good morning
found true love yesterday
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good morning
found true love yesterday
@lita-lassi @HighFlight @stillunemployed gorgeous photos!!
Have a nice weekend
Have a nice weekend
The dilemma of ctb haunts me. I go between the two sides multiple times a day, flip flopping with certainty within minutes. When I'm on the ctb side it pulls me into a deep depression but it has a mind of its own I can't fight. I've heard it said pick a side and commit but somehow I can't and I continue to be haunted. Anyone else? Anyone have any thoughts?
Tesha
Life too shall pass
- May 31, 2020
- 909
@cherry7 maybe you don't need to pick a side, maybe try and work with both sides of yourself. Try and find the positives in each of your 'parts' and build on them. As an example, when I'm feeling really depressed, I become very focused and stubborn - if I tap into that, then I can use it as a positive advantage.
Thanks again to all for the pictures. I'm not up for walking any real distance at the moment (despite living near to one of the UKs Crown Estates). But I may have a wander into my garden tomorrow and see what I can find of interest.
I've been in my head the past few days. It's been an emotional rollercoaster week - an argument with my Crisis Team resulted in me self harming (a lot, to prevent me committing suicide) and a formal complaint about their behaviour. Conversely it looks like I've been approved for the funding to a specialist trauma clinic.
I should be so grateful for the funding and I am, but I'm feeling so undeserving and worried incase I can't get it to work and I waste the money. I don't feel I deserve the funding when I think about it. So many others could get treatment if I don't go. It would literally fund over 1000 EMDR sessions for other people. I know I need to prioritise myself for once, but it feels so uncomfortable.
Anyway, I'm not looking for anything out of my vent… got to keep my kids front and centre of why I'm doing this.
Thanks again to all for the pictures. I'm not up for walking any real distance at the moment (despite living near to one of the UKs Crown Estates). But I may have a wander into my garden tomorrow and see what I can find of interest.
I've been in my head the past few days. It's been an emotional rollercoaster week - an argument with my Crisis Team resulted in me self harming (a lot, to prevent me committing suicide) and a formal complaint about their behaviour. Conversely it looks like I've been approved for the funding to a specialist trauma clinic.
I should be so grateful for the funding and I am, but I'm feeling so undeserving and worried incase I can't get it to work and I waste the money. I don't feel I deserve the funding when I think about it. So many others could get treatment if I don't go. It would literally fund over 1000 EMDR sessions for other people. I know I need to prioritise myself for once, but it feels so uncomfortable.
Anyway, I'm not looking for anything out of my vent… got to keep my kids front and centre of why I'm doing this.
Downdraft
I've felt better ngl
- Feb 6, 2024
- 765
Suicidal thoughts cause depression, which in turn, causes more suicidal thoughts the more you think about it. Keeping yourself busy will distract you from those thoughts, which will also raise your mood. The worst thing one can do when depressed is doing nothing at all.
It's never your fault for trying! You didn't choose your problems and you are clearly battling against them. if something, that shows you deserve the help you are getting. It's important to be willing when getting treatment, and you never know if anyone else could get the funding and be incurable. No one knows.
Even if it didn't work, don't take too much blame. The therapist can be flawed too, and that's not something in our control. Sometimes, others have the blame. Just be "selfish" for once, take the money and recover. If it works, it wasn't a waste, and if it doesn't, there is no warranty the man could've done anything for anyone.
People here will be with you, and don't think you're a waste at all.
Thanks for your thoughts on this!
lita-lassi
let me spell it out for you: go to hell
- Sep 25, 2023
- 579
someone sold me "molly" that was not actually mdma and now im having the shittiest recovery in a long time. test substances before use 
HighFlight
Global Mod
- Jun 28, 2023
- 643
Why not you? Your Healthcare system has evaluated and decided you are the person the money is best spent on. You given several reasons why others could benefit from the funding, but those same arguments work in reverse.
Plus, you're in a situation where you need the treatment not only for yourself, but also your children. Hopefully this treatment will put you in a position where you can help them. In my opinion, that make you very deserving.
And you are correct... you need to take care of yourself first in order to be in a position to help others.
#BeKindToYourself
good morning
this week is gonna be a real bitch
this week is gonna be a real bitch
HopingOnaMiracle
Experienced
- Mar 8, 2024
- 290
Today I have my intake conversation at the ketamine center. I can only hope this will work because I tried so many things that didn't. I'm so fucking tired of this depression. It also cost a lot of money but I need to try.
lita-lassi
let me spell it out for you: go to hell
- Sep 25, 2023
- 579
oh boy therapy tomorrow morning, how much more nothing can i accomplish
good morning
nothing is a very vast expanse, the whole universe is too little for itoh boy therapy tomorrow morning, how much more nothing can i accomplish
Anhaedra
Member
- May 5, 2024
- 76
Just had some bad couple days. Went to my doctor to tell him about my suicidal thoughts, then he said he was going to hospitalize me. I thought I could trust him, but no. I left the session immediatly after and went on a little walk. There is no one I can talk to, they wouldnt understand. I dont even know what Im feeling, but it feels really bad and dark.
I recently lost my gf to ctb and Ive been feeling the same way ever since.
My parents are the only thing that makes me want to live, dont want them to feel what I felt when losing someone you love.
I recently lost my gf to ctb and Ive been feeling the same way ever since.
