I wish my husband would just let me die

[Xiaojiu]

I have chronic pain 24/7 and chronic illnesses with no cures.

I recently spoke to two people from different chronic illnesses support groups who are able to be very open and honest with their partners.

One of them has similar illnesses that I have, and three years older than I am in her 30's. She told me that one day she woke up and was done. She didn't want to live the rest of her life like this. So nervous as heck, she told her husband that she wants to die. He was more supportive than she expected. And he told her to communicate how she felt with family and friends. And they were also supportive of her because they're aware of how much physical pain she is in every single day and what she deals with. It came to the point where her husband, family, and friends are helping her plan her "end-of-life journey". Because of her age, and due to the fact that she's not terminal, she's not approved for assisted suicide and she can't afford euthanasia. So her husband and everyone is trying to find ways for her to go peacefully (Trying to find pure fentanyl). Well, also trying to put together funds for her to travel the country before her "final day". Her husband really wants to be there on her last day holding and hugging her (I reminded her of legal consequences of this, so she said they will be doing more research and see what they can do). After a conversation ended, I started crying because I'm really happy that she had people who are very supportive and understanding.

I talked to another man who was diagnosed with a painful disease that will continue to get worse as he age only a year ago. He admitted to his husband that he doesn't wanna live like this, wasting away. His husband was sad, but he understood and asked what he wanted to do. And he said that he wants to die. They both then told their friends about it, and everybody is on board with his wishes. And also are planning his last day where he could spend time with them before he goes (He's also trying to hoard pure fentanyl).

Talking to these two people inspired me to open up to my husband again. And I was met with feeling alone, and then he told me he feels alone because I want to die and leave him. He says that we haven't tried a lot of things because we're not able to afford it yet. And we just started arguing. Not just him, but the few people left in my life don't seem to understand how much pain I'm in and how my quality of life has lessened (Can't work, can't clean or cook, cant drive, can't do my hobbies and passions anymore, I'm in bed all day, I've tried everything I can afford, etc.). I don't think I have the strength in me to wait years for other treatments. As a matter of fact, I don't wanna try anymore.

I wish I could just have some final days like the people I talked to, and just die in my husband's arms. But he told me he'll never support this. He'll never want me to die because he loves and cares about me. He said he'll never be like those partners those people have. I honestly find this cruel and unfair. He says I don't understand him and he thinks that there's a way that I could be cured and normal again.

Originally with the conversation, I was hoping to open up with I was going to say I have SN and when I'm ready to go, I'm gonna go. But the way he reacted I think I'm never gonna tell him. And I'll just die crying alone somewhere .

 

[certainty]

wish i had something better to say, but i feel for you and can 1000% empathize with seeking understanding and support from your loved ones. i don't have a chronic illness myself, but i can imagine how tiring, hopeless, and isolating that could feel.

He says I don't understand him and he thinks that there's a way that I could be cured and normal again.

totally understand how can be extremely difficult to hear from people in our lives who clearly have so much hope for us, when we ourselves have lost it.

Originally with the conversation, I was hoping to open up with I was going to say I have SN and when I'm ready to go, I'm gonna go. But the way he reacted I think I'm never gonna tell him. And I'll just die crying alone somewhere .

ofc this is no replacement for your family/friends/husband, but i hope you can find some solace in this community. i think anyone here would be grateful to share those moments with you if/when they come (whether that be in the form of a "goodbye" thread or whatnot). undoubtly, i know i, as an internet stranger, wishes i could ease your burden or support you through it. hope you find relief from your suffering, come what may <3

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I have chronic pain 24/7 and chronic illnesses with no cures.

I recently spoke to two people from different chronic illnesses support groups who are able to be very open and honest with their partners.

One of them has similar illnesses that I have, and three years older than I am in her 30's. She told me that one day she woke up and was done. She didn't want to live the rest of her life like this. So nervous as heck, she told her husband that she wants to die. He was more supportive than she expected. And he told her to communicate how she felt with family and friends. And they were also supportive of her because they're aware of how much physical pain she is in every single day and what she deals with. It came to the point where her husband, family, and friends are helping her plan her "end-of-life journey". Because of her age, and due to the fact that she's not terminal, she's not approved for assisted suicide and she can't afford euthanasia. So her husband and everyone is trying to find ways for her to go peacefully (Trying to find pure fentanyl). Well, also trying to put together funds for her to travel the country before her "final day". Her husband really wants to be there on her last day holding and hugging her (I reminded her of legal consequences of this, so she said they will be doing more research and see what they can do). After a conversation ended, I started crying because I'm really happy that she had people who are very supportive and understanding.

