Venting i wish i didnt have to depend on others

[sori]

Despite the fact that i actually have many things going for me in my life, i constantly feel a deep, looming sense of dread and loneliness. All my life i rarely let mental health issues effect things such as relationships, school, or hobbies, but now its really starting to take a toll. Im idly sitting in my room venting on the internet instead of dealing with my responsibilities. Nothing much has changed in the last few months (if anything, things have gotten better), but ive been becoming significantly worse. Everything ive worked for and all the opportunities i had are now fleeting and its entirely my own fault. I have literally no excuse.

I have no motivation to do anything because i figure ill just kill myself eventually, but by letting myself spiral, i am not even giving myself a chance. I cant bring myself to CTB in the present, so if i self-sabotage my own life and ruin my relationships with others, i wont have any more excuses.

The thing is, i dont actually want to die. At least i dont think i do. Theres so much i adore about life and the thought of never being able to experience those things again, makes me very reluctant to leave. One of those things is simply other people. I love people so much, even though i find most of them suck (its okay, i suck too). Unfortunately, im very avoidant of people and especially intimate relationships. Its a bad combination of self hatred and limerence. Feelings of self doubt and unworthiness cause me to come off as distant / cold and overall uninterested, even if im totally obsessed with someone. It goes without saying that intense self-deprecation / depression + limerence is extremely unhealthy, so ive been blocking myself from any relationship that could become remotely intimate. Obviously i know thats not ideal, but i really dont handle the intense feeling of sickness very well. My stomach aches and i feel like throwing up constantly. Gagging throughout the day and wishing to SH is simply not worth it to me.

With that being said, i fell in love again; it was entirely by accident. For reasons i wont specify, the thought of an intimate relationship never even crossed my mind until it was too late. Strangely, things have been working out, but im terrified of what will happen if they leave me. Which is very possible considering weve never even met irl before. And yes, i know, falling in love over the internet is pretty cringe but it is what it is (also is one of the aforementioned reasons i said i wouldnt specify). They help me live more than they could imagine.

But as i said at the beginning of this vent, despite the fact that my life is looking up, im full of dread. im letting my life is fall apart around me and soon i will have nothing left. i dont think i have any choice but to suck it up, stabilize, and push forward. ive known that from the beginning, but i feel like my own head is trying so hard to prevent me from living.

 

[Sutter]

Apart.

The day I was born, I was pissed, screaming, slobbering, covered in goop, man handled, hungry, and tired. I had to rely on others. In my own situation even though I did my best to not make it so, Ive relied on others my whole life. The smiles raising me a bit, mean words cutting, encouraging ones doing both at the same time.

In the beginning I walked surefooted and with speed chasing what I thought were heirlooms of life. Ever industrious never wavering, moving along a little traveled trail. I would linger at the odd pinecone and or follow a chipmunk dashing, with blinding speed, around a stump but some of the best moments were with others.

Closeness is not always as we expect. Sometimes one we lie down with is miles away but a soft voice and sure words from a thousand miles is closer than a kiss on a summer evening. May be able to have a relationship that is not, uncomfortably close but still intimate in its own way.

Could be humans weren't meant to be apart but rather an apart of, the many ways one person can show they care for another, like air hugs.
Apart from the scribbles is your choice for where you want to be, I'll wander off now, have a dark place of my own to head to.

Thankyou for venting.