarily mean the belief is incorrect, just unexamined; and in an argument it's a lot easier to dig your heels in than dive deep into self-reflection. So I try to avoid confrontation when I can and just ask questions. I find if you continue to probe someone through questions you're more likely to get to the root of a disagreement than if you come right out of the gate with an opposing viewpoint.