I talked to another man who was diagnosed with a painful disease that will continue to get worse as he age only a year ago. He admitted to his husband that he doesn't wanna live like this, wasting away. His husband was sad, but he understood and asked what he wanted to do. And he said that he wants to die. They both then told their friends about it, and everybody is on board with his wishes. And also are planning his last day where he could spend time with them before he goes (He's also trying to hoard pure fentanyl).

Talking to these two people inspired me to open up to my husband again. And I was met with feeling alone, and then he told me he feels alone because I want to die and leave him. He says that we haven't tried a lot of things because we're not able to afford it yet. And we just started arguing. Not just him, but the few people left in my life don't seem to understand how much pain I'm in and how my quality of life has lessened (Can't work, can't clean or cook, cant drive, can't do my hobbies and passions anymore, I'm in bed all day, I've tried everything I can afford, etc.). I don't think I have the strength in me to wait years for other treatments. As a matter of fact, I don't wanna try anymore.

I wish I could just have some final days like the people I talked to, and just die in my husband's arms. But he told me he'll never support this. He'll never want me to die because he loves and cares about me. He said he'll never be like those partners those people have. I honestly find this cruel and unfair. He says I don't understand him and he thinks that there's a way that I could be cured and normal again.

Originally with the conversation, I was hoping to open up with I was going to say I have SN and when I'm ready to go, I'm gonna go. But the way he reacted I think I'm never gonna tell him. And I'll just die crying alone somewhere .

i'm sorry, this is such a hard an awful situation, this is why euthenasia needs to be available for people in chronic pain and there needs to be a process, so people wanting to die and their friends and family can go through a process of grieving and make it easier for everyone. it's probably too overwhelming emotionally for him to process being without you.

a friend of mine committed suicide, she had been suicidal for a while, since someone she was close with committed suicide. she kept telling me she wanted to die and i would tell her that it's always her choice, but i did ask her to try to delay it. i also told her if i ever committed suicide (and i was suicidal) that i would hope she would try to move on, and if she were to die of suicide, i would be devastated and would try to move on.

but i was lying to her. after she committed suicide, i haven't been able to move on, i'm using drugs to cope with being an emotional wreck and probably going to end my life in the next 2 years. i lied to her because if she was in that much pain, i didn't want her to feel obligated to be around for me. i am completely unable to function without her.

so maybe you're husband isn't different from the others but just isn't willing to lie to you about how he feels? who knows. it's a horrible position for you to be in and i hope he can become more accepting of how you feel over time. maybe he just reacted that way out of initial shock? perhaps give him some time to understand you.

 

[Xiaojiu]

i'm sorry, this is such a hard an awful situation, this is why euthenasia needs to be available for people in chronic pain and there needs to be a process, so people wanting to die and their friends and family can go through a process of grieving and make it easier for everyone. it's probably too overwhelming emotionally for him to process being without you.

a friend of mine committed suicide, she had been suicidal for a while, since someone she was close with committed suicide. she kept telling me she wanted to die and i would tell her that it's always her choice, but i did ask her to try to delay it. i also told her if i ever committed suicide (and i was suicidal) that i would hope she would try to move on, and if she were to die of suicide, i would be devastated and would try to move on.

but i was lying to her. after she committed suicide, i haven't been able to move on, i'm using drugs to cope with being an emotional wreck and probably going to end my life in the next 2 years. i lied to her because if she was in that much pain, i didn't want her to feel obligated to be around for me. i am completely unable to function without her.

so maybe you're husband isn't different from the others but just isn't willing to lie to you about how he feels? who knows. it's a horrible position for you to be in and i hope he can become more accepting of how you feel over time. maybe he just reacted that way out of initial shock? perhaps give him some time to understand you.

I feel like once people get a diagnosis that is progressive and/or degenerative with no cures, we deserve to have a way out. Where they're like, "This is what you have. Your choice to continue. If you don't want to, that's okay. We'll help you die peacefully." But it's not like that and it will never be like that.

I'm so sorry for your loss :( so suicide contributed to her doing it?

