Venting I wish I loved life

[Superdeterminist]

I wish I loved life enough to be able to look past its ugly moments and be able to live happily with the good times, it feels difficult though. I see some other people who seem to be naturally happy at least most of the time, and oh how I wish I could have their mind. These people have some kind of special gift or something, and I want to just copy paste their brain into my skull. I don't want to dislike living but I'm just led here every time. I feel that to be against living is an ugly thing, I don't want to be thinking negatively all the time, but I am, almost all the time. What good is a mind that is opposed to its own existence? It's like building a boat and leaving gaps in the hull, it's just going to sink. Not exactly fit for purpose. Were I happier, I think I could achieve and help others so much more. Some people say "just don't think about it" "just be happy" etc. but it feels impossible, I get pulled back to a negative headspace by the smallest problem. Anyone else?

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Guess I'm with you on this one, except I don't get affected by the small stuff. Eckhart Tolle, mindfulness, and so on.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Guess I'm with you on this one, except I don't get affected by the small stuff. Eckhart Tolle, mindfulness, and so on.

We could probably delve into what stuff is 'small' and what stuff isn't, we'd probably differ on at least a few things, although that's a whole different discussion maybe. But what kind of stuff affects you then, if not small stuff (what's 'big' for you)?

 

[sauvenchy]

I understand what you are going through and feel the same. Sometimes I think about it and realise that I would never treat another person as harsh as i treat myself.

I feel a lot of compassion from forum members towards each other. But why do some of us hate ourselves so much? Some of us have been pushed in the self-loathing corner by external factors (other people). In some cases it's a product of not meeting our own expectations or a physiological 'shortcoming', like a hormonal imbalance.

I think it's tunnel vision in my case. It feels like my brains has made neural pathways for self loathing and it has become a my neutral state. From time to time I have a slither of hope that i can reverse these pathways and force myself to live and love myself but so far it's been unfruitful.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

We could probably delve into what stuff is 'small' and what stuff isn't, we'd probably differ on at least a few things, although that's a whole different discussion maybe. But what kind of stuff affects you then, if not small stuff (what's 'big' for you)?

Posted it so many times it's getting boring. Basically I'm a man-child failure.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Posted it so many times it's getting boring. Basically I'm a man-child failure.

Hey, just like me! It's my principal reason for ctb. I really don't like where I am in life, failure to launch and all that.

I understand what you are going through and feel the same. Sometimes I think about it and realise that I would never treat another person as harsh as i treat myself.

I feel a lot of compassion from forum members towards each other. But why do some of us hate ourselves so much? Some of us have been pushed in the self-loathing corner by external factors (other people). In some cases it's a product of not meeting our own expectations or a physiological 'shortcoming', like a hormonal imbalance.

I think it's tunnel vision in my case. It feels like my brains has made neural pathways for self loathing and it has become a my neutral state. From time to time I have a slither of hope that i can reverse these pathways and force myself to live and love myself but so far it's been unfruitful.

I don't even hate myself, (if I do, I'm not aware of it) and never have. But the more I consider that my problems are the result of my own negative brain, the more logical a conclusion self-hate seems to be. I'm sorry that you hate yourself and I share in your frustration about rewiring one's own brain. How much power do we really have in that area? It's unclear.

 

[Good4Nothing]

There have been times when I've loved life, even though I was struggling and depressed and fucking everything up. But I had friends then, and they helped me through the bad times, and we had a lot of good times.
Now I have no friends, and there are no good times. I don't love my life. It's a boring chore. Every day is the same. And every time I try to live, life kicks me back down into the mud, puts it's foot on my neck and yells "Stay down!"
I'm tired of fighting to be happy, only to get my ass kicked every fucking time.
I'm done with this life. Life hates me, and I hate life back.

 

[Superdeterminist]

There have been times when I've loved life, even though I was struggling and depressed and fucking everything up. But I had friends then, and they helped me through the bad times, and we had a lot of good times.
Now I have no friends, and there are no good times. I don't love my life. It's a boring chore. Every day is the same. And every time I try to live, life kicks me back down into the mud, puts it's foot on my neck and yells "Stay down!"
I'm tired of fighting to be happy, only to get my ass kicked every fucking time.
I'm done with this life. Life hates me, and I hate life back.

