I have certain interest, mostly creative ones like art and music, that just make me miserable. If I wasn't interested in these topics at all, I wouldn't be as self-hating as I am now. I wish I never liked them in the first place, but I like looking at art and listening to music, and I think to myself "I want to try that." Then I realize I suck, I will always suck, and others will always be so astronomically better than me while being half my age because I will never enjoy it enough to work on it.
And before anyone tells me "just practice / practice makes perfect" YES I KNOW. The problem is that art is a waste of time. Developing my skill and getting good at art is still, ultimately, a waste of time. I know the grass is always greener and that I would hate being an artist in practice, my brain just won't let go of this impossible fantasy where "being an artist" will somehow fix all my problems. I know the fantasy of being loved by others because of my art is a lie. I know becoming fully satisfied with my proficiency will never happen because I actually hate practicing anything, and I always hate my art no matter how "good" I get at it. Even if I become the best artist known to humanity I know in reality I won't feel happier and I won't get the fame and love I desire. Instead I'll still just hate myself, hate my own works, and everyone will think I'm cringy anyways. The quality of the art means nothing, just that I hate the process and will always hate the process.
How do I finally convince my brain to give up on these impossible dreams?
And how can I go back to enjoying art without just feeling bitter jealousy for those who are better than me?
Last edited:
Reactions:
Sleeper System, ForgottenAgain, darkest and 2 others
I have certain interest, mostly creative ones like art and music, that just make me miserable. If I wasn't interested in these topics at all, I wouldn't be as self-hating as I am now. I wish I never liked them in the first place, but I like looking at art and listening to music, and I think to myself "I want to try that." Then I realize I suck, I will always suck, and others will always be so astronomically better than me while being half my age because I will never enjoy it enough to work on it.
And before anyone tells me "just practice / practice makes perfect" YES I KNOW. The problem is that art is a waste of time. Developing my skill and getting good at art is still, ultimately, a waste of time. I know the grass is always greener and that I would hate being an artist in practice, my brain just won't let go of this impossible fantasy where "being an artist" will somehow fix all my problems. I know the fantasy of being loved by others because of my art is a lie. I know becoming fully satisfied with my proficiency will never happen because I actually hate practicing anything, and I always hate my art no matter how "good" I get at it. Even if I become the best artist known to humanity I know in reality I won't feel happier and I won't get the fame and love I desire. Instead I'll still just hate myself, hate my own works, and everyone will think I'm cringy anyways. The quality of the art means nothing, just that I hate the process and will always hate the process.
How do I finally convince my brain to give up on these impossible dreams?
And how can I go back to enjoying art without just feeling bitter jealousy for those who are better than me?
I used to be a musician, a good one. After all these years, I had the chance to meet a lot of great artists, next-leve musicians and I can tell, I don't experience music the same away. Wish I could get back in time and have that dumb knowledge about music again, I certainly would enjoy silly songs a lot more than nowadays I do. Up to this day, when I listen to a new song I will analyse it, the melodies, the backing track, the fucking chords and everything. Always finding flaws and asking myself 'wtf did these guys do?'.
So yes, learning, studying and trying to become the best version of yourself as an artist, generaly speaking, will bring some more burdens to your perspective too.
Anyway, I still I like to rig my equipment and play something cool because I have learned how to extract nice sounds from the instrument and that makes me feel good, even if I am suicidal.
You should consider seeing a therapist, my gf has ocd and struggles with these exact same things and that along with medication helped her to be more calm.
I used to be a musician, a good one. After all these years, I had the chance to meet a lot of great artists, next-leve musicians and I can tell, I don't experience music the same away. Wish I could get back in time and have that dumb knowledge about music again, I certainly would enjoy silly songs a lot more than nowadays I do. Up to this day, when I listen to a new song I will analyse it, the melodies, the backing track, the fucking chords and everything. Always finding flaws and asking myself 'wtf did these guys do?'.
So yes, learning, studying and trying to become the best version of yourself as an artist, generaly speaking, will bring some more burdens to your perspective too.
Anyway, I still I like to rig my equipment and play something cool because I have learned how to extract nice sounds from the instrument and that makes me feel good, even if I am suicidal.
I relate to this, especially how learning music theory makes you find flaws in other people's music and asking "how did these people get so successful?"
But the worst is when I really like someone's music, can't find any flaws, and then I can only ask myself "why can't I be like that?"
