Help I wish I was never encouraged to do things that make me “succeed in life”

[madbananas]

I feel more fucking trapped than ever now. More fucking alone. They made me feel like someone who was valuable then drop me like a piece of shit. I want to ctb but my survival instinct is stronger now than it was before but I just want to fucking die. They get you out of a crisis and then leave you which then puts me in another one because they just leave like you don't matter once you're apparently "safe"

 

[nitroautnz]

I feel more fucking trapped than ever now. More fucking alone. They made me feel like someone who was valuable then drop me like a piece of shit. I want to ctb but my survival instinct is stronger now than it was before but I just want to fucking die. They get you out of a crisis and then leave you which then puts me in another one because they just leave like you don't matter once you're apparently "safe"

Yeah i get it, it sucks because you kinda force to go through this. 'And after its ok you better now find happiness its in your hand !'

 

[madbananas]

Yeah i get it, it sucks because you kinda force to go through this. 'And after its ok you better now find happiness its in your hand !'

Exactly. And it's not like I can escape from my attachment style. It feels like a complete trap and I wish I could be put out of my misery because it's so cruel. All i do is break my heart when I'm alone.

 

[nitroautnz]

Did you plan to ctb ? i know that looked into a way out, help me for a few month.

 

[madbananas]

Did you plan to ctb ? i know that looked into a way out, help me for a few month.

I have a rope. Just need to go into the woods and do it. And I need to do it soon to spare myself of the torture for the rest of my life. I stupidly texted a helpline who were just as you can imagine. I know how to dodge hospitalisation with my words thank goodness. Hospitalisation would never ever help me.

 

[nitroautnz]

I have a rope. Just need to go into the woods and do it. And I need to do it soon to spare myself of the torture for the rest of my life. I stupidly texted a helpline who were just as you can imagine. I know how to dodge hospitalisation with my words thank goodness. Hospitalisation would never ever help me.

I actually never reach any hotline, i usually keep it to myself, and let it rots inside... I think it would be worse for me hospitalisation so I get it. But a rope that doesn't sound really pleasant, did you look into different methods?

 

[madbananas]

I actually never reach any hotline, i usually keep it to myself, and let it rots inside... I think it would be worse for me hospitalisation so I get it. But a rope that doesn't sound really pleasant, did you look into different methods?

Yeah I'll never bother again. I'm now stuck in a space where I'm dancing between wanting to live and wanting to die although there is always an undercurrent of wanting to die.
Sadly hanging is the only way I can go with as much dignity as possible. And I know it won't look dignified but I'll be out unconscious not too long when I do it and I won't have to drop from a high height which is my biggest fear. Obviously I would love Dignitas but that takes too long

 

[nitroautnz]

Yeah I'll never bother again. I'm now stuck in a space where I'm dancing between wanting to live and wanting to die although there is always an undercurrent of wanting to die.
Sadly hanging is the only way I can go with as much dignity as possible. And I know it won't look dignified but I'll be out unconscious not too long when I do it and I won't have to drop from a high height which is my biggest fear. Obviously I would love Dignitas but that takes too long

I know what you mean.
Did you consider SN or the exit bag ?

 

[madbananas]

I know what you mean.
Did you consider SN or the exit bag ?

I thought about it but it's too much organising. I'm lazy haha

 

[nitroautnz]

I thought about it but it's too much organising. I'm lazy haha

Haha, yeah i understand, i dismiss those at first. I choose a more gory way to leave, that was easy but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

[madbananas]

Haha, yeah i understand, i dismiss those at first. I choose a more gory way to leave, that was easy but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Yeah lol it's hard. My reason for being here has been wearing thin for a long time. My friend hung herself, so in my head, I'm thinking, so can I. Survival instinct is a bitch though

 

[nitroautnz]

Yeah lol it's hard. My reason for being here has been wearing thin for a long time. My friend hung herself, so in my head, I'm thinking, so can I. Survival instinct is a bitch though

here you mean the forum ?
Yeah i see, mind you everyone as is own way to ctb you need to find the one that will suit you if you want to go through it. After choosing a hard one can make you continue to live but failing to achieve it is worse in my opinion.

 

[madbananas]

here you mean the forum ?
Yeah i see, mind you everyone as is own way to ctb you need to find the one that will suit you if you want to go through it. After choosing a hard one can make you continue to live but failing to achieve it is worse in my opinion.

No I mean "here" as in "life" lol. I'm thankful for being on this forum because people (apart from some) here are so compassionate unlike all the fake compassionate people in the "real world". To be honest I feel like I have no choice left now. I can't live with my situation and my emotions. It's actually an easy fix as clear communication is crucial for me because of my fear of abandonment but apparently that's too much to ask from people and I should just get used to being fucked around. I mean in my opinion, clear communication is crucial for positive outcomes with absolutely anyone. But particularly for people like me who is an overthinker and has significant attachment and abandonment issues.

 

[nitroautnz]

aaaah that make more sense yeah this forum is the best thing that happens to me in a long time, read it for a wee while before i decide to join.
Yeah i feel exactly the same. its not an easy thing to deal with. You describe exactly how i feel most of the time(i have more issue too :D)

 

[madbananas]

aaaah that make more sense yeah this forum is the best thing that happens to me in a long time, read it for a wee while before i decide to join.
Yeah i feel exactly the same. its not an easy thing to deal with. You describe exactly how i feel most of the time(i have more issue too :D)

Sad that you're going through it but in a way glad I'm not alone and bonkers for feeling the way I do. I also read this forum for a while before joining. No one else understands like people (again, most of them) do.

 

[nitroautnz]

Sad that you're going through it but in a way glad I'm not alone and bonkers for feeling the way I do. I also read this forum for a while before joining. No one else understands like people (again, most of them) do.

Yep likewise, when i read you i was 'thas exactly how i feel'.