He says he's accepting of how I feel and think. And that he understands, but he will never support me wanting to die. He's going to keep trying on his end he says to find ways to get me "healed". He says he's like this because he doesn't wanna give up and he loves and cares about me. And the few people I still have in my life also loves and cares about me and don't want me to die either. I think it's ridiculous. Because I'm not wanting to die due to depression. I have painful illnesses and chronic conditions. And no one understands how soul sucking it is to survive and exist in a torture chamber and prison of a body just homebound. I'm tired of it. I'm in my 30's and don't want to do this for 1-50+ more years of my life.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I feel like once people get a diagnosis that is progressive and/or degenerative with no cures, we deserve to have a way out. Where they're like, "This is what you have. Your choice to continue. If you don't want to, that's okay. We'll help you die peacefully." But it's not like that and it will never be like that.

I'm so sorry for your loss :( so suicide contributed to her doing it?

He says he's accepting of how I feel and think. And that he understands, but he will never support me wanting to die. He's going to keep trying on his end he says to find ways to get me "healed". He says he's like this because he doesn't wanna give up and he loves and cares about me. And the few people I still have in my life also loves and cares about me and don't want me to die either. I think it's ridiculous. Because I'm not wanting to die due to depression. I have painful illnesses and chronic conditions. And no one understands how soul sucking it is to survive and exist in a torture chamber and prison of a body just homebound. I'm tired of it. I'm in my 30's and don't want to do this for 1-50+ more years of my life.

Yes, I agree, people without cures and pain deserve to have a way out. It's about compassion and freedom and letting people make their own choices with support.


Thank you for your condolences regarding my friend. Someone close to her committed suicide, she was different and very sad after and spoke about suicide often and on occasion after. I don't know if it contributed to her death, as she did not discuss her reasons why she made that fatal attempt, but I suspect if that person had not committed suicide she would be alive today.


Regarding your husband, I think it might be about different philosophies on existence.

For some people, they view death as always bad and pain being something that, if you can get through it, is okay as long as you manage to survive and do well later. If there is a 1/1000 chance of living, you keep trying, even if it means enduring extreme pain. For these people, they believe survival is most important of all.

For other people, they look at the world in terms of percents and statistics and likelihoods and for many of them, if there is only a 1/1000 chance of survival and a 999/1000 chance of pain, they would not be willing to endure the pain for the chance of survival. For these people, survival is only worth it in certain contexts and they aren't willing to endure any pain for a mere possibility of survival.

I am not sure if either perspective is wrong or right, they are just different, but society should allow people to have options.

 

[qewpie]

I don't have any words that I can say to this, just that you are so heard and I wish life could have been kinder to us.

 

[Xiaojiu]

wish i had something better to say, but i feel for you and can 1000% empathize with seeking understanding and support from your loved ones. i don't have a chronic illness myself, but i can imagine how tiring, hopeless, and isolating that could feel.

totally understand how can be extremely difficult to hear from people in our lives who clearly have so much hope for us, when we ourselves have lost it.

ofc this is no replacement for your family/friends/husband, but i hope you can find some solace in this community. i think anyone here would be grateful to share those moments with you if/when they come (whether that be in the form of a "goodbye" thread or whatnot). undoubtly, i know i, as an internet stranger, wishes i could ease your burden or support you through it. hope you find relief from your suffering, come what may <3

Thank you for the reassurance. I feel very lonely and isolated. No one really understands where I'm coming from and I'm often compared to people with cancer (They're dying yet they have hope, are grateful, positive, etc. while I just want to die because I'm in pain 24/7). With the few people I talk to it's very superficial and I mask how I feel nowadays. I lost 99% of friendships because being in pain = unreliable, not fun to be around, negative, etc.

Thank you! I appreciate it! I'm looking to CTB on my birthday in a few weeks. But, I'm not sure yet because I can't seem to get meto prescribed to me. And I can't get it through via online pharmacies (They're don't ship to my country, my husband handles finances. I'm even lucky I was able to get SN)

Yes, I agree, people without cures and pain deserve to have a way out. It's about compassion and freedom and letting people make their own choices with support.


Thank you for your condolences regarding my friend. Someone close to her committed suicide, she was different and very sad after and spoke about suicide often and on occasion after. I don't know if it contributed to her death, as she did not discuss her reasons why she made that fatal attempt, but I suspect if that person had not committed suicide she would be alive today.


Regarding your husband, I think it might be about different philosophies on existence.

For some people, they view death as always bad and pain being something that, if you can get through it, is okay as long as you manage to survive and do well later. If there is a 1/1000 chance of living, you keep trying, even if it means enduring extreme pain. For these people, they believe survival is most important of all.

For other people, they look at the world in terms of percents and statistics and likelihoods and for many of them, if there is only a 1/1000 chance of survival and a 999/1000 chance of pain, they would not be willing to endure the pain for the chance of survival. For these people, survival is only worth it in certain contexts and they aren't willing to endure any pain for a mere possibility of survival.

