Help Idk how I should CTB without traumatizing my family

[morax]

Context: I am an only child and I'm an adult. But, I come from a culture where family is very important. In my case, my family is very emotionally dependent on me. I've always wanted to CTB but, I'm still here. I've tried fixing my life for myself. I've gotten jobs, I've made friends, made a wholesome online community of sorts, I've gotten hobbies, everything people told me to do in order to become happier. Fuck, I've even done a lot of self improvement. I have a strong relationship with the people around me. But, internally, I'm so fucked. When you're an inherently lonely person, it doesn't matter how "happy" life may get. My traumas are there, my internal baggage is there, no therapy or life improvement is gonna change that for me. It's too late for someone like me.

Anyway, I attempted back in 2021, and I nearly succeeded. I was 5150d and it basically fucked me over more than ever. Not only did it teach me that I should never ask for help bc mental institutions suck but, man… the sorrow I saw in my parents face when they found out what I had tried to do. It broke me. They're not perfect parents, hell, a lot of what's wrong with me was because of them but, I love them dearly.

I think if I try again now, I'd succeed because I'd know what to do. But, I don't want my family to deal with the trauma of finding my body or thinking that it's their fault. I want to just disappear in their eyes. And yeah, I know it's still fucked bc they'd have no answers but… in my head it would at least give them a little bit more solace.

What can I do? Where should I go to CTB? I already have the method but, what can I do to cause them the least amount of pain possible as a result?

 

[ChainedCrow]

First and foremost its not fucked that u want to do that life has been way too hard and u want made a decision about ending YOUR own life. Going away is never going to be easy but u should focus on you and what you want for me it seem like u want to appease everyone while not having a say in the most fundamental thing that is your life. Leaving a note for them to understand your view point might be the best decision other than that u will need to pull off something most serial killers cant do and that is leaving your body unfindable. Find a spot where they wont find your body and only passerby will stumble on and value yourself more to have a say in the most important decision in your life. Much love on whatever u decide and good luck

 

[Holu]

:(. This is the unfortunate consequence of death, regardless of if it's by your hand or not. Your family and loved ones will miss you, that's simply how it is.

I don't actually know if disappearing and never returning would reduce their grief. Maybe they would hold onto hope for your return, but your absence would be felt nonetheless.

You must make the decision ultimately. We all have our endpoints, our thresholds, and our last straws. There is no shame in finally running out of fumes.

Hope whatever choice you make goes well frand. It's a tough and terrifying decision, but you must trust yourself in the end.

 

[iamsadandinnocent]

Context: I am an only child and I'm an adult. But, I come from a culture where family is very important. In my case, my family is very emotionally dependent on me. I've always wanted to CTB but, I'm still here. I've tried fixing my life for myself. I've gotten jobs, I've made friends, made a wholesome online community of sorts, I've gotten hobbies, everything people told me to do in order to become happier. Fuck, I've even done a lot of self improvement. I have a strong relationship with the people around me. But, internally, I'm so fucked. When you're an inherently lonely person, it doesn't matter how "happy" life may get. My traumas are there, my internal baggage is there, no therapy or life improvement is gonna change that for me. It's too late for someone like me.

Anyway, I attempted back in 2021, and I nearly succeeded. I was 5150d and it basically fucked me over more than ever. Not only did it teach me that I should never ask for help bc mental institutions suck but, man… the sorrow I saw in my parents face when they found out what I had tried to do. It broke me. They're not perfect parents, hell, a lot of what's wrong with me was because of them but, I love them dearly.

I think if I try again now, I'd succeed because I'd know what to do. But, I don't want my family to deal with the trauma of finding my body or thinking that it's their fault. I want to just disappear in their eyes. And yeah, I know it's still fucked bc they'd have no answers but… in my head it would at least give them a little bit more solace.

What can I do? Where should I go to CTB? I already have the method but, what can I do to cause them the least amount of pain possible as a result?

I am in the same situation as you, the idea of how it will affect my family increases my anxiety so much about it.

 

[adoptedpain]

I wish we could

Context: I am an only child and I'm an adult. But, I come from a culture where family is very important. In my case, my family is very emotionally dependent on me. I've always wanted to CTB but, I'm still here. I've tried fixing my life for myself. I've gotten jobs, I've made friends, made a wholesome online community of sorts, I've gotten hobbies, everything people told me to do in order to become happier. Fuck, I've even done a lot of self improvement. I have a strong relationship with the people around me. But, internally, I'm so fucked. When you're an inherently lonely person, it doesn't matter how "happy" life may get. My traumas are there, my internal baggage is there, no therapy or life improvement is gonna change that for me. It's too late for someone like me.

Anyway, I attempted back in 2021, and I nearly succeeded. I was 5150d and it basically fucked me over more than ever. Not only did it teach me that I should never ask for help bc mental institutions suck but, man… the sorrow I saw in my parents face when they found out what I had tried to do. It broke me. They're not perfect parents, hell, a lot of what's wrong with me was because of them but, I love them dearly.

I think if I try again now, I'd succeed because I'd know what to do. But, I don't want my family to deal with the trauma of finding my body or thinking that it's their fault. I want to just disappear in their eyes. And yeah, I know it's still fucked bc they'd have no answers but… in my head it would at least give them a little bit more solace.

What can I do? Where should I go to CTB? I already have the method but, what can I do to cause them the least amount of pain possible as a result?

I wish we could talk bc your story resonates deeply with me

 

[thendtocome]

Just do it and make sure your body is only seen by health professionals (put it in your will). Then you can do it and not traumatize them. Also, distance yourself from them for at least 2 years. 4+ for more maximal effect that the won't be too traumatized...

 

[morax]

I wish we could

I wish we could talk bc your story resonates deeply with me

I'm open to talking

 

[adoptedpain]

I'm open to talking

I am unable to message you - post on threads and responses to open private conversation permissions
What if you do t have a Will or anything…

Just do it and make sure your body is only seen by health professionals (put it in your will). Then you can do it and not traumatize them. Also, distance yourself from them for at least 2 years. 4+ for more maximal effect that the won't be too traumatized...

 

[thendtocome]

I'm open to talking

Would you talk to me :3