I wish I never even heard of ocd

[hellgirlredux]

Someone told me I might be so I went on the ocd subreddit and looked up the DSM criteria and now everything I do I am constantly questioning my motives and thoughts about everything everything they say helps on that subreddit or when I google things related to ocd trying to get some relief or clarify whether I even fucking have it or not makes it worse omg erp seems so cruel it's like as soon as I heard of this damn disorder it broke my brain and now I'm thinking so hard and I'm so mired in an existential crisis I can barely stay awake I keep thinking it's where the evidence leads for me and I must have it but then every part about this damn isoeder and the therapy for it feels like the most invalidating thing ever and I'm having to force myself to say yes I identify with this but it feels so fucking wrong and invalidating like I meet the criteria at least on the surface but my heart is like fuck this shit this isn't me at all goddammit I so wish we had N in New Zealand can't get SN and I have failed several different methods already and now I'm so paranoid about the impact of my ctb on my family when all I wanted to do was get on with dying. This is not fair I wish people would fuck off I don't care if I have ocd or not i just wanted to die but despite my best efforts to I can't between not having a method that is actually available to me in this country and ethical issues with my damn family. I have to talk to them in person before I die ethically but I can't because even bringing up the topic might trigger them having lost my dad already and my grandmother might call the cops on me. So I can't die because I can't give them the explanation I am obligated to give them for why I want to die. It is so complex a note will just leave more unanswered questions. I guess I'm stuck here in this torturous mind for 60 more years, with my brain screaming 24/7 YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER IF YOU HAVE OCD!! YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER IF YOU HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA!! YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER IF YOU HAVE *insert practically every disorder in the DSM 5 and probably previous versions* I never even wanted to get involved with psychiatry or therapy. I hated the idea and said no but this brain can't withstand the pressure anymore. I was heavily into antipsychiatry once upon a time but others of supposedly the same persuasion just started to push therapy and claim that their random value judgements about another person's actions were 100% scientific. It's like playing a game of whack a mole that never ends. I will always have to argue against and or submit to someone's interpretation of my own thoughts. I have had this urge to be free since I was a young girl and have always hated the idea of therapy and psychiatry. I just wanted to be me and act how I act and not worry whether it's pathological or not, DSM, PTMF, random people's interpretations of my alleged behaviour "patterns" or otherwise.