I Wonder whats like being okay

[aysel]

HI, im Alice im 20. I was abused and noone believed me.
my father raped me when i was 4 years old and everyone just ask me ''how do you remember that, you were so young...?'' as if i could ever forget.
so since people thought i made it up, ive been suffering in silence ever since, i turned myself to drugs, toxic relationships and chaos in general. There is not a single day i dont cry about any of my exes,
i've never been loved at home so i just had to look for it somewhere else, mostly from middle age men. i dont know how to describe the pain im enduring, ive bipolar disorder and ptsd and ive never been okay
i wonder whats like being normal, or not wanting to kill yourself over something stupid i said or the way i acted. Actually im considered pretty even though i dont think so, so people dont take me seriously.
i stopped having friends, i used to get drunk and start fighting with almost anyone. there so much rage inside of me. ive been in several institutions and they dindt help at all, all i did at these hospitals was getting involved with someone romantically only for them to break my heart once i got out. i just cant focused on myself 'cos there is no way there is a solution. so finally i think im going to do it.
im tired, so tired i dont even enjoy anything anymore, i just stay all day in my bed doing nothing. or thinking about suicide.
sorry if i vent too much i really needed to get it all out.

 

[djhelljgel]

Hey I hope things get better for you, similar story here except it was violent abuse when I was younger. therapist says that no one is "normal" and we should compare ourselves to others, but it definately seems like they've got their shit together much more than us but yeah, I hope it gets easier x

 

[BrailleTogepi]

I'm so sorry that it's like this. You don't deserve any of the abuse you've been through, not in the slightest. I wish you the best

 

[Forever Sleep]

Your story is so tragic. I'm SO sorry. It's beyond anything imagineable that a father could do that to his child. And to not be believed. God. Don't appologise for ranting though. This is the place to do it. Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some comfort here.

 

[noalarms]

What you've been through is horrible. I can't imagine what sort of person could abuse their own child.

I don't think I will ever know what it's like to be "ok". Even if I were to do everything it took to live a normal life, I don't think I could look back and say it was worth it. It takes so much effort just to get by, and the rewards of life are rare. The only thing that keeps me here is fear of pain.

 

[Source Energy]

I wonder too. I have never been "ok" by general standards, even in my best periods...

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've been through, it's just so horrific how humans create so much suffering, people like that just make this world an even more hellish place.