I feel this. Life to me feels like an enemy you've been forced into a battle with, and maybe you can score your little win here and there, but it's going to win the war eventually. There's a want to just get out as an act of defiance against its oppression.

 

[WornOutLife]

I've realized people who are happy 24/7 are:

1) Hiding the truth. (Like I used to to do.) They just pretend they have a perfect life, especially on social networks.

2) People who have a simple mind. Their happiness consists on going for a walk, work, study, get married, sleep and have children.

For people like us, happiness is a more complex concept, I believe.

I'm trying to find happiness too. Just 70% of it daily would be more than enough.

I've realized the first step to get there is by loving myself so, that's where I'll start from.

Good luck and hope things get better soon ;)

 

[Superdeterminist]

I've realized people who are happy 24/7 are:

1) Hiding the truth. (Like I used to to do.) They just pretend they have a perfect life, especially on social networks.

2) People who have a simple mind. Their happiness consists on going for a walk, work, study, get married, sleep and have children.

For people like us, happiness is a more complex concept, I believe.

I'm trying to find happiness too. Just 70% of it daily would be more than enough.

I've realized the first step to get there is by loving myself so, that's where I'll start from.

Good luck and hope things get better soon ;)

Thank you and I hope the same for you. It's good to see you and I see that you're looking dashing as ever.

 

[ERASED]

I've realized people who are happy 24/7 are:

1) Hiding the truth. (Like I used to to do.) They just pretend they have a perfect life, especially on social networks.

2) People who have a simple mind. Their happiness consists on going for a walk, work, study, get married, sleep and have children.

For people like us, happiness is a more complex concept, I believe.

I'm trying to find happiness too. Just 70% of it daily would be more than enough.

I've realized the first step to get there is by loving myself so, that's where I'll start from.

Good luck and hope things get better soon ;)

I wish i could have 70%.....im barely at 0.001% and the sadness just hits.....im so tiered.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

man i used to be one of those people that seemed overly happy with life too going to partys drinking a lot. every day i was outside doing some dumb ass shit. i had this long hair emo kinda look my hair was as pink as my profile picture lol and i loved it despite people looking like wtf. untill one day i start losing my hair i was kinda nervous for some years but it wasnt like the end of the world ya know. until i realized there was something going on with my cheeks they where like crooked. years past and i got older and my face seemed to get more and more fuckt up so i visited a cranial doctor and i was diagnosed with torticollis/plagiocephaly. not only did i lose every hair on my head my entire skull is now deformed my whole face rotated face is ofcenter nose is on the left side of my skull one eye is buldging and grew to the left too , one side of my skull is 3 cm bigger and the little hole that conects your neck and head grew diagonal and now my face seems to float on the side of my neck fyi it looks extremely deformed things that you only see when you dig deep on the internet. i never had a single good day since the doctors told me they cant stop it or fix it anymore because my mom should have gone to a doctor when i was younger. for some the line between happy and sad is quite fine for me it took a lot to become this way i think everyone just has other limits and thats ok. i have been homeless beaten raped hearthbroken ripped off but it never made me depressed but this shit does. if there is a god im gonna punch him in the face no bullshit

 

[ERASED]

man i used to be one of those people that seemed overly happy with life too going to partys drinking a lot. every day i was outside doing some dumb ass shit. i had this long hair emo kinda look my hair was as pink as my profile picture lol and i loved it despite people looking like wtf. untill one day i start losing my hair i was kinda nervous for some years but it wasnt like the end of the world ya know. until i realized there was something going on with my cheeks they where like crooked. years past and i got older and my face seemed to get more and more fuckt up so i visited a cranial doctor and i was diagnosed with torticollis/plagiocephaly. not only did i lose every hair on my head my entire skull is now deformed my whole face rotated face is ofcenter nose is on the left side of my skull one eye is buldging and grew to the left too , one side of my skull is 3 cm bigger and the little hole that conects your neck and head grew diagonal and now my face seems to float on the side of my neck fyi it looks extremely deformed things that you only see when you dig deep on the internet. i never had a single good day since the doctors told me they cant stop it or fix it anymore because my mom should have gone to a doctor when i was younger. for some the line between happy and sad is quite fine for me it took a lot to become this way i think everyone just has other limits and thats ok. i have been homeless beaten raped hearthbroken ripped off but it never made me depressed but this shit does. if there is a god im gonna punch him in the face no

Sorry to hear that. If you need a friend im here.