My parents are the only thing that makes me want to live, dont want them to feel what I felt when losing someone you love.
lita-lassi
let me spell it out for you: go to hell
- Sep 25, 2023
- 579
i fed the ducks then the geese came and ganged up on me like a wiseguy movie but over cracker crumbs instead of cocaine
morning
I'm sorry for your loss but your doc is stupid - what should a hospitalization do in this case?
You suffer from the ever-unsolvable problem. Your gf is relieved from her pain which was probably unsolvable to her - she's finally free. But I understand you and you grieving the loss - but think about it - did you have the means and solutions to have eased her pain that drove her to this?
It's the ever-unsolvable problem when someone contemplates suicide - it's either we suffer for an indefinite amount of time (until natural death) or it's family/friends/loved ones - but the difference is if their lives are halfway in order they will learn to deal with that especially when they understand that the problem was unsolvable and it was an actual relief.
Tesha
Life too shall pass
- May 31, 2020
- 909
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement, and you're right - why not me…. I'm being admitted next week (as long as the paperwork goes through smoothly).
Had a wander into my garden… realised I've missed spring (and in fact the first 6 months of 2024), so most of my flowers have vanished… however I looked up and saw the neighbours honey bees have decamped from his hives. He's coming over later to collect them (if they haven't already moved on).
Had a wander into my garden… realised I've missed spring (and in fact the first 6 months of 2024), so most of my flowers have vanished… however I looked up and saw the neighbours honey bees have decamped from his hives. He's coming over later to collect them (if they haven't already moved on).
Took a walk
love those daisies
Attachments
Downdraft
I've felt better ngl
- Feb 6, 2024
- 765
This so much. It's easier to overcome grief than to heal from all the circumstances that led one to being suicidal. It's helps even more when the affected people have better mental health, as they will be better prepared. The whole "you'll destroy your loved ones" narrative kinda fails when one side has a knife, and the other fights with a rifle. No way it's the same experience.
@Anhaedra , her suffering ended. However, thoughts and feelings aren't the same, and it will understandably hurt.
Ow. The good thing is that flowers can be easily replaced, you can always start again. If you don't care about gardening, no one will notice if you put plastic plants lol.
HighFlight
Global Mod
- Jun 28, 2023
- 643
Please keep us up-to-date on your progress. I've been using ketamine daily now and it has helped. I'll be curious to know your experience with it. I'd also be interested in the details of the program. If you're not comfortable sharing with the broader group, you can send me a dm.
While it's good that you are looking at the bigger picture, and considering others feelings as you make your choices. Ultimately, the choice needs to be what feels right to you.
As a parent, I would be devastated if one of my children ctbs. I know one SH and has ideation. If they ever showed up on this site, I'm not sure what I would do.
I'm glad you were able to get out and enjoy some time in your garden. The pictures were great. Thank you for sharing.
For myself, this has been a tough weekend. Attended a wedding and while it was good to see so many people, I had to spend the weekend pretending to be normal. I still don't understand how it can feel so lonely when surrounded by 100s of people. Thos was my favorite view of the reception;
I continued my walks, although am trying to find a new place. But in the meantime, here's a few more pics, along with my little friend. (That's not a cage, it's a support for the freshly planted tree.)
HopingOnaMiracle
Experienced
- Mar 8, 2024
- 290
The ketamine treatment consists of 6 treatments. The first time a low dosage and the second time mid. Last few times full dose. There will be conversations with the psychologist after.
I really hope it will help
Good news everyone! We made it to another Saturday!
Placo
Life and Death
- Feb 14, 2024
- 734
I have to find new things to do, lately I spend a lot of time on this forum but now that I'm a little better maybe it's time to do something else.
bitofftoomuch
hold onto those who accept your messy self
- Jul 1, 2024
- 148
has anyone with adhd + major depression managed to pull themselves out and do things to abate the depression? what were your methods? I am super isolated and short on both friends and cash.
HighFlight
Global Mod
- Jun 28, 2023
- 643
Welcome to the thread. It sounds like you've been through quite a lot, and I'm sorry it brought you here. While I cannot relate to all of your issues, I have adhd and depression. I was fortunate (?) to have grown up in a time when mental health issues weren't discussed. So, I just suppressed all my feelings and pretended everything was OK. That facade came crashing down several years ago.
I've found the adhd easier to treat then the depression. Understanding why I act certain ways, couple with meds allows me manage it. The depression has been much harder, as it is deep rooted in my psyche. I've tried several antidepressants with no luck. I'm currently on a ketamine regiment that has taken helped somewhat. I'm still working with my doctor to adjust the dosage, so I'm optimistic.
Are you doing the esketamine nasal spray, or infusion? I've been using the ketamine a little differently, but it has helped. I often wondered if I had tried the more traditional approach if I would have had better luck.
I hope it works for you, and will be interested in what you think.
That's good news. While the forum can be helpful, those working toward recovery reach a point where it becomes less important and their recovery can be negatively impacted by spending too much time here. For your own good, please feel free to take a break from the site and find something else to do.
Mostly by being active to the point of absolute exhaustion. Lots of exercise. Looooooooots. And I have no idea if its helping me or just making me think it's helping me and maybe im just actively throwing my time away.
Who cares?
Attachments
lita-lassi
let me spell it out for you: go to hell
- Sep 25, 2023
- 579
Aaaaaaaaaaand its a very fucking early morning today!