I just wish I had some way to always know if I'm doing something wrong with my music without having to go through the humiliating process of sharing it and being laughed at. I hate being given advice that so clearly follows the "one compliment, then one thing to improve on, then another compliment" method because then I know people are only responding out of pity and I don't have any actual talent.
I want to make music for my own enjoyment, but then I fear listening to my own music because I don't want to become "blind" to its flaws, only to share it and be told that the piece I composed and enjoyed actually sucks. I wish I could make the music I want to hear, but it's impossible because of this.
Reactions:
anopenwound, Kassender, GlassMoon and 1 other person
I have certain interest, mostly creative ones like art and music, that just make me miserable. If I wasn't interested in these topics at all, I wouldn't be as self-hating as I am now. I wish I never liked them in the first place, but I like looking at art and listening to music, and I think to myself "I want to try that." Then I realize I suck, I will always suck, and others will always be so astronomically better than me while being half my age because I will never enjoy it enough to work on it.
And before anyone tells me "just practice / practice makes perfect" YES I KNOW. The problem is that art is a waste of time. Developing my skill and getting good at art is still, ultimately, a waste of time. I know the grass is always greener and that I would hate being an artist in practice, my brain just won't let go of this impossible fantasy where "being an artist" will somehow fix all my problems. I know the fantasy of being loved by others because of my art is a lie. I know becoming fully satisfied with my proficiency will never happen because I actually hate practicing anything, and I always hate my art no matter how "good" I get at it. Even if I become the best artist known to humanity I know in reality I won't feel happier and I won't get the fame and love I desire. Instead I'll still just hate myself, hate my own works, and everyone will think I'm cringy anyways. The quality of the art means nothing, just that I hate the process and will always hate the process.
How do I finally convince my brain to give up on these impossible dreams?
And how can I go back to enjoying art without just feeling bitter jealousy for those who are better than me?
I also have jealousy like this at times that ruins my hobbies for me as well, I still haven't find a good way to cope with it other than trying to not think about it much, and that in (most) cases those people just practiced alot or grinded to get where they are
It is better to refrain from looking at other people's work, then you have more time to practice your own work without constantly comparing it to others.
Don't desire to improve. What I mean is, don't intend to improve to begin with. You're emotionally invested if you begin the process fantasizing abt how great it could be. Do it with the intention of failing or expect nothing to come of it. Don't let your hopes up, the expectation makes ppl discontent with reality.
I relate to this, especially how learning music theory makes you find flaws in other people's music and asking "how did these people get so successful?"
But the worst is when I really like someone's music, can't find any flaws, and then I can only ask myself "why can't I be like that?"
I just wish I had some way to always know if I'm doing something wrong with my music without having to go through the humiliating process of sharing it and being laughed at. I hate being given advice that so clearly follows the "one compliment, then one thing to improve on, then another compliment" method because then I know people are only responding out of pity and I don't have any actual talent.
I want to make music for my own enjoyment, but then I fear listening to my own music because I don't want to become "blind" to its flaws, only to share it and be told that the piece I composed and enjoyed actually sucks. I wish I could make the music I want to hear, but it's impossible because of this.
would it help if I say you are on the right track?
-fyi all great artists thinks and act like that, its the high standards mindset. Just don't let it get in your way to produce your own art with passion
Don't desire to improve. What I mean is, don't intend to improve to begin with. You're emotionally invested if you begin the process fantasizing abt how great it could be. Do it with the intention of failing or expect nothing to come of it. Don't let your hopes up, the expectation makes ppl discontent with reality.
Problem is its impossible not to. Perfectionism and all that. If I'm not the best, then its not worth doing. It's an automatic emotional response that doesn't go away even if I'm logically aware of it.
Therefore, art feels like it's not worth it at all, and I wish my brain would stop being stupid and just give it up instead of putting so much of my self-worth into it.
would it help if I say you are on the right track?
-fyi all great artists thinks and act like that, its the high standards mindset. Just don't let it get in your way to produce your own art with passion
I only have one question that might help me get back into art, is it good for a musician to listen to their own music (for enjoyment)? I mentioned being afraid of "becoming blind to flaws" but one of my biggest motivations for music is to be able to create and then enjoy something that doesn't exist in the pool of publicly available music. If I prevent myself from listening to my own music (for enjoyment), then is that actually bad for developing skill and maintaining motivation?
