Venting I wish it worked, why am I alive?

[pymeow]

I last tried to ctb on 14th this month, I was tired and in quite a lot of emotional pain, which even blinded me from a future that I was anticipating.

I'm so lazy, everything that needs energy is exhausting, I don't understand why dying is this hard, I usually get some funds but I'm too lazy to order SN—I know a potential seller already , I just find myself spending much of it in gaming because then, I have nothing to wait for, it doesn't require energy and I'm rewarded instantly.

I vented about my case earlier and every morning my sins haunt me, I hallucinate sometimes and its so disgusting to wake up, to see a new day that I haven't begged for, I wish I could exchange my life with someone who needs it, I need to die, and though some pain will be written on my face, I wont have to face any more exhaustion or people, I won't answer to anybody. I know that the moment I have SN in my hands, I'll just have to clean my room one last time, eat one last meal and I won't wake up to the horrors of this world again.

I hate it that sometimes I find some hope to live, but I feel like nothing is going to change, hope is my burden, I feel trapped because sometimes I just can't give up and be numb...

I wish that I get the energy to get SN and end my suffering soon