So sorry things have gotten this bad for you. It seems like in the 90s and early 2000s a lot of people went out that way, pretending to be jewelers and all sorts of things in order to obtain cyanide. After the death of a member from alt.suicide, holiday, the woman's family members kicked up a storm, making it harder for people to obtain that method. It surprised me to read that this was how a lot of people ctb in the 90s, it sounds very painful and not pleasant at all.