I have certain interest, mostly creative ones like art and music, that just make me miserable. If I wasn't interested in these topics at all, I wouldn't be as self-hating as I am now. I wish I never liked them in the first place, but I like looking at art and listening to music, and I think to myself "I want to try that." Then I realize I suck, I will always suck, and others will always be so astronomically better than me while being half my age because I will never enjoy it enough to work on it.
And before anyone tells me "just practice / practice makes perfect" YES I KNOW. The problem is that art is a waste of time. Developing my skill and getting good at art is still, ultimately, a waste of time. I know the grass is always greener and that I would hate being an artist in practice, my brain just won't let go of this impossible fantasy where "being an artist" will somehow fix all my problems. I know the fantasy of being loved by others because of my art is a lie. I know becoming fully satisfied with my proficiency will never happen because I actually hate practicing anything, and I always hate my art no matter how "good" I get at it. Even if I become the best artist known to humanity I know in reality I won't feel happier and I won't get the fame and love I desire. Instead I'll still just hate myself, hate my own works, and everyone will think I'm cringy anyways. The quality of the art means nothing, just that I hate the process and will always hate the process.
How do I finally convince my brain to give up on these impossible dreams?
And how can I go back to enjoying art without just feeling bitter jealousy for those who are better than me?
I deal with this problem, now on a much lower level than you. In the past, I felt has intensely as you described here. This post has so much to unpack, I'm emotionally invested in it to be honest. This problem is very difficult to resolve and, as years have gone by, I've come to the conclusion that this problem is multi dimensional. You don't have a problem with art or hobbies, it spans bigger and deeper than that.
I'm going to go all out and this is going to be a very long answer. I'll divide my thoughts into parts and put them in a spoiler section so people don't have to scroll down so much if they don't want to read this gigantic response.
I hope it's not too overwhelming, although I think it will be. I'm the type of person that always prefers more information and I can't really help myself. So if you feel like you can't read this all in one go, please don't feel like you have to. You don't even need to read it all! Go at your own pace.
Disclaimer:
I'm not a mental health professional and I may very well be wrong in my assessment of your problems, you will know yourself best. Use this post as a potential starting point for your own introspective journey.
Analysing your words
I hope you don't mind, but I feel like analysing your words may be the first step into delving into this problem, especially because there's a very clear dichotomy inside you in regards to art hobbies. So, I picked up some of your words, divided them into sections and put them in the table below.
Do I like my hobby?
Do I enjoy the process?
What do I think of what I produce?
What do I want to get out of this hobby?
What are my future aspirations?
I have certain interest, mostly creative ones like art and music
art is a waste of time
I always hate my art no matter how "good" I get at it
being loved by others
"being an artist" will somehow fix all my problems
I think to myself "I want to try that."
I actually hate practicing anything
becoming fully satisfied with my proficiency will never happen
fame and love
I would hate being an artist
I wish I never liked them
I hate the process and will always hate the process
hate myself (...) hate my own works
if I become the best artist (...) I won't feel happier
"(...) practice makes perfect" YES I KNOW
everyone will think I'm cringy
how can I go back to enjoying art
I suck, I will always suck
How do I (...) give up on these impossible dreams?
The quality of the art means nothing
others will always be (...) better than me
The first thing that jumped at me was how all you want to get out of this hobby is appreciation from others, not fulfilment from the hobby itself. Of course, I realise that you're more than just this one post you wrote but, for the sake of simplicity and also as an exercise, I'll go off solely from the information provided here.
That's just the first thing that jumped out, I want to dig a bit more, so I picked up some of your words again and put them against my perception of what a healthy relationship with a hobby is in another table (can you tell I love tables?).
What should happen
What actually happens
Do I like my hobby?
Yes
I wish I never liked them
Do I enjoy the process?
For the most part, yes.
I like practicing because I enjoy the feeling of doing my hobby
Doing my hobby feels like a good use of my time
I hate the process and will always hate the process
I actually hate practicing anything
art is a waste of time
What do I think of what I produce?
Some pieces I love, others I like, others I dislike
Some pieces I made are much better than my previous works
I think I'll always want to be better
hate my own works
The quality of the art means nothing
becoming fully satisfied with my proficiency will never happen
What do I think of myself and others?
