Venting i wish i could get better. but i dont think itll happen

[scentoflavender]

i had to reset my clean streak from cutting for the 4th time in 2 weeks. it just made me feel like nothing will ever get better. every time i feel like things are finally getting better and being good again it all goes back to misery shortly after... ive been dealing with this for so long now. i dont think itll ever truly get better. i miss those times where it was good, where i was happy... all for it to come crashing down again. i cried reading old messages between me and friends, when i thought things would finally be better. i just need to accept that itll never truly be good again... i need to accept that this is just how my life is. depression and misery and self hatred no matter what happens or what i do

 

[Untimely]

im sorry, ive been there too. Happy to talk more if you want

 

[SASU-KE]

depression and misery and self hatred

Why do you hate yourself? I understand depression and misery. But I can't understand self hatred. I used to hate myself too, but I stopped doing the things that made me hate myself.For example, I hated how I would behave when I drank too much, so I stopped drinking.Things like that.


So I don't really have any reason to hate myself.I'm still depressed and miserable, but I can't do anything about that. That will only stop once I die.

 

[scentoflavender]

Why do you hate yourself?

because i am disgusting, ugly, i hate my body... i hate how upset i get and how mentally ill i am, it just makes me hurt everyone around me and i hate myself for it

 

[SASU-KE]

because i am disgusting, ugly, i hate my body... i hate how upset i get and how mentally ill i am, it just makes me hurt everyone around me and i hate myself for it

I understand the feeling But don't hate yourself . Because even if you don't like how you look, you didn't 'cause it. Yes, hate the circumstances,genetics and luck, but not yourself.

Even your mental illness is not something you caused or are doing on purpose. It is a bad situation that you're placed in.But unfortunately, you shouldn't hurt other people as a result. That's the one thing you must change and curtail . Try to be kind.

Now I understand this is Very difficult advice to follow. But I have done it myself. My body and mind are reactionary, I get irritated sometimes at small things and I'm quick to lose my patience, and sometimes I'm just volatile in general. But I overcome that initial reaction and calm myself down. Before, I used to say things and do things that I would regret. I can promise that if you do these things, at least you won't hate yourself.

Eventually people will recognize this and they will see that you are trying hard to be kind, even if you are not kind all the time, and they will like you for who you are, and they will appreciate and respect you and become true friends.

 

[vivia]

deadass relate to this, fr. feels like life is just one giant timeloop now, yeah? the routine is mad monotone and not even half as fun as before. some ppl might hit you with the whole "don't think about the process, think about the result" crap, but like, y'all would be crying too if you had to grind 24/7 nonstop, let's not kid ourselves

and yeah, this whole feeling of failing and falling behind is frying my brain more and more each day. it is not even envy over money or wins, it is more like... losing stuff. losing everything we used to have, while other people still keep theirs. one of them being friendship. i am stupidly needy, i cannot even go anywhere alone without someone with me. i keep trying to reach my old friends, but it is pointless. they are ice cold. they forgot everything i went through with them. they can move on, i cannot. people can do this and that, but i cannot, we cannot. how do i put it... if life were a game, our level would be our age, then at the same level our rank or achievements are nowhere near other people's. maybe someone will say again, "don't stress over stuff you cannot control," but hold up, i cannot even control my own thoughts, so what am i supposed to do?

i knew from the start i was already cooked. but i am still confused, why am i still trying? that is kind of dumb for someone this dumb, no? but yeah, i hope everything turns out okay. i keep gaslighting myself with those words, no idea if it works, but i hope it works for you too. hope everything is okay. tomorrow has to be better, even if we are still stuck in the same timeloop​

 

[nummie]

because i am disgusting, ugly, i hate my body... i hate how upset i get and how mentally ill i am, it just makes me hurt everyone around me and i hate myself for it

Relatable but i always tell myself that theres a fix or that things do get better. Whenever i struggle with something or i feel like thats the end of it, somehow i always manage to survive it. I cant lie and say that im happy but there are moments where i think to myself "its nice that i stuck around".

There is definitely help out there for mental
illness and learning how to control your emotions in a healthy way. Im unsure if you are already getting help but trust me it gets easier if you have a support system.
There are people on this forum, including myself, who are willing to give you advice or support you. Youre not alone.

 

[spiders.in.my.head]

I'm in the same situation. Currently in a spiral, after being decently fine for a little while. While I would like to get better and recover, I'm kinda finding myself at the point where I don't have the energy to commit to getting better when I know it will eventually end with me in another depressive episode. Like, if I could be relatively sure that I won't return to my current state, maybe I would find it in me to make an effort to get better, but that motivation is pretty much impossible to find when I know the fruits of my labor will be temporary, no matter how hard i try.