I am not sure if either perspective is wrong or right, they are just different, but society should allow people to have options.

I'm so sorry :( That's another thing I'm scared of when I go. I want the people I leave behind to find happiness without me. :( Were they best friends?

It is very true. My husband and I told me that we think very differently about life. He has a friend that survived stage 4 cancer and never wanted to give up, and my husband looks up to him for resilience and strength (My husband wishes I can be like his friend). my husband is also very into positivity and in enduring and persevering, and continuing to live, even if someone's in pain all the time.

Well, for me, life is to be enjoyed. And being in pain 24/7 with no quality of life, crying everyday, homebound, with 0-4 hours of sleep, etc. There's no joy in life with that. I'm just constantly existing and surviving. :/

I don't have any words that I can say to this, just that you are so heard and I wish life could have been kinder to us.

I wish that as well :(

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for the suffering you are in and that you aren't receiving much compassion/ understanding.

What does your husband think you should try? What makes him so confident it will work? Presumably, you have reservations or, don't want to put yourself through it?

I also agree that the purest love we can express is selfless. So, I agree with the phrase that if we truly love, we have to let go- if that person is suffering.

 

[Xiaojiu]

I'm so sorry for the suffering you are in and that you aren't receiving much compassion/ understanding.

What does your husband think you should try? What makes him so confident it will work? Presumably, you have reservations or, don't want to put yourself through it?

I also agree that the purest love we can express is selfless. So, I agree with the phrase that if we truly love, we have to let go- if that person is suffering.

:(

My husband wants me to wait a couple years until he can afford PRP injections, prolotherapy, stem cells, etc. which are not covered by insurance.

I told him I don't know if I'm strong enough to wait that long, I also have tendon, ligament, labrum tears all over my body already and cervical spine issues from car accidents, work injuries, failed botched surgery, a medical injury caused by a doctor. Basically every joint and part of my spine has issues. I will be needing surgeries later on that cost a lot of money.

I don't want to be poked and prodded. Doesn't help that my illnesses are also attacking my spine and joints. If you look at me, I look normal. But, when I move I snap and crack everywhere and it's painful.

He's not confident it will work he says. He just wants me to be hopeful, positive, and stick around for him.

He told me if he finds out I spent $100 to buy something to kill myself with, he will get so angry.

 

[Forever Sleep]

:(

My husband wants me to wait a couple years until he can afford PRP injections, prolotherapy, stem cells, etc. which are not covered by insurance.

I told him I don't know if I'm strong enough to wait that long, I also have tendon, ligament, labrum tears all over my body already and cervical spine issues from car accidents, work injuries, failed botched surgery, a medical injury caused by a doctor. Basically every joint and part of my spine has issues. I will be needing surgeries later on that cost a lot of money.

I don't want to be poked and prodded. Doesn't help that my illnesses are also attacking my spine and joints. If you look at me, I look normal. But, when I move I snap and crack everywhere and it's painful.

He's not confident it will work he says. He just wants me to be hopeful, positive, and stick around for him.

He told me if he finds out I spent $100 to buy something to kill myself with, he will get so angry.

That sounds so painful to live with. I'm so sorry. I don't blame you either- for not wanting to be continually medically messed around with. It's so sad he doesn't understand.

 

[Xiaojiu]

That sounds so painful to live with. I'm so sorry. I don't blame you either- for not wanting to be continually medically messed around with. It's so sad he doesn't understand.

He says he understands. But, he says I don't understand him at all for him loving me and not wanting me to die :( Like, he tells me he doesn't want to see me in pain but he also doesn't want me to kill myself

 

[Forever Sleep]

He says he understands. But, he says I don't understand him at all for him loving me and not wanting me to die :( Like, he tells me he doesn't want to see me in pain but he also doesn't want me to kill myself

They're both reasonable points of view. Who does want to lose the person they love? Who wants to see them in pain either? But then, the difficulty more I suppose is convincing them we are in a severe enough state to end it and, that nothing can be done to help. It doesn't sound like he accepts that part.

 

[RunDown]

I'm not so scared of dying. I have debilitating chronic illness as well. I'm in the stages of preparing my method. However, I am scared of dying alone. I cannot share my feelings with my family because they would react horribly. I understand why they wouldn't support me. Nonetheless, it would be so nice to hold someone's hand while I go, to see the faces of people who love me as I pass. The hardest part of this whole process is being utterly alone while planning and eventually carrying out the plan itself. Its cruel and unusual, it's inhumane.