I'm content with myself
I think I'm good at what I do or if I'm not as good as I want to, it doesn't bother me as I just want to create and I believe I'll improve with time
There will always be people that are better than me and I'm okay with it
hate myself
I suck, I will always suck
others will always be (...) better than me
What do I want to get out of this hobby?
I want to continue enjoying practicing my hobby
I want to get better at it so I can more accurately create what I imagine in my mind
being loved by others
fame and love
What are my future aspirations?
To be an artist, professionally or not
To keep enjoying art
"being an artist" will somehow fix all my problems and I would hate being an artist
(...) enjoying art
(...) give up on these impossible dreams
This imaginary person on the column "what should happen" is acting as a control group, so we don't lose track of what a hobby should be like. Of course, this is my personal perception of what is healthy, it's not a universal truth, but it's a start so we don't lose track of how things should, roughly, be like. Otherwise it's easy to get lost.
Analysing each section
Now, let's analyse each row one by one and try to figure out where this problem with the art hobbies may lie. Like I hinted at previously, I think it is multi dimensional. So let's start with the following column:
What do I think of myself and others?
I'm starting with this column because I think it's one of the roots of the problem. You hate yourself, you believe that, no matter what, you will always be insufficient and others will always surpass you. Others are always better and you are always worse.
I'm sure I'm not going to blow your mind when I say that this shows a big issue with low self esteem. I'm sure you're already aware of this. However, I think this issue is not related to your art hobby problems, I believe this issue comes from elsewhere. Because of that, let's visually pick up this problem and move it out of the art hobbies bubble, like so:
What do I think of what I produce?
You hate the things you produce and you believe becoming better at your craft won't change this. You also think you'll never be satisfied with your skill level, you will always think it's not good enough.
Well, with the knowledge from the previous column, it's not surprising that you think this way. You hate yourself so, how you can like the things you produce when they're an extension of yourself, a person you dislike? This alone tells us that it's very hard for you to like what you do because your judgment is tainted by the fact that you don't like yourself to begin with.
So, I don't think you hating your works is related to art, I think this issue is a symptom of your low self-esteem which I think comes from elsewhere. So let's visually pair this issue with the low self esteem, like so:
Do I enjoy the process?
You said more than once that you hate the process and will always hate it. You think it is a waste of time to do your hobby and you go so far as to say you hate practicing anything.
Making art is a long process and, during it, there are phases when things look ugly/messy and we don't know where we're going sometimes.
Using the knowledge we gathered from the previous columns, we know you hate yourself and therefore you hate what you make and you don't believe you'll ever be satisfied. Now pairing all this together, how could you possibly enjoy the process? It's a time when you need to spend minutes or hours facing things you hate (yourself and what you make) when you know it won't be worth it.
It's quite easy to tie this to low self esteem, however, I also see some unhealthy perfectionist mentally walking hand in hand with this. I sense that from your frustration regarding practicing, you hate that with a passion, and the words I always hate my art no matter how "good" I get at it. Emphasis on the quotes in "good". You don't even believe you currently are good at it or will ever be.
Low self esteem + perfectionism is a match made in hell, the worst of both worlds.
Now, some people are naturally perfectionist, others get that from external sources. Pressure from parents, teachers, other people. Being a perfectionist is a neutral trait I'd say, other things around it will influence it negatively or positively. Given your low self esteem, I'd say that is influencing that trait negatively. Either way, being a perfectionist is not something related to art hobbies themselves, it's transversal to everything. So let's put this trait elsewhere in our diagram and mark low self esteem as a negative influence on it, like so:
What do I want to get out of this hobby?
You want recognition from others (fame) and to be loved by others. Now, this is very interesting because these things are unrelated to the hobby itself. I'd go so far as to say that they have nothing to do with the hobby.
Let's use the information we gathered so far, knowing that you dislike yourself so much, and therefore you dislike what you do, it's no wonder you feel unloved. Because you don't love yourself but you need that love, and you can't get that from yourself so where do you wish to get that from? From others. And pairing this with the perfectionism: in what circumstances would you be worthy of love from others? If your works are outstanding, the best of the best. Because you believe you're unlovable currently and the only way for you to be worthy of love by others is if you bring something of value to others - incredible art.
This is a wild thing to aspire to, it's a perfect recipe for disaster and heartbreak. Which you realise because you mention: Even if I become the best artist known to humanity I know in reality I won't feel happier and I won't get the fame and love I desire.
