Venting I worry I will not go on my own terms

[lunargreenx]

I try really hard to live. Got into college. Starting this september. But I don't know how much longer I can keep this shit going… I am all on my own soon, planing to leave my abusive parents (physically) and never come back - I am moving to another country. After that, I will be truly and utterly alone.

I used to get these "episodes". I would go out and see people enjoying their life and it would hit me that there is nobody but me in my life. Nobody that cares about me, neither anyone that I care about. And I would sit in my bathub crying for 6 hours in perpetual agony, for whole months. Last time - summer 2020 - it lasted for 2 months, it was so intense that by the end of it, I was not even present. I was losing myself in time, losing my mind and thought I was going crazy. I almost killed myself then.

And THIS is what is killing me. I don't want to have another episode like this. Because I know I will certainly not survive another one. And I don't want to kill myself If I will not be at my senses again…I am really afraid.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds really awful what you have been through, I understand why you must be scared. Living really is painful. I wish you well.

 

[Ken Ough]

Same. Last year was the culmination of the realization of everything wrong with my life. I felt cornered and pressured to CTB but couldn't do it, so instead I became a recluse. Soon I again will have to choose between suicide and social existence, but this time on a much lower level with no education and no acquaintances.
Moving to another country sounds good, at least when you think of better living and working conditions and ignore the potential troubles and competition.

 

[lunargreenx]

Same. Last year was the culmination of the realization of everything wrong with my life. I felt cornered and pressured to CTB but couldn't do it, so instead I became a recluse. Soon I again will have to choose between suicide and social existence, but this time on a much lower level with no education and no acquaintances.
Moving to another country sounds good, at least when you think of better living and working conditions and ignore the potential troubles and competition.

Hey. I am sorry you are struggling. Last year was really bad for everybody, but especially for people like us. I was already isolated before the government enforced isolation.

I am hoping to eventually move to Canada from Europe and see if I can find life. But that's just a stupid a dream of mine..