M
max_ryan_000
Member
- Jun 10, 2024
- 11
Hey everyone, i am new in the SaSu forum... but i feel deeply connected with everyone here, and the pain most of us are going through that lead to us to feel this way.
So, let me just tell you how i started to become suicidal.. it is a recent thing, started about 2 years ago..
Btw, i am now 21 years old.
So, it might sound crazy, but it's the truth.. basically 2/3 years ago, i found a relatively famous practice on youtube and on internet, i don't want to say the name of it, just because i did vent to people about this practice before and what it did to me, and when i explained them what that practice was, they dismissed, laughed about what i said and said it's all anxiety and it's all on my mind.. so i felt judged..
After doing this practice for 1 week, i started to have physically difficulties breathing almost all day, and some other annoying symptoms, but the breathing issue was the one that bothered me the most.. but i heard in videos from people talking about the said practice, that it would get better, that's just the body adapting to that practice.
Now, i believe this practice caused me this, because i never had no issue breathing before until i did this practice. I was fine!
So i kept doing it, month after month, and eventually 1 year passed, the body got used to that practice, but i started to become worried because, i still had the difficulties breathing, and never in my life did i have any issues breathing.
So i decided to stop doing that practice, it was incredibly hard to stop it at first, because my body really got used to it, but i did stop, but i still have difficulties breathing almost 24/7 and a constant discomfort.
I went to a lot of doctos, did lots of exams, to my lungs and other areas, and all exams said i'm fine, and some doctors also said it's anxiety.. well i thought mayhe it could be, even though i don't feel anxious.. Doctors prescribed me Xanax, and i started taking it, after 2 months of taking it everyday, i noticed i still had the difficulties breathing everyday, and thought taking these meds were a waste of time, because they didn't help at all, and i never took meds before in my life.
And from there on, i started to lose hope of my breathing getting back to normal, this makes me feel sad and mad almost all day about the constant difficulty breathing i have now, and so i started to search methods of CTB on the internet, and i saw some people saying that mixing benzos & alcohol it's dangerous and could be deadly, so without knowing much about this whole subject, i tried that... mixed the xans i had left and drank vodka...
Well, i simply blacked out, went to the hospital, but no major side effects, other than being even more suicidal. It obviously didn't work.
I would like to recover, but everytime i tell myself i will try to, when i start to feel that bigger difficulty breathing, where i have to force myself to inhale and i also feel pain in my chest a lot of times now when i breath, in those moments i start to feel discouraged and feeling like it will never go back to normal, and this has affected my quality of life a LOT.
And also, i be having thought in those moments like "what if it never gets better, no matter how much i try to recover" makes me afraid and i rather end it all now if it never gets better.
But i used to have a relatively good life before, i used to workout regularly, to do meditation in the morning daily, and i felt at peace. I desire to have that back..
But now, it might sound silly, but because of difficulty breathing i have all the time i hate my life, i feel like shit everyday, and i feel hopeless because doctors haven't been able to help me at all, nor did the meds they prescribed me.
I am sorry if these kind of posts are not allowed, but since deep inside i'd like to recover if possible, do you think it's worth it to keep trying, maybe things might go back to normal?
What would you personally do if you were in my place?
Thanks everyone.
So, let me just tell you how i started to become suicidal.. it is a recent thing, started about 2 years ago..
Btw, i am now 21 years old.
So, it might sound crazy, but it's the truth.. basically 2/3 years ago, i found a relatively famous practice on youtube and on internet, i don't want to say the name of it, just because i did vent to people about this practice before and what it did to me, and when i explained them what that practice was, they dismissed, laughed about what i said and said it's all anxiety and it's all on my mind.. so i felt judged..
After doing this practice for 1 week, i started to have physically difficulties breathing almost all day, and some other annoying symptoms, but the breathing issue was the one that bothered me the most.. but i heard in videos from people talking about the said practice, that it would get better, that's just the body adapting to that practice.
Now, i believe this practice caused me this, because i never had no issue breathing before until i did this practice. I was fine!
So i kept doing it, month after month, and eventually 1 year passed, the body got used to that practice, but i started to become worried because, i still had the difficulties breathing, and never in my life did i have any issues breathing.
So i decided to stop doing that practice, it was incredibly hard to stop it at first, because my body really got used to it, but i did stop, but i still have difficulties breathing almost 24/7 and a constant discomfort.
I went to a lot of doctos, did lots of exams, to my lungs and other areas, and all exams said i'm fine, and some doctors also said it's anxiety.. well i thought mayhe it could be, even though i don't feel anxious.. Doctors prescribed me Xanax, and i started taking it, after 2 months of taking it everyday, i noticed i still had the difficulties breathing everyday, and thought taking these meds were a waste of time, because they didn't help at all, and i never took meds before in my life.
And from there on, i started to lose hope of my breathing getting back to normal, this makes me feel sad and mad almost all day about the constant difficulty breathing i have now, and so i started to search methods of CTB on the internet, and i saw some people saying that mixing benzos & alcohol it's dangerous and could be deadly, so without knowing much about this whole subject, i tried that... mixed the xans i had left and drank vodka...
Well, i simply blacked out, went to the hospital, but no major side effects, other than being even more suicidal. It obviously didn't work.
I would like to recover, but everytime i tell myself i will try to, when i start to feel that bigger difficulty breathing, where i have to force myself to inhale and i also feel pain in my chest a lot of times now when i breath, in those moments i start to feel discouraged and feeling like it will never go back to normal, and this has affected my quality of life a LOT.
And also, i be having thought in those moments like "what if it never gets better, no matter how much i try to recover" makes me afraid and i rather end it all now if it never gets better.
But i used to have a relatively good life before, i used to workout regularly, to do meditation in the morning daily, and i felt at peace. I desire to have that back..
But now, it might sound silly, but because of difficulty breathing i have all the time i hate my life, i feel like shit everyday, and i feel hopeless because doctors haven't been able to help me at all, nor did the meds they prescribed me.
I am sorry if these kind of posts are not allowed, but since deep inside i'd like to recover if possible, do you think it's worth it to keep trying, maybe things might go back to normal?
What would you personally do if you were in my place?
Thanks everyone.
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