Important to note is that you believe you won't be happy even if you were the best artist in the planet. And I think that that is because, deep down, you know that being the best artist in the world, in the minds of everyone else, won't change your own thinking. That recognition from outside won't change the fact that you think you suck, in the end, you'll still be a terrible artist in your own mind.
So now I think we have two new symptoms of the issues we spoke prior: lack of love/recognition and a high bar for being worthy of love/recognition. These issues are unrelated to the hobby, these are internal issues that can showcase symptoms on other areas of your life as well. So let's add them to the diagram like so:
What are my future aspirations?
You both want to be an artist and would hate to be an artist. Besides that, you want to go back to enjoying art, hinting that you used to enjoy it in the past, and would want to be free from these incredibly hard goals of fame, love from others and being outstanding.
I find this part quite endearing, because it shows that you know that the weight you put on yourself is unreasonable and it shows that, actually, your hobby is not a waste of time. You want to go back to enjoying it, you want this hobby. What you don't want is the amount of emotional baggage that appears when you start doing your hobby. All this crap that gets in the way and makes you feel miserable like the bitter jealously of others that you mention.
This jealously, looks to me like another symptom of low self esteem + perfectionism. In your mind you're worthless and you'll never be good enough, but you still need love and recognition like any human, so how is that fair that others get it or are content with themselves? Why can't you be like them and just do your hobby? So you beat yourself up and the cycle continues.
Let's add this symptom to the diagram like so:
Do I like my hobby?
And now we reach the grand finale where you say you wish you didn't have your hobby. Well, no wonder! Just look at all the parasites tainting your hobby. There's self hate, hate towards your works, hate towards the process, frustration, sky high expectations that will never be met, a need to feel loved and recognised from the wrong sources, jealously of others for seemingly not having these issues and always succeeding more than you. This hobby feels highly unfair and just like a self imposed torture.
Your feelings make total sense, it's hard to like this hobby when there's so much crap attached to it.
As you may have noticed by now, nothing in the diagram is tied to the art hobbies themselves. They're just a bubble floating next to all the other things. This is why I said I think the problem is multi dimensional. There are several issues coming from elsewhere that show themselves when you do your art hobby. I don't think there is anything to fix regarding your art hobby itself - there is a lot to fix outside of the hobby. These two main issues: low self esteem and perfectionism which only you will know where they come from.
Steps to fix your problems
Now that we have some understanding of what your problems may be and how related they are to your hobby, then we can attempt to solve them.
As you saw, it is the opinion of this total stranger that your problems may not be related to art at all and instead just be a consequence of other issues. Having this in mind, the next step would be to fix the core problems: low self esteem and too much perfectionism.
Obviously, this is very easy to say and very hard to execute. Just saying "don't be so hard on yourself" or "practice self love" may very well fall on deaf ears because those ideas are vague and "cringy" and one doesn't know precisely what steps to take to achieve those outcomes. It feels like empty platitudes almost.
I prefer to take a more practical approach, which may work better for you or not, it depends on what clicks with your brain I'd say. Either way, I'll showcase my thought process below.
The source of the problems: internal or external?
The first line we should draw is whether these problems are being fed from outside sources (your parents, school, work, other influences) or from inside sources (your inner dialogue, your own thoughts and habits). Who is the enemy, others or yourself?
Here are some options to think about, here comes another table:
If it's caused by external sources
If it's caused by internal sources
Low self esteem
Cut ties with those external sources that harm you
If it's people, cut ties with them if you can
If it's social media, places, or objects, stop using them or seeing them
If you can't or don't want to cut ties with these external sources, attempt to change them
If it's people that are hurting you, inform them that they're hurting you and how and ask them to stop
As a bonus, you can delve deeper into why they treat you that way and that can help make sense of what is happening
If they're not receptive and you can't avoid them, you'll need to deal with this problem from an internal perspective*
If it's social media that you can't stop using
Change your settings and strive for an empty feed
This is possible depending on the platform (e.g. possible on Youtube, Facebook). You may need to spend quite some time deep in the settings
Unfollow people who's content hurts you
Consider using the internet differently
Proactively search for more niche sites using a better search engine (DuckDuckGo for instance)
Consume content that you chose to consume instead of having it being fed to you
Change your life's circumstances where you can
Ask yourself why you dislike yourself so much
Write down a list of your reasons. This activity helps to remove ruminating thoughts from your mind and put them on the paper
Try to get to the core problem, maybe an activity similar to what I did prior. Go deep, like an investigator solving a crime.
