I am sorry for all you have endured, it sounds like you were abused badly for a long time, it is sad that after we escape the ones who would have us feel this way we impose punishments upon ourselves at times, reliving , obsessing on things, sometimes I have had to ask God to help me, tell him your burdens are too great, you need his help, you can no longer endure your suffering, give it to God.
I am no go to church on Sunday guy and might be the last you'd imagine thinks this way, but I can tell you it works.
I do not know if it's God or Buddha or Mohammed or Zebulon on planet poopsilon12, but it works.
I try to stay joined up at a gym that has a pool and a jacuzzi, a steam room and a sauna.
Even if you never work out with weights it is like living like a millionaire , it is also good for you for exercise, swimming is fun and great exercise, walking every day, several times a day is good for receiving sunlight, meeting neighbors, new friends,.
Facebook has many groups, some meet up and do fun things like ride bicycles decorated with lights and they ride around having fun, a few I saw had electric bikes so you do not have to be in shape or even able to ride a bike as many 3 wheeler bikes are ridden.
Bowling is fun, church can be fun.
My Grandfather told me if we had a crystal ball a fellow might not want to go on.
I have ridden motorcycles 48 years and lost 7 friends who rode with me, I broke my left femur 5 places 1 was compound, both wrists were broken, Iwas in the trauma center 5 days before they could operate on my fractured femur, that is the most pain I ever felt physically , it hurt for a long time too,
I hada kidney stone a few years ago and the Dr said this was the most pain a man will ever experience comparing it to child birth, it is bad but I said I have had worse, the Dr looked at me strange and when I said my femur was broken 5 places , 1 was compound at my hip he grimaced and said well thats usually the most pain the typical man will ever experience, so I have transcended the pain physically on a level most never know.
I was a 50% beneficiary in a $2.3 million cash trust my Grandfather carefully assembled over his lifetime of disciplined saving and living below his means etc , his legacy was to pass on a legacy to us so we could then do so for future generations.
My Sister got into a fight with my Grandmother at age 19 and didn't invite her to her wedding and never set foot in her home ever again, she lives 500 miles away and was never close to our Grandparents as I was, I ended up being asked to care for her by her to preserve the trust and avoid a care hoe I said yes of course, my Grandmother insisted that the truest remain 50/50 and despite my Sisters abuse she was not cut out at all even though I was sacrificing my HVAC career at the time I made &0k a year, m share of the trust was enough to insure I avoided impoverishment by being her care giver, everything was fine for 2 years until 2011 Pradaxa was prescribed to her and it killed her but it took 2 years to do so, during that time she require transfusions and was chronically anemic and had strokes requiring ICU status of weeks at a time her care became a 24-7 365 ordeal with someone I never knew who hated me now, I knew it was the strokes but unknown tome she made 7 codicils' during her last years slowly eroding my share leaving me fiscally impoverished secretly to trick me into indentured servitude only letting me know my security was stolen underneath me as if Bernie Madoff stole my retirement account, I was not even eligible to get Social security etc as a result of years of caregiving, I was forced to fight my family who did nothing to help me and sacrificed zero a sI did and I ended up getting most of my money but the lawyer got 1/3 so I lost more than 1/2 what I was to get and need, I discovered I had cancer of my kidney during the probate battle and they fought me for years hoping I died first, I wanted to die the betrayal and lack of respect for a job well done was extremely hurtful,l as if I dropped my wallet and they kept what they could by law
My little brother Scotty killed himself at age 26 a few months after our Stepmother accused him of raping her several years earlier.
This I knew was absurd, she had been inappropriate with me for decades, she would "accidentally" be caught masturbating ,doing it where we could or usually would see her, she would act oblivious but one time leaves on the ground were really noisy plus I set the alarm n the main house when I left it to go to the guest house where I stayed and that required walking past their bedroom's double wide glass slider doors, if anything she sped up, her hand became a blur so no doubts she was purposely exposing us to this extreme exhibitionisim, she used to say she bets I would be a great lay, things like that, she even told me she would miss her 3 dogs more than him!
To top it off she was a bigwig with the State of California DHSS, she was one of a bunch who got together in Berkeley and designed the programs they then implemented and the remaining 49 states all accepted as the way to run CPS, they then go around the country to nice resort like places where they teach other sates employees how to implement California's CPS system there, if anyone was a conduit to a pervert network I used to think she was one of them.
She admitted to me that Foster kids by age 18 are often in prison or dead by 2 years and many simply vanish with nobod able to locate the kids, in fact when the migrants were separated from the parents recently and then were ordered to return the kids to the parents, I knew beyond a doubt they could not do so even if they tried to and sure enough they were unable to locate all the kids.
My Brother's suicide blindsided me, it completely derailed my life, I started snorting meth, smoking cocaine, weed, LSD, mushrooms, peyote, mescaline, PCP
I even tried heroin a few times accidentally, I became a drug dealer , gun smuggler, misogynistic pimp, started fighting anyone who crossed me and at age 31 became a felon which is not typically the age this happens in life, I took a radical left turn for about 15 years and to this day am still enduring the loss of my little brother in this way, never do this to someone who loves you.