Look at yourself objectively and analyse your qualities
"I suck" is not valid here. Imagine you are a different person and analyse the qualities of that person. Write them down.
Ask yourself what is the purpose of hating yourself
What is the function of this coping mechanism? Just write down what comes to mind and keep going.
You are like this for a reason, usually for self preservation of some kind (e.g. if I hate myself and I'm horrible to myself, it won't hurt as much when others are that way to me). Find out what your specific purpose for being this way is.
Once you have these answers, try to change your thought process
This is hard and advice for how to do it will depend heavily on the answers to the previous questions
As a general guide:
Look at yourself as if you were looking at a dear friend, what would you say to that friend? How would you help them?
Consider checking out philosophy resources (e.g. Taoism, stoicism), challenge the way you think to allow for a change in thought process
*For outside sources you can't change or avoid, especially people, dealing with this will be harder
You will need to put on some emotional armour and don't let those things penetrate it, aka effect you. As corny as this sounds, this is a change in thought patterns, it involves removing a mental barrier.
Perfectionism
Similarly to above, cut ties with the things that trigger this
If it's the artworks of others or their progress, stop seeing them.
If it's other people pushing you to perfectionism, cut ties with them or ask them to stop, explaining why if you want to
Stop showcasing your work online or to others or seeking criticism
This can be hard because of the need of love and validation, but it is an important step to take
Fire your inner critic
You have an internal critic that is unfair and unrealistic. They're unfit for the job. Whenever you hear their voice, shut them up and think about something else.
Don't look at other people's work for quite some time
See this as compensation: you have been looking outside too much, you now need a holiday of looking inward. No, you won't be missing out.
Practice your hobby just for the sake of it, the feeling of pencil on paper or the feeling of putting musical notes together
Abandon your expectations for the task at hand. Purposely intent to make something unfinished, rough, messy.
Don't plan this, when you're bored and don't know what to do, don't think a lot and just start doing it
This will help you bypass the pesky doubts and inner critic
I hope this helps and I'm sorry for the humongous reply. I hope going so deep was helpful. If this reply makes you uncomfortable in any way, please let me know and I can remove this post, or report it yourself if you wish! The intent is to help but I can also understand something like this being weird and potentially picking too much on your words so please do whatever feels more comfortable to you.
Problem is its impossible not to. Perfectionism and all that. If I'm not the best, then its not worth doing. It's an automatic emotional response that doesn't go away even if I'm logically aware of it.
Therefore, art feels like it's not worth it at all, and I wish my brain would stop being stupid and just give it up instead of putting so much of my self-worth into it.
Thanks for the responses, they've been helpful.
I only have one question that might help me get back into art, is it good for a musician to listen to their own music (for enjoyment)? I mentioned being afraid of "becoming blind to flaws" but one of my biggest motivations for music is to be able to create and then enjoy something that doesn't exist in the pool of publicly available music. If I prevent myself from listening to my own music (for enjoyment), then is that actually bad for developing skill and maintaining motivation?
In my opinion, yes, you totally should listen to your own songs. I do that and I enjoy it.
The thing I told you about analysing songs and chords and shit, came after I was member of this band that happened to be composed by high skilled musicians. By then I've learned a new way to look at music. At the end of the day, just go with your own shit, enjoy it, play it. The more you learn, more tools available you have at hand to compose new shit.
I deal with this problem, now on a much lower level than you. In the past, I felt has intensely as you described here. This post has so much to unpack, I'm emotionally invested in it to be honest. This problem is very difficult to resolve and, as years have gone by, I've come to the conclusion that this problem is multi dimensional. You don't have a problem with art or hobbies, it spans bigger and deeper than that.
I'm going to go all out and this is going to be a very long answer. I'll divide my thoughts into parts and put them in a spoiler section so people don't have to scroll down so much if they don't want to read this gigantic response.
I hope it's not too overwhelming, although I think it will be. I'm the type of person that always prefers more information and I can't really help myself. So if you feel like you can't read this all in one go, please don't feel like you have to. You don't even need to read it all! Go at your own pace.
Disclaimer:
I'm not a mental health professional and I may very well be wrong in my assessment of your problems, you will know yourself best. Use this post as a potential starting point for your own introspective journey.
(Your excellent analysis)
I'm a very analytic person so honestly this type of response is very helpful, thanks for taking the time to write it out.
Emotional matters have always felt foreign to me, and my coping method of choice has been to just push them away (and these two things perpetuate eachother). I compartmentalize a lot for better or for worse.
Your post made me remember that I did used to enjoy drawing and composing when I was younger. It was objectively low quality but I loved the process so much that I sincerely didn't care. I found some old sketches of mine a while back, and all I could think of was the positive memories I made from those sketches, not the level of technical skill. I think I yearn back for those times where I really could just enjoy the process instead of "being tainted" by all my other struggles (with perfectionism, desire to be loved, low self-esteem, etc.) The way I see it is people can only get better at something if they at least enjoy it enough to do it repeatedly. The frustrating part is that I can't seem to enjoy art the way I used to for one reason or another. I expect the positive emotions I used to feel, but end up with a negative emotion I didn't expect or prepare for. It's hard to accept when you "ruin" something for yourself, it just makes you feel like you're further behind compared to if you didn't try in the first place because at least then you'd have a fresh start.
It's funny. One hobby I don't struggle with is playing other people's music on the piano, yet playing piano is typically something a lot of people have baggage with. It's common for people's parents to put them in piano lessons, but when a kid at that age is swamped with schoolwork, bullying, distant parents, or other childhood issues, they find the obligation of playing piano too overwhelming or pointless on top of everything else on their mind. Then, those people as adults will say they regret giving up on piano, yet also hate practicing / working on it because of how practicing makes them feel.
I suspect the reason I don't feel this way about playing piano is because I started playing piano as an adult, as opposed to as a child. The difference in my approach is very noticeable. It's frustrating sometimes, but I never want to outright give up like I do with composing. My parents recently told me that, now that I started playing piano (as an adult) they somewhat regret not putting me into it sooner, but upon reflection I think I would have just learned to hate it like every other artform I started as a child, so I'm glad I started as an adult.
My experience is that your struggles from childhood became enmeshed with all of your childhood memories, regardless of if they were positive or not. People can remember emotional memories from things as seemingly random as certain smells or sounds, my conclusion from your post is that certain activities can also bring up emotional memories. I never really thought about it like that but now it feels so obvious: art is something I ultimately enjoy in its pure form, but it's also a trigger for me because it reminds me of childhood. I'm the kind of person that sold (almost) all their childhood toys and tried to forget every memory I had before the age of 18, and practicing art just feels like I'm triggering myself over and over.
As for perfectionism;
A hobby I didn't mention is baking. This is another hobby I didn't really start until I was older, and I also have no baggage attached to it. With hobbies like baking or playing other people's music on the piano, there's an indisputably clear objective for technical skill: if your baking tastes good, then it's good. If you're playing sounds good / is close to what the sheet music tells you to do, then it's good. There's a clear "correct" and "incorrect" way of doing it, and that lack of ambiguity is appealing to someone like me.
I've always struggled without clear, externally-imposed objectives. With more "loose" creative endeavors such as composing or drawing, there is more ambiguity for what is considered "good" art in those fields. Therefore, it becomes necessary to define their own objectives. For someone who struggles to trust their own judgement, it becomes difficult to define what is "good" and "bad", and for someone who's obsessed with perfectionism and who gets anxious when things aren't "good", I get stuck at an impasse and progress becomes impossible.
Being "good" is so important to me because being socially accepted is always lingering in the back of my mind, and only "good" artists are socially acceptable (well... in theory, at least). The anxiety of needing to be accepted by others on a general level overrides the more pure desire to just make art for enjoyment's sake. I think it's because of a deep-rooted belief that being accepted is more important and valuable than being authentic. I remember in childhood learning to avoid being authentic because it made me feel unsafe (I struggled a lot socially). Now, doing anything authentic activates the alarm bells that tell me I'm putting myself in danger.
Now whenever I make anything, there is a compulsion to ask myself "is this socially acceptable or not / are you putting yourself in danger or not?" followed by the urge to answer myself instead of sitting with the anxiety of ignoring this inherently toxic question altogether. I want art to be a safe way to authentically express myself, but my emotions insist that "bad" art is "not safe." So now, art is a gamble that could reduce my social acceptance if it's "bad", and now making art altogether is a risk that's not worth taking. So, is art safe or not? Logically, of course it is, but emotionally... no, it's not.
This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
